Modesty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/241126551.html

The author of this ad boasts a list of ten great things about himself. The last one is the fact that he is "NOT FULL OF [HIMSELF]." Not bad for a man who claims that he's 165 pounds of sexy.

He's also intelligent. Albert Einstein once posted on CL, and his ad was also entirely in caps with spelling errors, and mentioned that he wanted a relationship based entirely on sex outside of his actual relationship with a women of any age that he meets off the internet. However, like Einstein, the author was not intelligent enough to acquire a digital picture of himself. He's not George Eastman or something.

It's that humility that makes him offer himself for free. Men this sexy and well-dressed are usually on the market for thousands of dollars. Not the author. He's so humble, he begs you not to miss your chanse. He knows he'll get snapped up quickly. Especially since he's opened himself to all women, like Jesus who died for all men.

He doesn't have pics, but this bashful soul who has earned our trust confirms that you won't regret your decision to sleep with him.

He even called you sweetheart.

FREE FOR ALL WOMEN DON'T MISS YOUR CHANSE - m4w - 23

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Reply to: pers-241126551@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-28, 1:24PM EST


5'9,165 PDS OF SEXY,HANDSOME,CUTE,CHARMING,INTELLIGENT,DOMINANT,ATHLETIC,CLEAN,GOOD DRESSER,NOT FULL OF MYSELF.I'M HISPANIC(PUERTO RICAN),LIGHT SKIN,TATOO RIGHT ARM,LONG BRWN HAIR,BRWN EYES.LOOKING FOR A WOMEN DOESN'T MATTER THE AGE OR ETHNICITY. JUST LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON SEX,I ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. IF YOUR COOL WITH THAT THEN DROP AN EMAIL AND WE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE.

P.S. DON'T HAVE PICS BUT TRUST ME SWEETHEART YOU WONT REGRET IT.

Can you read the title of the post out loud, please?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/240897538.html

I'd imagine one of the hardest parts about posting on CL is trying to find an appropriate title for your ad. "Bored" is a popular and descriptive one. "Horny" or "SWM for BBW" all tell us something about the author and his/her/their preferences.

What makes someone sit at their desk, shortly before Leno, and say, "I know!" What makes them hit the caps lock and write, "HOT COCK." What makes them pause, and then continue, "HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK." What makes them write it just one more time?

"That's what you want, right?" Asks the author. If there was a chance that you didn't know what "it" referred to, he clarifies the ambiguity: "to have... sex with a stud who has a big cock."

He can make you orgasm without taking your pants off. If this is true, it assumes either:

a) The very HOT COCK that was the very centerpiece of his campaign is entirely irrelevant
b) He will cut a hole in your pants with scissors

He puts NO DISEASES in caps. Unlike "no bi-men," he's serious about that one. Just as serious as he was about his HOT COCK. And, by the way, if he feels like his cock is really hot and burning, maybe it's a little too late to worry about not making a trip to a clinic.

HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK - m4w - 29 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-240897538@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-27, 11:27PM EST


That's what you want, right? To have hot NSA sex with a stud who has a big cock.

So here's what else I have to offer - tall, athletic, single, d/d free, degreed, intelligent, funny, hung... oh and I can go all night and can make you cum without even taking your pants off.

You -- female. couples ok, no bi-men. Fun in bed. I'm in shape, expect similar. Curves OK, no BBWs though. DISEASE FREE. That's right, I don't want a trip to the clinic either.

Send your pic and your fantasy/kinks. I have mine, let's make them happen.

Medium Intensity Sex.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/240936774.html

Do you know what imma do? Imma gonna tell you.

Imma break the rubber. And you are gonna love it, baby.

This dude actually talks like that.

Are you the kind of girl who knows that, if you have sex with strangers from the internet, that maybe a condom is a good idea, and yet lets Imma McGrammar break it anyway because you "are secretly in love with the idea of feeling the warm rush of sperm filling you," then you are this dude's kind of girl.

That's a very specific kind. I don't know if you want to be that kind. I think the STD, pregnancy, and mental retardation rates among that kind of girl is somewhere around 80%.

In other news, no holding back and no pulling out = maximum intensity sex! Can you handle it?

I haven't held back or pulled out in most of the sex I've had, and to be honest, there must be more intensity possible in sex. I think, at best, he's describing medium intensity sex. Maybe if...

1) He were some sort of nano-technology-enhanced superman, like I saw having sex once in an episode of The Outer Limits
2) His sperm travelled at such incredible speed that they became either pure light or pure energy (I'm unsure how relativity works, so I'll give you credit for either).
3) The chick exploded

Imma break the rubber - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-240936774@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-28, 1:26AM EST


...and you are gonna love it, baby.

You are secretly in love with the idea of feeling the warm rush of sperm filling you, even though your rational side makes you tell your lovers to put on a condom.

Is this you? Then you are my kind of girl.

What do I have to offer? A thick 8 to put somewhere oh-so-tight, a promise to lick before I stick, the stamina to ride long and hard.

No holding back, no pulling out - maximum intensity sex! Can you handle it? One night only, as many rounds shot in you as you want. Pic for pic.

The new Tintern Abbey

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/240259687.html

Hi there, greets the author. But he is not just welcoming us into the ad. Nor is he bringing us into his world, 21st century Astoria. The author is taking us into a metaphysical and spiritual journey inspired by life in a monument to life and the hereafter. What Tintern Abbey was to Wordsworth, the Shore Towers are to this great poet.

His epic begins with the classic line, "I heard that theres alot of whores in this building..."

First, notice his use of multiple elipses. It's as if the entire poem and even its title are being mumbled incoherently to us. It captures the feel of desperation and insanity that permeates the air in Queens.

The author muses on buying an apartment in the Shore Towers. Why? "...so i can hook up with [the whores]"

However it's here that the author has a change of heart. He rebels against the traditional line of thinking, the conservative pro-Bush pro-Iraq War pro-fear agenda that says "move to where the whores are." It's here that he breaks with his entire culture and begins what I think is a societal revolution.

He writes, "i would rather.....stay where i am......and bang them all anyway"

Genius! The use of pause, the unexpected twist, the notion that there is a false dichotomy between moving and not banging whores. It breaks down the very structure of what constitutes an ad. After all, he doesn't even say he wants women to reply and have sex with him. He describes neither the type of woman he wants nor himself. No one would possibly respond to this ad...and yet...i believe... by reading the ad....we have already responded to it! This may be the very work that brings the change needed in our society to bring down all inequality and turn us into a community of pure radiant love.

The poem ends in what many would call a question, but what I would describe as "a call." He asks, "whore r u?"

This could be read both as "Where are you?" calling out towards the iconic "whore who lives in this apartment building" and asking her to identify where she is so the author can bang her and as "whore are you?" asking the reader if she herself may also be a whore, like the ladies of Astoria.

I see the day when tour groups by the hundreds descend upon the ruins of the Shore Towers to search for the same inspiration that guided this genius to produce such a work of art.

Hi there........Shore Towers ....Astoria - m4w - 35

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Reply to: pers-240259687@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-26, 8:00PM EST


I heard that theres alot of whores in this building.......
and that i should buy an apt. there......so i can hook up with them
i would rather......stay where i am......and bang them all anyway
whore r u?

Red Haeds are Sexy!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/240402922.html

I like red head. Sorry.

The author if this ad, in his forty years of life, love, and no spelling lessons, has had all of the other colors in the Crayola box. He's slept with Magenta heads, with blondes, with Turqouisettes, and determined that red is the best. His apologies to those women whose hair colors deny them the opportunity to mate with this rare specimen of a man: well aged, single, educated, and in Queens.

Believe it or not, the author is not looking for a girl friend. He is just looking for a woman who has the same needs that he has. They are (based on his punctuation):

1. horny sexy love sex and maybe not getting enough (i feel that this one is a little ambiguous and/or is actually four requirements)
   
2. not looking to be tied down (ambiguous: a restatement of his desire for a no-strings situation or a preference for women who aren't into bondage?)
   
3. looking to have fun in bed (who's looking for ennui?)

The author is open/mined, which means that he is exposed and barren after men with pick-axes ripped out all of the natural resources buried beneath the soil of his skin. Some women are into that.

Ladies, please stop bye and say Hello' to this man. THINK YOU! (What I love about the ad is that he implores you to stop and think, quite the welcome dose of intellectualism in an otherwise crass website).

NATURAL RED HAED ONLY - m4w - 40

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Reply to: pers-240402922@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-27, 3:04AM EST


I like red head,Sorry I've had all the other colors and red is the best.Not looking for a girl friend just a woman who may have the same needs i have and that is.you are horny sexy love sex and maybe not getting enough.not looking to be tied down,looking to have fun in bed.im easy going open/mined DD SMOKE FREE 5'11 170 Brown hair & eyes 7inch cock. and very creative in & out of bed.Please no pro's I dont want to sign up at some porn site to see your pic's.If your out there & your intrested stop bye and say Hello' your photo gets mine.... THINK YOU

Lesbian Frank McCourt

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/240024100.html

I don't know if you've ever been to the Bronx, and if you're a Master of the Universe then you probably haven't, you know that folks there speak with Irish slang. This is the environment from which Tis my Tasty was born. Tis means it is and tasty, from the context of the ad, I guess means vagina. Thus, in American English, the title would be "It is my Vagina." The subtitle would be "But I will share it with you."

The ad begins with a commentary on the state of contemporary affairs: It should be much more simple (simpler?) than it has been. True!

After a reasonable request for women to hook up with the author, she clarifies: we simply take care of each other in that way. I don't see what this adds to her previous request, but it makes it sound like finding a chick to make out with on the internet is some sort of community building effort.

The author has no time for men. However, she has time for women. A lot of bi women only date women because men take up too much time in general. It takes forever for men to orgasm, to go to the bathroom, for them to get off of their period, to get dressed and put on makeup. It's an understandable yet unfortunate situation.

Tis my Tasty - w4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-240024100@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-26, 10:26AM EST


It should be much more simple than it has been. Any single women in the area interested in hooking up? We simply take care of each other in that way. I'm attractive, clean and dd free. I am bi but have no time for men. I want to just get together with my homegirls and make mouth happy. So, holla if you hear me. Please reply with pics and I will do the same.

The mentally deranged need love, too

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/238966749.html

This post is a salad of ALL CAPS, numericals, and the equals sign.

The author is look 4 a submissive woman. How old? Well, 18== up. I'm guessing he's a Java or C programmer and is using the == boolean test to establish whether his woman's age is equal to the age of his preference. Either that or he's just weird.

Hello there, he begins, you will see my pix. And sure enough, you see his pix below the post. The prophesy is fulfilled. The pix that he encloses are, from upper left to lower right: a picture of the Pink Panther (with a caucasian human penis grafted on) having sex with Minnie Mouse, a picture of the author passed out on a bed holding his erect self, a picture of the author performing oral sex on a woman who subscribes to a religion that prohibits the use of razors, and the insides of a black woman (if you zoom in, you can actually see her pancreas). Think for a moment: this man purposefully chose these four pictures to advertise himself. He expresses through collage what words can only begin to state: he is some sort of weirdo.

If your look 4 a good man, this is the author. In case you are color blind (and if so, why would you care?), he is a white man. He puts the words ME in all caps when declaring that race is unimportant to him. I think it shows that while he is not a racist, he can still be a bad person by being egocentric.

If your looking to meet up 4 some fun sex? Good. We can meet up.

Lots of women enjoy Receiving Oral Sex (proper noun), Toys, and then being fuck. But the author insists that the woman who he encounters enjoy those things in that order. Come on, ladies, it's just common sense.

When the author began writing his ad, he was in the Bronx (thus the ad being filed in the Bronx section). But now, as of the middle of the ad, he is in westchester. This man is on the move. You better respond quickly before he magically quantum leaps somewhere (somewhen?) else.

If he likes you, you can cum on over. Where and for what, you ask? He recognizes the ambiguity in "you can cum on over," especially given the unclear context of his ad. He clarifies: to his house to get off.

I AM LOOK 4 A SUBMISSIVE WOMAN 18== up - m4w - 48

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Reply to: pers-238966749@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-23, 1:46PM EST


hello there you will see my pix . if your look 4 a good man this is me am a white man, 48 years of of age, drug free, disease free. race and is not important 2 ME . ===I AM LOOKING 4 SUBMISSIVE WOMAN.==== 18 & UP =if your looking to meet up 4 some fun sex ? good we can meet up .no strings .I AM looking 4 a woman that loves Receiving Oral Sex, Toys and THEN being fuck . I AM LOOKING 4 WOMAN THAT LIKE 2 HAVE MY DICK rub all over them . I AM LOOKING 4 THE WOMAN THAT LIKE TO BE FUCK GOOD . I AM THE MAN 4 YOU /// we can have fun. NOW I AM IN westchester . IF YOU LIKE TO MEET UP THEN YOU NEED TO EMAIL ME . AND YOU NEED A PIX OF YOU . TELL WHAT YOU LIKE .WOMEN THAT R 18 & UP THEN YOU CAN CUM ON OVER . TO MY HOME AND GET OFF

This is why I'm not an environmentalist

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/238637635.html

I was intrigued by the title of this ad. What could this gentleman possibly mean?

It seems a lot of women have difficulty recycling their Thanksgiving meal. If only turkey fit into the narrow definitions of "paper" "plastic" or "alumnium." What if your turkey is made of plastic, but stuffed with aluminum? With a glass glaze? How do you recycle it then?

This dude will help. He will eat your meal after you have eaten it. He will eat it, not from the dinner table, but "straight from your ass" (bypassing any tricky middlemen).

My problem is this: "This way I get to enjoy the same feast you did just a day later." Somehow I think it's not exactly the same feast. But I may be just pulling that out of my ass.

Also, that assumes that you don't relieve yourself at all Thurday night. In all likelihood, this dude will be helping you recycle your Friday morning Egg McMuffin. But then again, every little bit of recycling helps Mother Earth.

Recycle your Thanksgiving Meal Ladies - m4w

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Reply to: pers-238637635@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-22, 3:29PM EST


Id love help you recycle your Thursday meal. You spend Thursday feasting on your thanksgiving meal. Then Friday you feed me your recycled meal straight from your ass. This way I get to enjoy the same feast you did just a day later. Any takers ladies.

A very strange meeting

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Do you know what I'm sick of?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/239482248.html

The author of this ad claims to have issues. I have no idea what he means. He starts off in a very caring and gentle manner, as well as being up front about his own personal limitations and insecurities.

My only concern is how he could possibly fist a woman and piss in her mouth simultaneously. Maybe he's some sort of gymnast? Maybe he just has really good aim and a phenomenal sense of concentration. Or maybe he has some sort of heat-seeking urine, engineered by the government to piss off terrorists. Oh man that would be so cool/lukewarm!

Also, he claims not to give a shit. Yet, he is sick of the bullshit. He seems to be conflicted in his attitudes towards shit. The author is quite a deep character, and I think that's an attractive quality.

I think any woman would be lucky to meet up with this 39-year old angry loner from Long Island who has offered no description of himself whatsoever, if only to experience his warmth, his generosity towards women, and the possibility of cumming like a fountain (I had no idea fountains could even orgasm).

SICK OF THE BULLSHIT - m4w - 39

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Reply to: pers-239482248@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 10:06PM EST


YES I HAVE ISSUES. SO WHAT. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. IF YOU WANT IT TOO GREAT IF NOT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. SO IF ANY OF YOU CUNTS WANT ALL THREE HOLES USED THIS WEEKEND CAPPED OFF WITH MY FIST UP YOUR TWAT WHILE I PISS IN YOUR MOUTH THEN SEND YOU HOME LIKE A GOOD WHORE GET BACK TO ME. EVERYONE ELSE FUCK OFF. AND NO MEN!!! LET ME FUCK YOU LIKE I HATE YOU AND SEE IF YOU DON'T CUM LIKE A FOUNTAIN.

MASTERBATION/my spacebar is broken

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/239486332.html

Masterbation. We've all done it, right? Well then my search for a woman to join me isn't that unreasonable. So please read.

The author of this ad took those four sentences above and made them into one very simple sentence, conjoined by the greatest punctuation mark ever: the forward slash.

If you're unfamiliar with masterbation (or its unique spelling in Westchester), you may not know that "it can be very pleasurable." It's weird that the author has to tell us this because, according to his empirical findings, he thinks we have all done it.

He also thinks it may be a taboo subject, but he isn't very sure. He thinks we do it in private and that no one else knows about it (except, I guess, the author). This guy is the next Alfred Kinsey, minus the ability to spell.

When the author described the 69 position, he describes a very lazy sexual act. He'll just watch you pleasure yourself while you just check out his "package." I guess at 47, that may be all that he has the energy to do.

This handsome and friendly chap (maybe he's British?) will lick you to the point of orgam after you've stradled his face. He's also sincere, which is what you're probably looking for in an older gentleman who has taught you so much about masterbation.

MASTERBATION/we've all done it/iso a woman to join in/please read - m4w - 47

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Reply to: pers-239486332@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 10:20PM EST


masterbation can be very pleasurable,I think we have all done it.I think maserbation is a taboo subject,it is something that we do in private,which no one usually knows about.the thought of watching someone else pleasure themselves while I pleasure
myself is quite erotic,perhaps not to the point of orgasm right away,we can switch off
& I can caress other parts of your body,perhaps slip a finger or two in your pussy while your touching yourself,& maybe slip a finger in your asshole or maybe have fingers in both holes at the same time,or I can just kiss you on the lips or lick your nipples,rub my hard cock on your nipples,or I can climb on top in the 69 position & watch you masterbate close up while you check out my package from behind,or any combination of the above,I think you get the picture.I can slowly stroke my cock while you take my balls in your mouth & slowly slip a finger in my asshole,or stradle my face & rub your hot pussy juice on my face.or we can masterbate together,kissing & touching,or I can finish bringing you to orgam with my tongue if that,s what you desire.
Please send some thoughts of what you would like & perhaps a phone # so we can make it happen.I'm a very handsome & friendly chap.D&d free & sexy & sincere.

Penal Roots: The true story of Ass Slavery

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/239273263.html

The author of this ad doesn't waste time with introductions. He goes straight into what he'll do to me first.

I begin lying face dowm on his bed and his tongue slowly entering my "sewwt juicy butthole". I didn't even know I had one of those, but I would imagine the juices he's describing are likely fecal matter. Then, in parenthesis for some reason, my "asswhole" gets licked for so long I am put into a trance.

I kind of wish that in all of the TV shows and movies where a character is put into a hypnotic trance, said trance was induced by anal lickage and not some sort of spun spiral or swinging pocket watch. I wonder if it's even the same kind of trance. "Must kill the Malaysian Prime Minister... anus being licked... Must kill the Malaysian Prime minister..."

Up next my ass gets oiled real good (not like the half assed oil jobs I'm used to) and fingers are inserted into my juicy hot hole (the third name given to my anus thus far). That part of my anatomy, however, is still being prepared for his "hot as stell cock," which will enter down to the "root."

Silly me, I didn't even know that penises had roots. I also didn't know that getting pounded by a madman fit any definition of the word "relaxation." Maybe leaving my anus alone is a more accurate definition of "anal relaxtion." But I'm no anal relaxation expert.

I'm only about 50% sure that the use of the word "shit" at the end of the ad was an intentional pun.

Oddly enough, one of the few words this guy spells correctly is "bowels." But he's only 42, so give this self described ass-pounding madman (but a polite madman who only pounds ass at you command) time to learn spelling.

ANAL RELAXATION - m4w - 42

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Reply to: pers-239273263@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 1:29PM EST


first i would start be having you face dowm on my bed with your butt cheeks spread wide open with my tongue slowly working its way into your sewwt juicy butthole (i woould lick your asswhole for a good long while almost putting you in a trance). hearing you moan and see you clutch the sheets will be music to my ears. when you think you cant take anymore then i will start to oil your ass real good and slowing working my fingers one at time up to three in your juicy hot hole do not want to stretch it too much, id like it a little tight for my hard as stell cock and when your asswhole is totally relaxed and lubed, i will slowly intoduce the tip of my cock to the entrance of your ass, slowly inch by ich i will work my way into yor rectum until you become relaxed enough to take it all down to the root and balls (only at you command) i will pound away on your ass lik a madman until you take my hot load deep into your bowels.

shit that would be great wouldn't it?

first timers are more than welcome.

i can host or travel

I love HJ. I hope that pleases you.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/239165403.html

Do you know what my relationship lacks? The hot sex.

Because of this I am looking for a girl (or a woman, I have no preference) who is looking for the same thing (another girl or woman, I guess) but not someone who is trying to loose the love one at home.

What does "loose the love one at home" mean?

Well Love One is the technical call sign of any aircraft that has your husband on it, like Air Force One is for the president. The author of this ad doesn't want anyone who would sabotage Love One by loosening screws on it, etc. The author finds homicidal/terrorist actions sort of a turnoff and definitely unneccessary to the pursuit of the hot sex.

The author is a man who loves pleasing the women he is with, which is way easier than pleasing women who are somewhere else. And far more considerate considering the fact that the women you are with are right in front of you right now waiting for pleasure, so why please other people?

How does he please women? Besides loveable standards (and roleplaying...) there is also "dressing her up". From my personal experience, I know nothing pleases women more sexually than being dressed up by men. And yet this guy cant find his sexual match/woman who will call him back.

The author has a goat-tee (a tee shirt with a goat on it? a golf tee with a goat on it?). When you're 36 and have the internet, you're old enough to look up the fact that your beard is spelled goatee.

SEX FOR HOURS - m4w - 36 (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-239165403@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 8:27AM EST


I am in a relationship that lacks the hot sex. I love to try new things. I am looking for a girl or woman that is looking for the same thing I am looking for but not trying to loose the love one at home. I am a man that loves pleasing the women I am with whether its hours of forplay, massages, roleplaying, dressing her up, I love HJ oral anal. I just cant seem to find my sexual match. If your looking for a NSA sexual relationship. please respond with a pic. I am 6ft 220lbs I have a goat-tee

Early Bird Special

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/cas/239186804.html

How classy is the author of this ad? Really classy. He's not just a classy gentleman or a classy speciman, he's a classy dude (perhaps the classiest synonym for man).

How do we know he's classy? Well a classy dude would never reveal his age. Instead, a classy dude would just say "I'm really old" and hope you're okay with having sex with someone so old he won't even reveal it on the internet.

Also, nothing is classier than mutual masturbation. It makes sex sound so juvenile by comparison. Lastly, nothing is classier than telling a woman you have a big penis. That's just pure class right there.

How do we know this dude is really old? He posts at 10:07a, which is the beginning of the evening for an old person. You should respond quickly as he's going to be in bed by noon.

Really Old but Really Classy Dude - m4w

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Reply to: pers-239186804@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 10:07AM EST


Seeking woman of any age to enjoy intimate moments including mutual masturbation, body-rub, and anything else which excites you. Smart, funny, fit, attractive, strong hands. Your limits respected, exceedingly discreet, well-endowed if that's important to you

East Europen guys love New York women

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/239143190.html

I remember when I first got to New York from the Old West. I got bored to have relationship with for one night... or something like that. Maybe you don't consider them relationships since they only lasted one night, but they were relationships to me.

Me and that hooker, me and the vomiting girl, me and the dude in the alley. These were special... but I am bored with them now. It is too humdrum.

I am now looking for a woman who will belong to my D.K. (Donkey Kong? Danish Kroner?) I don't even know what it means to find a woman who will belong to anything. Does she like sign herself over to a part of your body?

Well, if she does, she gets to use it and use the author as well. I've never heard of someone using what they belong to. It sounds more like your D.K. belongs to her. But then again, possessor/object noun agreement may be too subtle an art for this Europen traveller.

What are my opinions on safe sex? It's oki! Not oki-doki. But it's oki.

In sex, I can be everything. A man. A woman. A dragon. A paramecium. A number divided by zero. All at once. Just from penetration.

I am so wild, I can have sex at your house or at my house. Or in a puclic place. Or even in an elevator (wow!)

U can take my phone number if U want, also if U think writing U for you is sexy even at the age of 28 and if U think real powerful masculine men only write in all caps.

------SEEKING A GIRL FOR LONG TERM SEX RELATIONSHIP - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-239143190@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 3:21AM EST


I GOT BORED TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP WITH FOR ONE NIGHT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
I AM LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO LL BELONG TO MY D..K.
AND
WHENEVER WHEREVER SHE WANTS SHE CAN USE IT AND USE ME TOO...
SAFE SEX IS OKI
I CAN BE EVERYTHING IN SEX
WILD OR NOT WHATEVER YOU WHAT
INB YOUR HOME IN MY HOME IN CAR IN PUCLIC AREA IN AN ELEVATOR I AM READY FOR EVERY KIND OF CRAZY THING
I AM 28
EAST EUROPEN GUY WHO HAS BEEN IN NY FOR 2 YEARS
TALL 6.3''
SEXY
BROWN EYES
DARK BLACK HAIR
IF U WANT U CAN TAKE MY PHONE NUMBER
SEND A MAIL TO SEE MY PIC...AND I WANT TO SEE YOURS TOO.

I remember you!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238998523.html

The author of this ad has some ex-boyfriends. For some reason (std test results?) has decided that she wants to find them again. What happens when she finds them? Best case scenerio is she sleeps with all of them (weird, no?) Worst case scenerio is she wants to be friends or is angry at them, probably revealing the same incompatibilities that led to her breakups in the first place.

So how is she finding these old beaus? Google? Email addresses? Phone numbers? Mutual friends? Their places of business? Of course not!

She knows that all of her exes are looking for sex on the internet at 3:32p on a weekday (because they either don't have jobs or they spend their workday looking for sex on the internet). Thus, she just posts an ad. After all, just because you two were boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't mean she knows anything about you or has any possible means of contacting you.

How does she identify herself? She gives her initials! Luckily she's the only woman in Manhattan with the initials B J (insert obvious 'those letters are funny' joke here).

Also, if you are familiar with Ridgewood at all, you know her. You have to sleep with a lot of people in one neighborhood to get to the point that anyone who knows that neighborhood will remember you. But I guess when your name is BJ and you find your exes in a CL post, you may have accomplished that feat.

Lastly, she posts in Manhattan but there are two Ridgewoods in New York. One is between Queens and Brooklyn, the other is in Northern NJ. If she wants me to remember her, she's gonna have to be more specific than "the slut with dirty initials." For me, that won't narrow it down at all.

Searching for Old Boyfriends - w4m - 30

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Reply to: pers-238998523@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-23, 3:32PM EST


I decided to search out my old boyfriends if you remember me please write. I will not answer e-mails that do not contain correct information.

My name is B J (initials) you must reply with my name for reply and something you remember about us. If you know the Ridgewood area, cypress avenue you should remember me.

Thanksgiving themes are unnecessary

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/239018686.html

Happy Thanksgiving!

I understand it's a holiday, but that doesn't mean you have to make your anonymous internet sex requests festive. Unless you're this dude. Allow me to translate/de-festive-ize:

That doggy bag = Bag of food
Aunt Rose = a symbol of family or anyone from your real life that you're escaping from to meet with this total stranger, also a sign that your real life is really sad if you need an escape like this
Putting it to work = Dumping its contents all over your boobs
Nasty mashed potatoes = Nasty mashed potatoes
Your delicious jugs = your boobs, the place where he wants to rub "nasty mashed potatoes" in one of those "this sounded sexy in theory but now I just have mashed potatoes all over my boobs" fantasies
A little better = Laden with the warm white thick goo that is mashed potato
My hot meat = Not actual food, but the author's genitals
Your potatoes = I think he means your boobs, especially given the title of the ad and the fact your boobs are now swimming in actual potatoes
Man-gravy = The warm white thick goo that is the author's semen
Bring it to work Monday = Possibly the stupidest thing ever to do with this stranger's semen that used to be on your boobs. Like why would you ever do that?
Throw it in the fridge and see if someone steals it = An actual reason to bring the man-gravy into work. It would actually be pretty awesome if someone stole it.

I respect this ad only because the author himself is curious why the above nonsense turns you on. Even he needs to have it explained to him.

Mashed potato titty fuck - m4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-239018686@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-23, 4:51PM EST


So what better way to celebrate Thanksgiving than taking out that doggy bag from Aunt Rose and putting it to work. Let's slap some of those nasty mashed potatoes between your delicious jugs and see if we can make them a little better. I'll slide my hot meat in your potatoes and add my man-gravy. You can taste test, or you can bring it to work Monday and throw it in the fridge and see if someone steals it.

I'm fun to talk to, look at and eat with. Send a pic and let me know why this turns you on.

PASSION!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238433356.html

I have these fantasies. I want to complete them, like a video game character completes a level.

Who are these fantasies with? Well, despite the fact I don't know your race, they are clearly with you! I see your face of indeterminate color, I stroke your body of indeterminate size, and then I touch your skin of indeterminate age. Oh it's you, baby. It's so you.

He wants to hold you gently, but kind of tight. I hope you like nuance attractive, because this guy is as nuanced as you can get WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND USE EXCLAMATION POINTS TO FINISH ALL OF YOUR RUNON SENTENCES!

He later writes his fantasies are with a lady who has passion like he does. I thought his fantasies were with me! Cowboy Will has been led on :(

He also prefers that you be caucasian, asian, and black. That's quite a specific pedigree he's looking for, but he doesn't care which percentage of each race you are, just so long as you statistically perform, overperform, and underperform in this country's public schools.

FANTASIES! - m4w - 25 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-238433356@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-22, 4:12AM EST


I HAVE THESE FANTASIES I WANT TO COMPLETE AND THESE FANTASIES ARE WITH YOU! I WANT TO DO SO MUCH WITH YOU! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR BODY ALL NIGHT AND WAKE UP TO A STEAMY HOT ROUGH SEX! BUT FIRST, I WANT TO UNDRESS YOU SO GENTLY AND KISS YOUR BREASTS, TOUCH BETWEEN YOUR LEGS THEN PUT MY SOFT LIPS ON THE SIDE OF YOUR NECK AND STROKE THE NIGHT AWAY!

I WANT TO ENTER INSIDE YOU FROM BEHIND, I WANT TO HOLD YOU GENTLY BUT KIND OF TIGHT, I WANT TO LOVE YOUR BODY LIKE IT WAS ALL MINE, BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO ALL OF THAT, I WANT TO BE TOUCHED BY YOUR LIPS WHERE IT FEELS SO NICE.

MY FANTASIES ARE WITH A LADY WHO HAS PASSION THE SAME WAY I HAVE.

PREFERABLY ASIAN, CAUCASIAN AND BLACK.

Howdy ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238238182.html

The author of this ad really likes consecutive commas. She is a classic Latin American gal, so if you're a collector, she'll fit well in your collection of Latin American women. Right next to your vintage 1988 Selena and 1950 Evita Peron.

If I could say more about her, she enjoys the finniest things in life (who doesn't?) and goes from every attention a man can give to a woman like her. I think she's saying that she wants you to buy her stuff and give her lots of attention. A guess a "woman like me" is both really self-absorbed and unable to properly use the preposition "from."

She has an opend mind, which means that someone has sadly already opened it. It may be for that reason that "[she] wont spreed all [her] words for many stupid people that would read to ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,," The reason her post was so short was that she doesn't want to spreed all of her words. She knows like 100 different words, but she's only written like half of them because she's saving them all for a man of intelligence, the very sort of man who would be attracted to this young Gabriela Mistral. The dumb masses would prefer to read her post to ",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,," which I believe is Spanish for "...................." which is just a bunch of punctuation strung together and means nothing at all.

I hope you're Marv Albert, because if you're not, you'll have a very hard time seducing her whit your replay.

Hello ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, - w4m - 26 (Upper East Side)

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Reply to: pers-238238182@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 5:46PM EST


Hi,i am a very attractive classic Latin American gal,i love finniest things in live,goes from every attention a man can give to a woman like me,opend mind,fun,sincere,young,i'm looking for that man how likes to give the best and receive it,well i wont spreed all my words for many stupid people that would read to ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,if you are the man i am looking for,we can make it happened, seduce me whit your replay and a photo of you

When I say hide the twinkie, I mean an actual twinkie

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/cas/238039704.html

The author of this post knows her fantasy is a little weird, so I'll cut her some slack.

She's a larger woman searching for extramarital sex. And by the way, if your 400lb wife cheats on you, I'd start picking which daytime talk show you want to appear on now or else she'll end up doing it for you.

She wants to play hide the twinkie, which I had at first guessed was some sort of euphamism for sex (hiding your penis, which looks like a twinkie, inside of her). But no, she meant an actual twinkie. That's just sad.

It's even sadder that her body is big enough that it can actually hide a twinkie and that you may have difficulty finding it. It's even sadder still that she wants to play the game several times, suggesting that there are several different hiding places on her body.

Oh, and as an aside, by the way... if you want to poop on her... yeah, she "may" be okay with that. She's naturally shy about the idea. It's not something normal, something she can be up front about. Like hide the twinkie.

bbw seeking some weird fun - w4m - 30

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Reply to: pers-238039704@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 11:19AM EST


I am 5'2",400lbs, and have a weird sense of humor. I am married, and cannot do this with my husband. You may find this weird, but I accept my wieght, and want to have some fun with it. I want to go out, have some drinks, go to a motel, or your place cause im married. Then I want to play hide the twinkie. I will hide it on my body, and you have to find it with your mouth, no hands. We will do this a few times, and then if you turn me on enough, I will be more than willing to sleep with you. I know this sounds weird, or degrading, but hey, its my fantasy, if you are not interested, dont respond. If you are into defecation, I may be too.

I don't think this woman knows what "seeking" means

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238203158.html

The author of this ad is seeking a Wall Street trader type guy. She then goes on to describe such a guy, in quite unflattering terms. Then, she says that if you meet the description of the very kind of guy she is seeking then... surprise! She doesn't want to hear from you at all.

Who does she want to hear from? I have no idea.

We know that she's a bond trader with a very high impression of herself and a very low impression of those around her. We also know that she's cruel and sarcastic. So I have no idea why people hate Wall Street people.

Also, it's spelled "peepee," bitch.

Seeking Wall St. trader type guy - w4m - 32 (Financial District)

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Reply to: pers-238203158@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 4:31PM EST


Are you a Wall St. trader or banker working in the financial district?
Do you have a Bloomberg?
Do you have thin white arms and a little belly because of too much work and no time to work out?
Do you (in reality) suck in bed, because you havn't gotten laid in a while due to your incredible work hours and stress?
Do you have a tiny pipi and you don't even care, because you make enough money as a 'substitution'?

If so, DON'T reply.

Me: 32, long blonde hair, very attractive, bond-trader, surrounded by losers like you the whole day.

Do you want to be used for your apartment and spatial skills?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238067211.html

The author of this ad has a "buddy," by which I mean "homosexual sex partner." Neither he nor his mensa/nambla colleague is able to determine which of two gentalia is longer.

Since women are known for their ability to see two objects and discern which is longer, they have constructed a wager. They will recruit a woman to determine whose is bigger, settling once and for all their question.

Why couldn't they just measure themselves? Besides the fact that women do it better, two dudes measuring penises would just be gay. And on that topic, the loser of the bet performs oral sex on the winner.

The woman doesn't seem to do anything besides determine who the winner is. She also has to host (both of these geniuses are also homeless). So if you want to lay back and enjoy watching the dumbest contest of the century, just email these guys and it will come directly to you.

The wager as been set. - mm4w - 30 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-238067211@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 12:14PM EST


A buddy and I bet each other that we were bigger than the other.

We need a woman willing to measure us and tell us who is bigger.

The loser must service the other guy right there.

Any woman interested. We need you to host as well.

You were at which Starbucks? Oh no, then who did I have sex with?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/238014295.html

I love the idea in theory. In reality, there are some problems that our promising young financial district yuppie will have to overcome.

The financial district has more starbucks than it has banks or residents. Saying "meet me in starbucks" is like saying "meet me somewhere in asia."

Second, I don't know if our author knows this, but it's not as if 1130a is only lunch time for him and his lady friend. No, it's lunchtime for the rest of the financial district, too. So if you don't think there will be a long line of impatient people trying to use that bathroom, mainly for nonsexual and more urgent purposes, you haven't lived in New York long.

Next, no one in your offices would suspect a thing? Are people in your offices stupid? How about when you come back from starbucks not smelling like a mocha latte but instead like the distinct smell of sex? How about when you look all disheveled? (or do you think you're gonna shower and change and do your hair in the starbucks bathroom, too?)

Also, won't other people from your office also be at the Starbucks? Or is it a secret starbucks that only you and she know about?

Lastly, do you have to be a total yuppie and do it at Starbucks? Can't you support a local coffee shop and small businesses in general by fucking in their bathroom? Or do you need fucking T-Mobile Wi-fi while you do someone in a bathroom?

The age we live in...

Meet me in Starbuck's bathroom at 11:30am for a hot fuck - m4w - 28 (Financial District)

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Reply to: pers-238014295@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 10:24AM EST


I'm cute, trim, tall, white and want to meet a horny girl who works near me for a quick and very hot fuck. I don't have diseases and don't want any. We meet at Starbuck's, we slip back to the bathroom, go in. You put your hands on the sink, I move behind you and your feel my hard cock on your ass. I slide my hands up your shirt and play with your tits. You pull down your pants or lift your skirt. I pull down my pants, slip on my condom and then I fuck you hard against the sink while we watch ourselves in the mirror. Then we go our separate ways. No one at our offices would ever suspect a thing. Are you ready?

Weekend Fascist

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/237893081.html

With hobbies like this, you'd think this gentleman would have no trouble finding a lady. I honestly haven't met any girl who isn't down for committing some hate crimes. "The erotic kind of hate crimes," that is.

Ladies, he'd also like to have "arousing discussion on the beauty of Eugenics over a bottle of Schnapps." For a second, I thought he might be tough. But then I realized he drank Schnapps. Apple martinis, anyone?

But, as a gesture of good will, I'm certain, he says Jewish ladies are OK, as are large women. He only hates skinny chicks. Something tells me that a weekend with this dude will climax with leaving a burning cross on Kate Moss' lawn.

Totalitarianism, jackboots and iron crosses do it for you? Read on! - 25

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Reply to: pers-237893081@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 11:46PM EST


Weekend fascist looking for a lively Nazi-friendly lady to commit hate crimes* with. The erotic kind of hate crimes, of course.

Wide range of activities possible, from cuddling in bed with “Marches of the Third Reich” on the stereo to arousing discussion on the beauty of Eugenics over a bottle of schnapps.

Neofolk music also available.

Jewish girls OK, but must be self-deprecating ones. Large women are OK as well, no discrimination there (but be at least over 100 lbs, I don’t need a lawndart).



*No actual “hate crimes” will be committed. Or at least admitted to in public. Plus, it’s cold out this week and I’m not leaving the house to run around in the night doing silly things.

I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/237979699.html

Do you like bare-knuckle boxing???? With Eskimos? Do you enjoy extraneous question marks? Do you like my Colombian-drug-lord cum twelve-year-old-boy-who-can't-quite-grow-one mustache.... WELL do you?????

cute...fit.....WELL are you???????? do you like turkey meat balls??? (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-237979699@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 8:34AM EST
do you like the gym????????? Is that a bad thing to enjoy? Why do so many woman think that is a bad question? Do you stop to pet dogs? Are you sincere when talking to others????? Can you laugh for no reason at all??

Let's go to prison!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/237763538.html

I'm not only surprised inmates get to use the internet, I'm surprised they get to use the internet at 11:14p.

The author of this ad comforts us with the knowledge that she has never killed anybody. I feel better already.

She is in jail. For what? Well, that's something we'll find out when it's already too late to back out of her knowing who you are and having an IP she can trace to find you.

Apparently, GUARDS are GROSS, which means that all of the Cinemax movies about women in jail are GROSSly inaccurate. That's a shame. However, based on her cup size, they aren't wholly inaccurate.

Unlike most ads, which seek sex for the immediate future, this one is to plan a conjugal visit in a month. That will give you enough time to learn how to please her deepest fantasies, which include:

a) hiding cigarettes and iron files inside of your body
b) tattoos of prison blueprints all over your back
c) quickly running for governor and obtaining the ability to grant pardons
d) rape "fantasy" involving the dirty bitch who ratted her out to the police
e) role playing "game" where you dress up in women's clothes and pretend to be her, all while she dresses up in men's clothes and walks out of jail

I'm behind bars--out in 3-12 months--let's talk or .......... - w4m - 38

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Reply to: pers-237763538@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 11:14PM EST


OK this has to be quick b/c I only get 30 min/day on the computer. NOOOO I didn't kill anybody. I'll explain why I'm here when we talk. Sure there are plenty of women around but no MEN except GUARDS and they are GROSS. Conjugal coming up in mid-December--hoping to hook up.
What do you think? Your pic will get mine and let's talk about it.
38-redhead (real (wink wink))very feminine, 5'7", 38DD w/ lips that can go all night long. Take a chance on me. You won't be sorry. Give me something to read to pass the time.......thanks.

From the continent that brought us Pokemon

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/237923635.html

I hope you weren't looking for a relationship from this deep, intelligent woman with whom you likely have much in common. She looking for american man sex friends only.

Her name is Chung Li, but she goes by Rosalita. She wanted to assimilate, but less into American culture than either Latin American or Western European culture.

Anyway, she likes to do sex with me (American man). What qualifications does she have? Well she is hot with good boobys and she like to sex with me, which frankly, not enough women are.

Now that we have established a sexual rapport, Rosalita introduces a sexual game she is interested in playing. She's new to America, and playing it will make her feel a little more at home in her strange new land.

After sex, she fills the condem (never have sex without a condem) with water and pokie bullon! pokie bullon! After repeating its name, how would she describe this act? Fun time game! I couldn't express it better myself with all the broken English in the world. Also fun game good sex time. That also expresses it.

Even before we say yes to this fun time game, she is thanking us already.

hi i seeking american man sex friends only - w4m - 21 (Chelsea)

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Reply to: pers-237923635@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-21, 1:29AM EST


hallo im chung li, but in america i like calling me rosalita, ok.
i asian not long in america i liking american man for sex never meeting any but today ok.
i like to do sex with you american man i also hot with good boobys and liking to sex with you.
ok so in asia i do sex with boyfreind and we play condem pokie bulloon.
after sex we take condem fill with water and take pin an pokie bullon! pokie bullon! fun time game.
you and me do sex ad pokie bullon! like at home reminding of me, fun game good sex time
write letters and to me, say as tidal pokey bullon!
thanking already
rosalita

Am I the only one who prefers Dorothy?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/237689567.html


The author of this ad was six years old when Blanche Devreaux, a character on TV's The Golden Girls, was introduced to the masses. Even then, Blanche was too old to attract normal men.

Now, at the age of 27, our plucky author has decided he doesn't just have a bit of a Blanche crush. Even after the episode where Blanche openly discussed menopause, he wants his tongue to grace her... dry lady parts.

Blanche had two defining characteristics: she was a southern belle and she was a slut. The author of this ad has specified that his woman need not be southern, which only leaves slut (and, i guess, old). He could have just asked for an old slut, but he wanted to show off his knowledge of TV sitcoms.

With a knowledge like that, it's amazing he has to turn to the internet for play.

I want to go down on BLANCHE DEVEREAUX - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-237689567@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 4:09PM EST


You don't necessarily have to be from the south, though. I am cute, white, safe and discreet. your pic for mine. Get in touch.

A Latter Day Socrates

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/237440200.html

The title of this post leaves unambiguous the desires of its author.

It turns out that sodomy is the ultimate sexual act of trust, and not bondage or unprotected sex or sex with emotional attachment. I learned this from a philosopher who posts about sodomy on craigslist at 830a (just before his commute to work? at the office already? perhaps jobless in a recession for sodomy experts?).

In case you're unfamiliar with "the joy that lies on the other side of convention," I have 7 words for you: The peace that is past the pain. That self explanatory sentence is perhaps the closest thing to divine truth you and I will ever experience. How could you not understand that sentence. It doesn't need a predicate. It just needs an article, a subject, and a clause. And somehow it means something about your butt.

Did you know that pleasure is just a distraction on the way to something higher and deeper? I didn't either, but leave it to an online sex ad for anonymous sodomy to teach me that there's more to life than pleasure.

My absolute fave line comes next: "If you're an atheist, you will get to know God experientially, from being fucked in the ass."

Then comes a philosophical distinction. Ass-fucking is some sort of paradox-inducing universe-destroying concept. While God separated the light from the dark, day from night, water from the Earth, fucking an ass destroys all of those distinctions. No wonder the Bible hates it so much!

Butt-fucking is quite different. It "offers spiritual resolution -- path to God." This is why the Bible says nothing about butt fucking, because it preserves the very dichotomies that make life on Earth coherent.

Like any good philosophical work, there is the natural voice of the objector. Here said voice is implied, but it asks, "Aren't butts and asses the same thing? What's the difference."

The author responds, "The penetration is deeper, more profound, it rides the edge of sanity...."

Well, I don't know what he means by "rides the edge of sanity," unless the edge of sanity is, in fact, the author's penis (think about it). In which case you'd have to be insane not to be all over this man.

At the end, the author puts in white hidden text some key words to be found in a search. They include bondage, lolita, threesome, lonely, hand job and blow job. What do these have to do with Sodomy? The author would tell you, but they'd feed him hemlock if he did.

SODOMY - m4w

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Reply to: pers-237440200@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 8:31AM EST


Sodomy is the ultimate sexual act of trust. You could really get hurt if you resist. But pushing past that fear, by passing through it, lite rally the joy that lies on the other side of convention. The peace that is past the pain.

Pleasure alone is mere temporary indulgence, subtle distraction, while on the path to something higher and deeper.

If you're an atheist, you will get to know God experientially, from being fucked in the ass.

Ass-fucking transcends all opposites, all conflicts -- positive and negative, good and bad, high a low, shallow and deep, pleasure and pain, love and death and unifies them renders all one. Butt-fucking offers spiritual resolution -- path to God.

The penetration is deeper, more profound, it rides the edge of sanity....

Please send your body and face pictures For women ONLY

Key Words: submission, domination, bondage, spanking, spank, submissive, kinky, pain slut,BDSM, discipline, punishment, master, slave, top, bottom, safe,anal, ass,naughty, little, lolita,guilt, control, lonely, hung, sodomy, perversion, porn, erotica, sex, couple, threesome, hd, handjob, bj, blow job, doggie, fuck, suck, sm, D/s.

I suggest lying

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/237405777.html

The author of this ad needs some help. And when I need help, craigslist is where I go, too.

The author's boys tell him how "girl be doing a lot of freaky shit to them." Girl be doing lots of freaky shit, true, but his boys don't need to be going around town telling everybody about it. It's going to ruin girl's reputation.

What freaky shit, you ask? Well "suck there dicks" is one, but "fuck them in the ass" is quite another. I didn't know girl had a penis. Girl, what be wrong wit u?

So our author wants to be able to seem cool in front of his peers but hasn't much of a life story to share. He does share one slice of life with us, his intimate friends: he once recieved manual sex. Knowing that tidbit about the author really develops him as a character.

He is fairly unpicky, he wants a response from "some any woman."

I suggest he do what we all do when our boys are talking to us: lie. Just make up stuff and you'll seem cool. Heck, girl be doing so much freaky shit, people will believe it.

Need some help - m4w - 20 (Upper East Side)

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Reply to: pers-237405777@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 2:26AM EST


Well i am a virgin n i hear my boys tell me how girl be doing a lot of freaky shit to them like suck there dicks fuck them in the ass n i want that i tell i have but i really havent a girl jerked me off once but thats about it i am a latino male who lives my him self willing to learn how to do anything i have pic's some any woman just write me back thanx

Seriously, no jooke

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/237306629.html

If you have time to loose or if you want to make love slowly, this post is not for you.

This ad is written by a man of Italian descent who cannot believe "someone is fucking for serious with this game you know" which is an Italian expression which means "Hello Princess!"

The author again reminds you he is Italian and says that that makes him "a little beat diffident" about this thing, which means that the rythym section of his band plays with fewer beats and does so in a carless manner. I don't know what that has to do with his search for sex, but maybe you should bring your own lovemaking music when you meet him.

Right after that tidbit, our paisan starts SHOUTING: He basically explains the obvious: he wants sex (obv), send him pictures and if he likes them he'll send you his TEL NUMB (obv).

Here's a nice touch: a coffee meeting. A cappuccino perhaps? Maybe an espresso? For the cultural experience of coffee with an Italian alone this is worth it. Then sex.

No money. No trans. (but he didn't say no men... could that still be an option?) No jooke.

Seriously, no jooke.

IF SOMEONE WANT FUCK SERIOUSLY NO JOOKE!!! - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-237306629@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-19, 9:13PM EST


Just for girls who dont have time to loose and they want to fuck quick!!!
I'm an italian guy here in town for work......I dont belive someone is fucking for serious with this game you know i'm italian and i'm little beat diffident about this thing....BUT I WANT TO FUCK SO IF THERE IS SOMEONE AROUND MANHATTAN WHO WANT TO FUCK SEND ME YOUR PICS...AND IF I'LL LIKE THEM I WILL GIVE U MY TEL NUMB AND WE;LL HAVE A COFFE MEETING THEN SEX!!!!
NO MONEY NO TRANS NO JOOKE.

Next time you're in Beijing...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/237386451.html

The author of this ad filed the ad under "Long Island," and yet he is not on LI. No, he is a bit further out, in Beijing.

The substance of the ad is "I want to find a woman who, should she ever go to Beijing (cause new yorkers find themselves there so often) would have sex with me." A fairly reasonable request.

This guy "don't concern your look" which is good because if you fly all the way to Beijing and it turns out youre not hot enough, then won't you feel silly? However, you must "like to have the fun"... haha.. you know what he means (i think "the fun" means sex).

I think it's adorable that he actually wrote ...haha...you know what i mean. He laughs at his own jokes, which proves he has a good sense of humor.

So if you like singing, dancing, swimming, and other sports (is swimming a sport?), then agree to one day go to beijing. If nothing else, this ad proves that New York women are viewed in China as so slutty that this guy is looking in America for women when he's in a country with 500,000,000 of them. If you don't go to China to sleep with him, you're not just letting him down, you're letting down America.

NSA sex in Beijing, China - m4w - 29

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Reply to: pers-237386451@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-20, 1:03AM EST


Hi. gals, im 29, an open-minded, energetic, funny and goodlooking guy in Beijing, China. i am writing here to find some females who will come to beijing some day and would like to have NSA sex with me. i am free of drugs and sexual diseases, and like singing, dancing, swimming and other sports..
you must be at 18~45 years old, D&D free.. and of course, you must like to have the fun ..haha..you know what i mean. i really don't concern your look.

contact me at [email address] at gmail dot com..hope i will hear from you soon..

^_^

How would you guage your own smell?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/237018591.html

The author of this ad is looking for a woman who describes herself the same way that McDonald's used to describe food. Further, said woman recognizes that a part of her that is always far away from her nose smells bad.

He promises to lick a woman clean (at which point, won't she no longer smell?) and offers to drink her urine.

He also has a bunch of other specifics (be in midtown, be tall, saggy breasts and belly) and I wonder just how big the size of his possible dating pool is. It's a good thing Hispanics are also ok, or he'd be too picky to get anyone.

looking for a Black supersize BBW with a hairy smelly cunt - for real - m4w - 32 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-237018591@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-19, 7:27AM EST


Hi there - please understand that this is not meant to offend anyone - I am for real and I find large Black BBWs with a heavy and smelly cunt very sexy.

Im very oral and dont expect anything in return except that you let me eat u and pleasure you for as long as you want - I will eat ur cunt lick it clean for you and make you cum as much as you like - u can tell me when ur done with me and i will leave.

You can sit on my face grind it on me make me eat ur cunt and your asshole and even piss on me - and if ur truly kinky make me drink ur pee.

If this is something that you like write back

Im 5'8" east indian muscular and good looking

looking for a tall Black supersized BBW (Hispanic also ok) over 250lbs at least - with big saggy breasts big belly and a hairy cunt - I do like it smelly if you can keep it like that for me - thick fat thighs and a big fat saggy ass - mmmmmm
so I can bury my head into it.

write back and lets see where it goes - if you would like to chat first online that is cool too

waiting to hear from you

World Traveller

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I smell good all the time

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/cas/236842598.html

I am gentleman at all times. I am well educated, though not in subtle art sentence construction, grammar or article usage. If I had to describe myself, the third thing that comes to mind is my shaved pubic hair. Also, for some strange reason, even though I workout three times a week, I smell good all the time. I don't even need to shower.

Unlike everyone else in New York, I have no character or personality issues. On that topic, I enjoy sex and enjoy it even more when the other person consented to it, although that by no means is a requirement.

My climax is making my partner climax. But, more accurately, my climax is technically when I orgasm.

I'm not just about pounding the hell out of a woman -- I am, after all, a gentleman. However, I am willing to pound the hell out of you.

I take request... in other words (and how is "I take request" not self explanatory?) have it your way (like Burger King).

I bring class to a style and class to a party, as well as my meticulously described penis. On the topic of style and class, let me discuss how your vagina must smell if you want oral sex. It should smell about as good as me. If you can come up with a classier way to put that, you should be a well educated professional businessperson, too.

You will not be disappointed with any aspect of me. This is partly because I have described myself in no way. How old am I? What race am I? Does Irish blue eyezzz refer to me or to the woman I want? Why all the z's? The author has set no expectations about anything except his penis (which he also includes a picture of). Somehow I think he may still be able to disappoint.

IRISH BLUE EYEZZZ - m4w

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Reply to: pers-236842598@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-18, 6:12PM EST


I am laid back, easy going and gentleman at all times. I am a self employed professional well educated business man. I am clean, neat, shaved pubic area and smell good all the time. I workout 3 times per week and have a nice lean hard body. I have no character nor personality issues. Discreetion and confidentially are very important to me. I love sex and especially with someone who also enjoys it. I like one on one as well as threesome. It is important to me that my partner is more pleased and satisfied than I am. My climax is making my partner climax. I truly enjoy causing a woman to shake all over. It is not just about pounding the hell out of woman, although I can do that and do it quite well. It is about leaving her with that yerning desire to say "I have got to have some more of that and soon". She is the center attraction. I seek to provide high quality ultimate pleasure and complete satisfaction. I take request, in other words have it your way. I bring style, class, nice body, 6 1/2" long, thick, extra lasting hard cock to the party. Enjoy very much giving and receiving oral sex, as long as she smells good just as I. You will not be disappointed with any aspect of me.

I bet her eyes would hurt when it was over

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/233462433.html

I've heard of men having sex with their eyes. It's like staring sexily.

But to gangbang a woman with your eyes, you'd need really aggressive eyes. And like six of them.

LES - w4m - 30 (Lower East Side)

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Reply to: pers-233462433@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-11, 5:24PM EST


iso single man to gangbang me with his eyes

I will bring myself on a silver plater

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/236579572.html

Not only will I bring myself, unlike the other gentlemen who require you to carry them somewhere, I will bring myself on a silver plater!

What is a plater, you ask? I thought it was like a Dutch plate, but it's actually a short lived Canadian junior hockey team. And this dude will take a former member of such team, dip him in molten silver, and somehow carry himself atop the very plater on which he lies. Amazing!

So anyway, here's the deal: he has all his nights at your service (can you believe this guy has no other plans? you would think a guy with this level of sophistication has dinners with royalty and business deals to attend to).

However, despite his availability, he will only bring "it" (himself?) to you when you need it (him?).

Also, and here's the big catch, "it is some kind of trust." I don't know if this is the aforementioned "it" that he will bring to you, but even then, I have no idea what he's talking about. But if you cant trust silver plater dude who posts for sex at 4:24a, then you have issues.

"Must be some attraction also." Man this dude is picky! Luckily he only needs "some" attraction.

Okay, here comes the remix. The author begs you to let him "mix the all thing together."

Are you ready?

Okay, here it come: "nice,warm,hot and wet in those cold winter nights...........just what we
need"

I am not kidding when I say that my best/most plausible guess is that he was just describing his semen. He is actually suggesting that in the cold winter nights, you will be kept warm and hot by his seed. In fact, it's what you need. Otherwise you (and possibly he) might die of hypothermia.

In conclusion, the author gets more poetic (if that's humanly possible) by suggesting that this fantasy exists apart from "this other world." I don't know if he means cyberspace or the dimension where people don't seek shelter from the cold by seeking sperm. Either way, I'm impressed that my mouse is so powerful that one click can transport me to a whole other world.

It seems the target of this ad is women who mistake interstellar transport with subsisting on sperm to avoid November weather. On the upside, that sperm is served on a silver plater.

I will bring myself on a silver plater serve with affection& attention - m4w - 30 (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: pers-236579572@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-18, 4:24AM EST


Here the deal i have all my nights at yours service,only if u need-it i will bring-it to u,the only thing need-it is some kind of trust ,must be some attraction also , and let me mix the all thing together and here it come ,nice,warm,hot and wet in those cold winter nights...........just what we
need ,lets make-it happen its just a click away from this other world.

Smooth

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/236521852.html

Hey baby. I want you to come over. Why? Well for sex, but let's pretend it's "so we can talk." We do, after all, have so much to talk about.

This is just one example of how smooth this guy talks. Another example is, "I want the lights to stay low from beginning to end... I'd love for you to leave before I need to turn them on again," which is smooth talking for "I don't want to look at you and when we're done, I'd like you out of my apartment." This guy is like Don Juan (or possibly someone who doesn't like big electric bills)(or someone who has no electricity and wants a creative excuse why the lights are never on in his apartment).

The post reaches a climax with "Your hand will guide my throb while have my tong caresses that hard nipple"

Personally, I've never had a hand guide my throb before. I'd just love a hand to point out where my throb is.

I also think it's a creative touch to massage a nipple with a tong (perhaps of the salad variety?). But which nipple, you ask? Well, the hard one. Yeah, that one. Not the soft one.

Finally, the author admits he's excited just thinking about the things "i want you to do to you." Personally, after the throb and the tongs, I'm surprised he's turned on by what you're doing to yourself. But you probably can do you better than this man of indeterminate age or appearance.

SWEET - m4w

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Reply to: pers-236521852@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-17, 11:48PM EST


i want you to come over so we can talk

i want the lights to stay low from the beginning and

I'd love for you to leave before

i need to turn them on again.

I'd love to kiss your neck ,your lips,your body.

i want to tell you about all the things i love to do to your body...

you can wear whatever you'd like. play dress up.toys..high heels, boots, a dress for me to lift up,

or a ponytail for me to hold.

I'd like for to run my hand very slowly up your leg and pull your panties to the side

when you can't take anymore. Your hand will guide my throb while have my tong caresses that hard nipple

I'm getting hard just thinking about the things i want you to do to you.

Large and in charge

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/236549512.html

You know what I could go for right about now? The answer to this question is usually some kind of food, but in this case it's a large woman.

The author of this ad knows how to sweet talk a lady. I personally don't know any woman that wouldn't like to be described as "large and in charge." She'd be like Charles from that TV show where he was in charge. And what woman wouldn't want to be Scott Baio?

Like a fortune cookie, the author then predicts that your wish, whatever it may be (the career of my dreams? financial independence?) will be eagerly granted. That was a nice touch, but I wish the ad also provided lucky lotto numbers as well.

The author is open to women of any race, within reason. Seriously, if you're black or middle eastern, that's just not reasonable, ok? He's not crazy.

He's willing to host, but he knows that it suits you best to come to him. He's 5'9, 175, cute blond hair, and grey eyes. And his ideal woman... is the same! Which is strange because that's large, but not large enough to be in charge.

I could go for a BBW, right about now - m4w - 24 (Union Square)

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Reply to: pers-236549512@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-18, 1:29AM EST


I'm looking a woman that's large and in-charge to have her way with me tonight. Your wish will be eagerly granted. Open to all age and race (within reason).

ME: 5'9 175, cute blonde hair, grey eyes, well-educated, drug and disease free (you too please)

I can host at my apt. near u. square or I can travel to you (which suits you best). Please let me know

What is a real women all about, anyway?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/236052490.html

First off, I coud use this guy as rope for my lasso. He's 5'11 but a mere 20lbs. That would make him either

a) styrofoam
b) some sort of vapor or
c) about an inch in diameter

Next, he makes a typo and says he wants a "women". But what he lacks in spelling skills he more than makes up for in persistence. He emphasizes "women" (puts in all caps in fact) because he is tired of the immaturity. I know that when I look for maturity, I head straight for CL to find a married women who will trade pics with younger dudes on the internet. If nude JPEG-exchange isn't maturity, then I don't know why they call porn with old women "mature."

How mature? Well, 28 is obv too immature. 37 is just too gross/mature. The ideal amount of maturity is between the ages of 29-36.

The author wants to find out what a real women is all about. What is a real women all about, anyway? My guess is a constant psychological need to establish value in a world dominated by men and a strong biological desire to start a family and nurture children. And there's no better way to see if this is right/learn the truth than by finding someone's wife off the internet.

In case the ad was ambiguous before, he blatantly wants hot, erotic passionate nights. If he knew anymore synonyms, he would have used them, too.

He prefers someone who is married or in a relationship with someone else because he wants "to please and be pleased." It's a shame that single women are impossible to please/incapable of pleasing. Must be their immaturity.

22 and looking for an older women to please - m4w - 22

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Reply to: pers-236052490@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-17, 2:07AM EST


I'm a nice tall 5'11 20lbs fit latino looking for a WOMEN, and i emphasize women because i am tired of the immaturity, between the ages of 29-36 who is fit, and willing to show me what a real women is all about. I , blatently, want to experiance hot erotic passionate nights, without any long term commitment. I would prefer a married women or someone who is emotionally tied as im looking to please and be pleased. If you are this person and willing to trade pics write back.

Wingman Santa

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/236001749.html

So I was up at the North Pole last night when this post came to Santa's attention. (Don't think for a second that elves don't monitor NY CL CAS every minute of the day. The sexual tension at Santa's Workshop rivals that of Nordstrom's.)

Santa's initial reaction was, "Aren't you 40? Didn't I stop giving you presents before the fall of the Soviet Union?"

On behalf of the sexually needy everywhere, and hoping to one day score presents at old age myself, I pled this woman's case.

"Santa," I said, "She's been really good all year long. And," I paused trying to think of anything else in the ad that could come to this woman's defense. "She has a quick wit," was all I could come up with.

"Men don't care. Is she at least in good shape?"

"Kinda," I replied. "Sure, she appeals to neither people who want thin women nor to people who want BBWs, but there must be a whole field of men who want quick witted older women, regardless of body type, no?"

With his definitive knowledge of the sexual desires of mankind throughout Christendom, Santa said no.

"She loves leftovers."

"What does that even mean?"

"Well if the drumstick is the male organ and the stuffing is either the act or the seed, then the leftovers would be... um..."

We both paused and considered various possibilities. We then simultaneously went "ewww."

Dear Santa.......... - w4m - 40

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Reply to: pers-236001749@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-16, 11:12PM EST


I've been a really good girl all year long, and I was hoping to put in my Christmas wish a bit early. It seems that I've become all work and no play, and my wish this Christmas is to find a nice sexy man. Granted if he could even show up after Thanksgiving to deliver his own stuffing and drumstick, that would be swell too! I love leftovers!

I'm hoping Santa will bring me a guy who's a patient and creative lover, fortysomething, has a great sense of humor, witty, astute, literate, and SINGLE! I'm a tall blonde, and wish for my guy to stand above 5'10". I'm between average and BBW, quick wit, high drive, and hoping to make this a regular thing should Santa deliver!

Your pic gets mine, and I'll be waiting eagerly by the fireplace........

He won't just touch your hoo-hoo, he'll touch your heart

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/235827884.html

Let's get one thing straight: You must always be treated as a lady. Always. So unlike the other dudes who will try to grab your penis or lick your adam's apple, this guy will treat you as if you were a real lady.

Why? Because you're busy. Like the author was too busy in 57 years to learn the difference between your and you're or how to turn the caps lock off, he knows you're busy.

But take a life lesson from this weary sage: make time for love and kisses. How much of each? Some and a few. If you can't take life and love advice from a lonely grandfather looking for sex on the internet then you may be doomed to a life of loneliness, looking for sex on whatever the internet's equivalent is in 30 years.

From out of the blue, a true friend reaches for your hand, and they don't make friends truer than this near-sexegenarian looking for hand-holding/heart-groping on the internet. He's always been there for you, ever since he was born in the Hoover administration up until he made the worldwide declaration that you must be treated as if you were a real lady.

I don't even know if he's the true friend or if he's just talking about true friendship as a total non sequitur.

But check this out, as the true friend reaches for your hand, you pull away! But in an amazing act of courage/love/magic/retardation, he touches your heart! How romantic/unexpected is that? I don't even know what base that is (dude, I totally touched her heart last night...)(or should I use ,,, instead)

He touches your heart with discretion and with the kind option of doing you in your place or offering his. However, I urge you not to touch his heart back, as any sensation at all my send him into cardiac arrest.

YOU MUST ALWAYS BE TREATED AS A LADY.. - m4w - 57

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Reply to: pers-235827884@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-16, 4:33PM EST


YOUR BUSY.......YOU CAN MAKE TIME FOR SOME LOVE AND A FEW KISSES....

A TRUE FRIEND REACHES FOR YOUR HAND....AND TOUCHES YOUR HEART..

BLOND,,,6-1 FIT CLEAN...A GREAT PERSON...VERY DISCRETE...

YOUR PLACE OR MINE..............

Racial Generalizations Yes, Specifics No

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/235678393.html

The author of this ad is looking for an Indian woman. No particular reason, he's just looking and hasn't found one yet. Maybe the ones he sees in New York aren't fun and clean enough for him.
"These type of woman" are fun and cute. I have no idea what that means except to say that if you're clean and Indian and fun, then you're fun (truism alert) and cute. At least to this guy. No exceptions. Oh, and from the pool of clean fun Indian women, the author only wants clean people. That eliminates (let me do the math here...) nobody.

Let's learn more about the ethnic stereotype writing this ad. It's the typical white man. What typical traits does he have? He loves other races. That's what whites are known for, especially loving Indians. White people have always though them to be fun, cute, and colonizable.

Why even mention that you love other races? The author kind of makes it clear here that if you're black, hispanic, white, or middle eastern, or east asian, or south asian but not from india, then he's not interested in loving you. He says he loves other races but his preferences say otherwise. Maybe he is a typical white man...

The author himself is cute and fun. Has the author explored the possibility that perhaps he in fact is also an Indian woman? I bet that would blow his race-loving mind.

looking for indian woman - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-235678393@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-16, 11:38AM EST


i am looking for fun clean indian woman
i love these type of woman they are fun and cute
you must be very oral and clean
i am the typical white man
6ft blonde hair blu eyes cute fun athletic and love other races
send some pictures if you want me to respond
also add info like your location age etc..