I have an answer!!!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/254795339.html

The author of this ad has a question!!! He can't ask his friends, so he's looking for the most objective and frank source of information about how people honestly feel about what's normal in sexual situations.

The question is: if you see a "not ugly" guy in his car masturbating and looking at you, what would you do. This was a question so hard that Einstein couldn't tackle it, opting for the paradox of spacetime instead.

Why would you ask this question? Is this some sort of bet? A terrible idea for a belated Christmas present? Did some woman run away from you and your car and you're trying to convince yourself that she's crazy?

You just know that the author of this ad is waiting for that one response that says "Oh, I'd be turned on." And the sad thing is, that woman is out there. Which is odd, cause she should be wandering parking lots, no?

Anyway, according to Cosmo, girls don't like it when you're staring at them in your car while masturbating in public. Girls be crazy.

I have a question!!! - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-254795339@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-29, 12:29AM EST


If one evening you happend to walk by a car thats turned on. You glimpse inside because thats what we all do when we notice a parked car with its engine running. You see a guy, alone, not ugly, seems like a good looking guy to you. Anyway, you notice that he is stroking his cock and he knows you notice him. My question to all the ladies is this: what would you do, how would you feel. Be honest with your answer and please, only ladies. Let me know if you would feel offended, shocked, disgusted. Thanks ladies.

Counter-offer

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/254806342.html

Hmm... tempting offer. But only a sucker (pun!) would accept the first offer. I propose a counter offer: you perform manual sex on me and I get ten dollars. Haggling would then ensue.

Also, note that this shrewd businessman doesn't say who performs oral sex on you. I'd use some of your bargaining chips making sure that the oral sexing is performed by some sort of human being, possibly the author.

MY OFFER: performing oral sex on you - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-254806342@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-29, 1:05AM EST


i'm young, fit and laid back.
all body types welcome.

Sanest Man in New Jersey

http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/cas/254503096.html

What sane, rational man has not always wanted to have sex with a midget?

Sadly, there are some parts of the USA (aka New Jersey) where midgets aren't as common as they are in say, California or Missouri or North Midgetsburg. Thus, the author of this ad hasn't been able to meet/make love to a midget.

The author is sane. Don't believe him? Well, it's varafiable. Go ahead, he'll varafy it with a certificant of sanity or maybe a sanity test where he pees on a stick and it turns purple, the chemical color of sanity residue. Trust me, the more you doubt his sanity, the less sane you probably are.

What else should you know about the author besides the fact he's sane? Well the first thing in terms of importance is that he has truck. Midgets fucking love trucks.

I'm amazed this guy spelled hygenic correctly. But then again, you have to take seriously the problems associated with dirty midgets. You could get teeny tiny herpes.

MIDGET WANTED - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-254503096@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-28, 12:59PM EST


ive always wanted to have sex with a midget but dont know any. im sane (varafiable), have truck, money, home, life, ect. i dont mind about you as long as youre sane & hygenic.

Some sort of girlfriend thing

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/254533231.html

I want to set up one of them there girlfriend things. Some sort of girlfriend arrangement. You know what I mean. I want the whole girlfriend experience.

I'm 46, so I'm not yet too clear on how the whole thing works, I just kind of want to experience it, so I cans get the gist of it. Know what I mean?

Oh, and unlike a regular girlfriend, this here situations gonna have benefits. So I'll be able to touch you and stuff. Hopefully it'll still work.

Your sincerely,

A married guy.

SEEKING GIRLFRIEND ARRANGMENT - m4w - 46

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Reply to: pers-254533231@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-28, 1:56PM EST


ATTRACTIVE 46 MWM SEEKS GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE WITH BENEFITS.

Po-mo ho

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/252286919.html

This likely grad student has to write a paper on Foucault and

1. hasn't had a man who wasn't her professor hit on her in a long time
2. like most sane people, doesn't understand Foucault
   

Most men who are passionate about Foucault probably, like the man himself, aren't interested in women. The few that are may be so boring and long winded that she'll fall asleep long before clothes come off. Even clothes coming off may prompt some dumb-ass comment on who retains power when one person has clothes and the other does not.

Come to think of it... who is more powerful? The clothed person because they're free to walk about or the naked person because they're free of society's trappings...

Ack, I hate this guy.

Anyway, she'll probably get a guy who quickly learns about Foucault (pronounced "foo-coh") so he can have sex with this woman. Problem is, she'll require medical records proving you are passionate about Foucault. That sort of intellectual pomposity shows up in your blood.

michel foucault and sex - w4m - 33

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Reply to: pers-252286919@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-21, 11:12PM EST


i am looking for a guy who is passionate about foucault, the philosopher-historian. i am looking for good conversation on foucault and good sex with such a guy. you should also be skinny, tall and d/d free. you might have to show medical records.

Why they call it Monster.com

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/253975468.html

It's a buyer's market for rapists out there. With a glut of students graduating every year from the top rape schools and not enough, um, openings for new people, you can expect hundreds of applications to this job.

It's a shame because, in the 1970s, the rape market used to be fantastic. Then came outsourcing and the high cost of lawyers.

Anyway, this ad is for a woman so submissive, she doesn't even write the ad herself. She's quoted in it, like it's some sort of newsletter article. In her own words: "I would ask that the proper lubricant be used for anal sex." It's a good thing that got quoted; it's the type of thing the author could never have paraphrased.

Rapists Wanted: Apply Within - w4m

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Reply to: pers-253975468@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-27, 10:50AM EST


My lady friend wants to live out her fantasy of being sexually assaulted by several men at once
She is in her 30's, blonde, slim, and attractive.

In her own words;
"I guess what appeals to me is the struggle and ultimate submission but I am definitely not into pain.I'm also not into having some one cum in my mouth and I would ask that proper lubricant be used for anal sex.I'd be most excited by firm controlling men who make their intentions clear verbally as well as physically.
I'd prefer men up to age 35 and am definitely not into anyone overweight, excessively short, unclean, or otherwise unattractive."


This will take place at a Manhattan hotel this coming Friday evening.
Only respond if you are available then

The rules are as follows:
1-Safe sex only. Condoms are mandatory for all penetrations.
2-No marks or bruises permitted. The lady WILL resist and she may be restrained. She may not be hit in order to subdue her.
3-The lady will wear a blindfold to protect her anonymity. It is NOT to be removed
4-Straight men only. No man on man action.

I will be present to enforce the rules and ensure her safety but will not participate.

If you are interested in participating send me a face/body shot and a brief description of why you should be chosen.

NO penis shots. I have one and the lady and I both know what they look like. They will just get you removed from consideration.

Letter to a Fellow Cowpoke

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/251956740.html

Howdy fellow Cowpoke.

My name is Cowboy Will and I want to tell you that it's so incredibly obvious that you are the most depressed man in New York.

Few people who aren't in tears write "[After 20 years of marriage my wife just left me] - LOL!" Maybe LOL! meant something different in 1951, but in 2006 it means you're a sixteen year old girl. A few examples:

OK use of LOL!: Remember the show Even Stevens? It was like the mature Thats So Raven. LOL!

Not OK use of LOL!: Now that my wife left me, I'm middle aged, divorced, and looking for sex on the internet. LOL!

At the very least, have some standards in a new woman. Believe it or not, some attractive young ladies are into the whole successful older man thing. Act like you have options.

"But I thought maybe you've got a party going I can get into." By party, do you mean vagina? Real cowboys use the term "girlin' hole." It's more authentic, as befits our Western lifestyle. I think it may also be a Native American term that we adopted. I'm unsure.

I know it's a long and lonely trail, but worst comes to worst, take a tip from me: the buffalo can't sue you for harassment.

Later pilgrim,

Cowboy Will

Back in the saddle again - m4w - 55 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-251956740@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-21, 9:19AM EST


So 20+ years later she says the party's over - LOL! But I thought maybe you've got a party going I can get into.

Successful, generous executive with humor, intelligence, sophistication and confidence. Fit, muscular, obsessively athletic, youthful in appearance. Vigorous, virile, long-long lasting and back for still more. Dominant, in a non-fetish, safe and loving way. Creative, wicked and ravenously oral, too!

You: uninhibited and sensual.

Riders up!

What do I get grandpa for Christmas?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/251952887.html

What do you give the man who has everything? He let you sit on his lap when you were a kid, and he let you stay up at night when your parents were out of town. He told you stories about the war and tales of your parents when they were kids. How can you give to someone who has given you the world?

Gramps, who had a soft demeanor and is hung like a horse, doesn't want power tools this Christmas. He doesn't want a collection of records or CDs. He wants a female to plug, preferably a willing female. And doesn't he deserve that?

Sure, a cheap ungrateful grandkid will just tie up an unwilling male, but if you care... really care.. give gramps the gift of a woman that reminds you of your own grandmother... a willing female to plug.

He will foreplay her real good (real good!). You know when an old white male who just discovered the internet yesterday when he saw about it on Eyewitness News foreplays you just right? It'll be like that. It won't be fancy pants caressing or massaging, just regular good old beat the Japs in WWII no frills foreplaying. Anything more may outright kill gramps.

Please don't kill gramps!

Then he will break into senile mumblings, like "horny, then lets connect." It's his way of saying "I love you."

GRAMPS, 61 ,WHITE MALE ,SEEKS FEMALE ATTENTION - m4w - 61

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Reply to: pers-251952887@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-21, 9:04AM EST


i AM HUNG LIKE A HORSE AND AM LOOKING FOR WILLING FEMALE TO PLUG.
I WILL FOREPLAY YOU REAL GOOD FIRST. HORNY, THEN LETS CONNECT

Hess Trucks

http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/cas/251580651.html

It's a sign of the season. Commercials on TV start incorporating snow and Jingle Bells. Gas stations start selling Hess trucks. And CL ads start having a stretched Christmas theme.

It was awkward at Thanksgiving, and it's awkward now. Heck, it was awkward a month ago.

The author of this ad keeps reminding us he isn't Santa. Some observations:

1. Anyone that denies anything three times without ever being accused of something is probably lying. So Santa (a bisexual man in his 40s looking for sex on the internet when he has a big job to do that he should be focusing on) is probably lying to kids to prevent the trauma they'd experience if they saw a close up picture of Santa's penis clutched in his jolly hand.
2. Santa's slurring his speech. What's with the y's? Why the long pauses between words, denoted by .....'s?
   
3. Who says Ho Ho Ho during sex? That's just weird.

Not to be a Scrooge, but the North Pole is cold and when you lick cold poles, your tongue will get stuck. Try explaining that to all the kids who stay up late to see Santa come down a chimney with some dude trapped inside of his already filled pants.

Have you ever licked Santa's North Pole?????? - m4mw - 40

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Reply to: pers-251580651@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-20, 12:34PM EST


Well I'm not reallyyy Santa.......But I Do Have A Pole......And It reallyyyy needs to be licked!!!!!

Remember....Santa knows who's naughty and nice......and, yea.....I'm not reallllyyy Santa, but I'm looking for boys and girls who are both naughty and nice....

If you think you fit the bill, cumm sit on Santa's lap.....of course......I'm not reallllyyyy Santa.....But......You sure will make me go "HOHoHo"

Attention Jug Lovers

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/251565963.html

This ad begins with a bit of Euclidean logic:

you like big tits -> you will like the author

That is an amazing statement. It's not just that the author has large breasts (in fact, the author never explicitly says she has them), but that if you are in the subset of men who like big breasts (roughly 99.5-100% of straight men) then you will like the author. Even if you're a terrible misogynist, someone the author made fun of in high school, a bitter anti-American jihadist who hates the disgusting godless west, you will like the author.

It's odd that such a well-liked figure needs CL for sex. But life is odd.

It's a shame the author has a good job (aka the kind that makes you wear clothes over your breasts, as so many high powered executive jobs demand these days for reasons that escape me).

The author concludes her ad by telling you what she wants done to her breasts and then asking you to tell her what you will do to her breasts. If you know how to use the copy and paste function on your computer, you're this woman's type.

If you like big Jugs - w4m - 32

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Reply to: pers-251565963@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-20, 12:04PM EST


Just moved to New York for work from the west coast. If you like big tits (no, they are not natural) you will like me. I am educated and have a good job that requires them to be hidden during the day but at night they like to come out and play. If you want to put your cock between my tits, suck them and play with my nipples send a pic and tell me what you will do to me this weekend.

Are you some sort of brain moron?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/249378899.html

The author of this ad sets a scene. You're about to hook up with a guy. Underwear starts coming off and he wonders how "hairy" you are. I have no idea why the word hairy is in quotes. It's not slang, it's a real word.

The author then informs you that men don't like hairy women. Au contraire, mon ami! Apparently, hairy women have a "pee" smell. I wonder why. Oh yeah, maybe because the
proximity of those hairs to actual pee gives it that "pee" smell. That could be it.

The author then says that some women go through waxing, but he doesn't know why. Especially since it doesn't last forever. Instead, a far more reasonable alternative is...

Letting an older stranger off of the internet bring his razor and shave your genitalia. How is that not a much better idea than leaving this to a loved one or a professional? Oh yeah, the possibility of terrible disfigurement and the certitude of incredible weirdness. Also the fact that this is even less permanent than waxing.

If you for some odd reason trust this guy with your naked body, at least insist that he uses a condom over his razor.

When He Slide Off Your Panties Will He Like What He Sees? - m4w (Gramercy)

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Reply to: pers-249378899@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-15, 12:00PM EST


Hi,

It's a very special moment. You've wined and dined, kissed and hugged. And now it's time for real passion. It's probably the most ecstatic experience a human being can have. The first time you make love. The antipation...the adrenalin...the excitement of pleasure to come.

It can be scary too because you will be exploring each other's bodies. Touching and tasting those special places. You might have wondered how "big" he is. He might have wondered how "hairy" you are. Some women endure the pain and expense of waxing. I am not sure what the motivation behind that is, especially if it's a "Brazilian". But it must feel so incredibly sexy knowing that you look so gorgeous down there and will be irresistable.

Guys don't like really hairy crotches. They tend to have a "pee" smell and you need a machete to fight your way in there. And, even the most gorgeous waxing won't last forever. Before long that ugly stubble will grow in and spoil that "shaved" look.

Well I have had this erotic fantasy of trimming and shaving! I did it once with a woma I was in a relationship with and we had a few laughs. It's hard to do by yourself because you don't have the right angle of view. I can bring a brand new razor, electric trimmer and make you look good enough to eat.

No sex is required or expected. I am a safe, sane, fun, funny, sensual older guy with a strong libido and kinky side.

Pamper yourself and have some fun.

All kinds of denial

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/249290757.html

The author of this ad is "intentionally single." Sure, he knows that it is tough being single in a time of stress. And sure, he is so sexually desperate and in need of even the most basic forms of human contact that he's posting on the internet looking for cuddling. But he's not "horny man who is eliciting sex on the Internet." Oh no no.

"This is all so innocent," he lies to himself. Why? Well, it's only "light" making out. That entirely made-up term makes all the difference in the world.

Why is he single? "I am so busy and need to focus on work." Sure you do. Sure you do. You're not so busy that you can't go on casual encounters at 6:13 in the morning. And I'm sure reading CL won't distract you from your focus.

I actually feel bad for a woman who is about to respond to this ad and sees the requirement of smelling good. Damn, this unfortunate smelly woman would say. So close.

Seeking a cuddling/kissing partner - m4w

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Reply to: pers-249290757@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-15, 6:13AM EST


It is tough being single in a time of stress. Currently, I am busy with a demanding full time job. To make things clear, I don't want to come across as a horny man who is eliciting sex on the Internet. I am seeking someone to cuddle with and do some "light" making out. Our clothes stay on. This is all so innocent. It is like a friend with a little benefit. I used to have one but she is now in an exclusive relationship. Sounds strange but this would really help me relieve stress. I am intentionally single at this time since I am so busy and need to focus on work. But I miss those times of just cuddling with a cute friendly woman. So if this sounds like a good idea to you, please tell me about yourself. Please be sane, sweet, a good kisser, and smell good. I promise that I am pleasing and easy on the eyes...and have great lips!

I'd see a doctor first

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/248744381.html

I believe I've seen this ad before, so I think the author is one of those people who keeps wanting to go on a diet and never sticks with it.

I'm not sure the author knows what piss is. It's not grapefruit juice/in any way nutritious. Also, I don't see why you need to be good looking for her to drink your piss. Will it taste better? It is, however, medical fact that Caucasian piss tastes better. White people are practically bred for their urine.

The author prefers to drink piss with it pumped directly down her throat. Here's a problem with that: in order to go down your throat, a penis would likely have to be erect. Even if that's not the case, once a penis is in a girl's mouth, it will likely want to become erect (guess why). This makes urination very difficult. It has to do with anatomy.

For some reason, the author has a planned increase in the intake. Will she develop a tolerance or something? Will it take more piss to get her high?

Anyway, there's no payment involved. Which I guess is fair, cause I was just going to throw it out the toilet anyway.

I want to go on a piss-drinking diet. - w4m - 30 (SoHo)

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Reply to: pers-248744381@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-14, 12:47AM EST


I'd love to drink your piss. You must be very good-looking, Caucausian, healthy, and courteous. I am courteous, discrete, and have drunk piss before and love it. I prefer to drink piss with the stream from a cock directly into my mouth and straight down my throat. I want to drink piss on a regular basis -- once a day everyday for a couple of weeks, and after that, increasing the intake to two times a day or more. Will consider other activities of your choosing. No reciprocation nec. No payment involved. I'm 30, 5'9", 130, 36c, long blonde hair, brown eyes. My pictures for yours.

What Women Want

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/248697191.html

I'm no expert when it comes to women's desires. That said, this author is using some basic assumptions about what women want. They seem pretty accurate to me:

1. Women love it when you call them "older," especially if they're only 25-32. Since no woman is insecure about their age and sicne 25 year olds are over the hill anyway, this is a great tactic.
2. Women love it when you remind them that men don't find them attractive. It's not a sore subject at all to women, and bringing the subject up only makes them feel better about themselves.
3. Women enjoy it when you say you're "willing to meet up with you and spend some time with you" as if that is some sort of charity, like you're meeting up with a shut-in or spending some time at the Special Olympics. Making women feel like even seeing them is some sort of travesty that only someone desperate for money would attempt is downright romantic.
4. Women love poor guys! If you're poor, mention it. Women go nuts over it. Why do you think Donald Trump and Hugh Hefner are loners? Because they don't flaunt poverty. Smart move!
   

Unfortunately, the author doesn't understand that the gold digger gigolo game only works on way older women. Not 25. More like 75.

Not that I know from personal experience...

Work hard, Not pretty? - m4w - 24 (Downtown)

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Reply to: pers-248697191@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-13, 10:32PM EST


So heres the deal,

You are a hard working older woman (25-32), who cannot find anyone this winter to spend your free time with. You have a good paying job, work late sometimes and have everything you want financially, but just seem to be missing that spark in your life. Men you meet do not seem attracted to you. You peruse the board and have considered one of these ads many times , but never saw what you wanted.

Consider this, I will be willing to meet up with you and spend some time with you and get to know you. Sleeping with you is not out of the question, as I find older women to be more fun in the sack. I am a fun young guy who is tired of meeting these younger pretty girls that don't know where they're going and are unfortunately horrid in bed, even if they are energetic. All I ask in return is you take care of the bill. We go dancing, we have a few drinks.. the tab is on you. If I need something you will be willing to help provide. I am young and still paying off my debts, money isn't easy for me to come by at this point in time.

If this sounds like a mutually beneficial setup then send some pictures (yours will get mine) and what you would like to do. I am pretty much for anything. All I ask is you be honest with what you want as I am honest with what I do.

About me Young, Hispanic, adventurous, and waiting for you to send me a message.

There's so much more, little girl

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/247424748.html

This is one of the saddest ads I've read thus far. Its author is unsure of her own age, at first admitting she's 42 and then trying to pretend to be 41. She's scared.

Her big fantasy, her idea of trying something new, is having sex with another guy. She wants to see what it feels like. I don't have the heart to tell her that it'll probably be very much the same. Sure, people vary from person to person, some are better, some are just different. But it's not like nothing is more exciting than a different penis inside of her.

There's so much more! Making out on top of the Empire State Building, going to a swinger's party, anal, making love to a woman. There are so many more things.

If you're dying to see what's out there, don't talk online. Don't post ads. Go out to a bar or a party and talk to a stranger. I can tell you're desperate, eager to have sex as soon as a guy IMs you. It's okay, we all feel like that sometime. But in your 42/41 years and over the course of your marriage, haven't you learned that deep down, what makes life exciting isn't just replacing what you once had but instead discovering truly new joys?

When I was a kid, I went to a high school dance and met this really great girl. We dated for two years. After we broke up, I kept returning to high school dances eager to find a girl just like her. Dance after dance, I was heartbroken as the magic that happened the first time didn't happen again. But you know what? You find redemption somewhere else. And between you and me, you can do a lot better than Craigslist Casual Encounters to find it.

So, go outside! Live! Talk to strangers at the museum! Go to a hotel bar and meet midwesterners! Go to a concert! Or at least dream bigger than finding a "strange cock". There's so much more to life.

Ever want to try something new? - w4m - 42

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Reply to: pers-247424748@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-11, 3:10PM EST


Here is your chance, I'm a divorced 41 y/o, who is willing to try anything. I am new to this sort of things, but I'm sure I'll catch on. i want some excitement in my life, nothing more exciting that some strange cock in my pussy. I want to see what it feels like. Its been so long, I'm shy, but maybe if we talk online, we can get right down to having sex as soon as we meet, and am dying to see what is out there.

From the bottom of, well, not my heart...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/248087147.html

How are my bbw an ladies over 40? It's a rhetorical question, because if the author had any bbw or ladies over 40, he wouldn't need to post an ad, right? He'd just talk to them directly.

Or maybe not. The author of this ad greets his women (HI LADIES) and immediately makes two contradictory confessions.

1. He likes an older woman.
2. He is in search of an older woman.

My guess is that he has a crush on an elderly woman, but said woman got lost at the flea market or at the grocery store and, in a haze of senility, is now hopelessly lost. The author, a brave hero emboldened by love, is in search of her.

What do we know about this olde dame sans merci? She is seeking good pleasure (as opposed to...?) with no strings attach. Trust me, when you're medic-alert bracelet and IV and walker are all firmly attached to your arms, you don't want more things attach. Also, she has 2-3 years left to live, so why tie herself down?

The author then describes himself:

1. I look sexy
   
2. I have a nice size penis (large enough that even those whose sight has declined with age and has been obstructed by cataracts can see it)
   

The author hopes you give him a chance, and he means that from the bottom of his... heart?...no...he means that from the bottom of the deep strokes from my dick. I didn't know that was an expression, but I'm going to start using it.

What does he mean by deep strokes? Like when he's stroking it? So I guess the expression would go something like, "I'd never lie to you, and I mean that from the bottom of my masturbating penis." In all fairness, that's probably a more sacred bond to a guy than one sworn on the heart.

The author is not here to brag about pictures of his penis, but he's not interested in transexuals. I don't see what the first part of that sentence have to do with the second, but if I had that much blood in my penis, I wouldn't be able to form coherent sentences either.

HOW ARE MY BBW AN LADIES OVER 40 - m4w - 24

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Reply to: pers-248087147@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-12, 7:28PM EST


HI LADIES I LIKE OLDER WOMAN IM IN SEARCH OF AN OLDER WOMAN WHO IS SEEKING GOOD PLEASURE WITH NO STRINGS ATTACH.IM 5'9 BROWN SKIN DARK BROWN EYES BLACK WAVY HAIR I LOOK SEXY I HAVE A NICE SIZE PENIS.I HOPE U LIKE WHAT U SEE AN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GIVE U WHAT U NEED AN I MEAN THAT FROM THE DEEP STROKES FROM MY DICK I HAVE FACE PICS IF U WANT THEM IM NOT HERE TO BRAG ABOUT THE PICS OF MY DICK BUT IM ONLY INTERESTED IN LADIES NO TRANSEXUALS.

There's a story here...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/247861005.html

When you're on the internet, you can ask for whatever crazy bizarre sexual thing your heart desires. Yet this author, at the age of 41, seeks only the pleasures that sixteen year olds settle for. He's looking for third base.

Understandably, sex is very special to this man and he doesn't want to just do it with anyone. Women aren't objects and sex is to be treated with respect. Thus, he will finger a girl he met on casual encounters and get a hand job in his car in the Bronx.

What intrigues me is that this would have to happen in the next 90 minutes. Or what? Is his car getting reposessed at 2p? Will his penis turn back into a pumpkin? And, to go back to the earlier topic, why a hand job?

My best guess is that this is either

1. some drug deal signal: now, when I start getting a hand job, that's your cue to hand over the goods or
   
2. some sort of Jack Bauer-esque counter terrorism tactic: Call CTU, I need a hand job now. I don't have two hours, this needs to happen in 90 minutes or New York will be destroyed! Damnit, I don't have time for protocol!
   

hand job - m4w - 41

---

Reply to: pers-247861005@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-12, 12:17PM EST


I am looking for a Bronx cutie to give me a hand job in my car while I finger her. I am attractive and in good shape. This would have to happen in the next hour and a half.

Let's play!

Prego Prego!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/247597348.html

This internationally acclaimed author is new to New York. And, like many men, he want to have a date!!!!

How do we know he's really Italian? Well he greets us with "Ciao." I am both convinced and charmed. What to say? Well, he's pretty new in here. He just wants safe, helthy fun....

Oh no!... I mean... Let me rephrase...This probably came out offensive and all wrong...

Let's meet for a Coffe. Despite the fact that I thought they had Cappuccinos or Espressos in Italy, our paisan is stating a very safe and innocent desire to get to know you over coffee. Oh yeah, and then he wants to fuck all night. Even tomorrow! To even fuck tomorrow is really generous of him, so don't expect more than tomorrow.

And the best part is, "NO MONEY AT ALL!!!!" He either

1. has no money at all!!!!, which is great if you, like no women, are attracted to broke guys or
   
2. he will charge you no money at all, as his Lonely Planet guide has informed him that charging women for sex is the custom among men looking for sex on the internet.

If Europe has taught me anything, it is that the sex will be free but then he'll charge you for the condom, or something sneaky like that.

COOL ITALIAN GUY WANT TO HAVE A DATE!!!! - m4w - 33

---

Reply to: pers-247597348@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-11, 8:47PM EST


CIAO WHAT TO SAY I'M PRETTY NEW IN HERE AND I JUST WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOME SAFE HELTHY FUN.....I MEAN LET'S MEET FOR A COFFE THEN FUCK ALL NIGHT,OR EVEN TOMORROW.
I'M 33 COOL NICE BODY GOOD LOOKING.NO MONEY AT ALL!!!!

Guttertrash != Guttersluts

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/247179844.html

I am 43 years on this rock, writes the epic author of this tome. This a profound way of stating your age when you've taken more hockey pucks to the face than you've read books.

I really doubt this guy finds Britney Spears in no way attractive. If you find Jessica Simpson or Jenny McCarthy not your type, that's cool. But "in no way attractive?" This should probably be filed under m4m.

Also, if you're writing about how you don't like celebrity attractiveness, don't make your idols Steffi Graf, Rachel Griffiths, or other celebrity women whose fame is in large part due to their looks. Basically all you're saying is you like older women who don't sing. Believe it or not, older women who can't sing are far more common than Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson.

I wouldn't mind moving somewhere where Britney was the average. I hear maybe Sweden?

What is it about Britney that is insufficiently trustworthy? Does her blonde hair and soft skin suggest that she'd steal your car or something? I think any woman you meet off of the internet at 3:02am is probably the type of woman you don't want to share your PIN code with.

Do skydivers need to be in good shape? Gravity seems to do most of the work.

The author ends his ad with a collage of weird looking women, many of whom have precisely the sort of model good looks that the author claims not to like. I don't know if the author made the collage himself or if he just found a collage on the internet and said "hey, I happen to like these women!" Either way, for a guy who "works too damn much," he spends a lot of time on his computer looking at pictures of women.

Be well, Joe. Be well, sage.

Uncommon Beauty - m4w - 43

---

Reply to: pers-247179844@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-11, 3:02AM EST


No Britneys, No Jennys, No Pams, No Jessicas, No Parises, No plastic. I do not find guttertrash or corporate images of commercialized beauty to be the least bit attractive.

I do find natural beauties such as Steffi Graf, Milla Jovovich, Charlotte Gainsbourgh, Vicky Andren, Rachel Griffiths, and others of an uncommon look to personify true beauty. Softness of demeanor, trustworthyness, a strong sense of who you are and what you like, alongside a passionate comfort go much further to getting my attention than make up and artificial scents.

I am 43 years on this rock, 5'10, 155lbs, with long brown hair, hazel eyes, and a scruffy look most of the time.
I am an ice hockey goaltender, and I skydive occassionaly,so I am in pretty good shape, better shape than some 20 - 30 year olds. I smoke, don't drink but can hang in bars with no problem, and work too damn much to play games with my free time or my relationships. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than string someone along just to have someone there.If I like you I am fiercely loyal and would do anything in my power to be there for you.

So if your between the ages of 19 and 40, in shape for your body type (pot bellied skeezers need not apply, yes it matters), thin to athletic, flat chested to a small c-cup, and attractive in an uncommon sort of way, looking for someone to cuddle up with on the occassional cold winters night, or talk to till the sun comes up, then take a chance and send a pic and an e-mail. Tell me about yourself, talk like you've known me your whole life, lets see where we it goes.

below you'll see some pics of who I consider beautiful, they are just a couple of examples, and no way are they the limits.

Just be real.

Be Well,
Joe

ps- whores, sugarbabies and guttersluts also need not apply.

More matter, less art

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/246282434.html

The author of this ad attempts to parody the reminders on Channel 5 every night at 10p for parents to consider the possibility that their kids have been kidnapped. First among my many complaints about the title is that the timestamp reveals that the ad was written at 12:09. If this guy is as good at pleasing women as he is at telling time, then I don't know where your orgasm is but it's nowhere near this guy.

He describes his fantasy adultery as "oogly-woogly and yaaaah-mon." I have no idea what oogly-woogly sex entails. I think it involves fat people.

The author then uses way too many adjectives to describe the sex he wants: not-too-serious/frivolous; not too kinky/adventurous; passionate/not crazy; slightly wild/drama-free. I like that he uses semicolons (they're classy) but what does "frivolous" mean in this context? What is the difference between that and frivolous? What's the difference between passionate and crazy and slightly wild? I don't think even he knows.

He's very comfortable with women, unlike the other authors who cry or hide when women come into the room. This sounds suspect, though, as by the descriptions of sex he provides, I'm unsure if he's ever touched a woman before (despite being married). Also, his attempt at flirtation asks women to send him songs and TV shows, like he's flirting with Napster instead of looking for some gruntiful sex.

It's 11:30 -- Do You Know Where Your Orgasm Is? - m4w

---

Reply to: pers-246282434@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-09, 12:09AM EST



Summer is long gone but I'm still in heat. I'm looking for single woman who is equally smoldering, fun and hungry. I'm married, 40s, looking for something hot but fun and light and bouncy. It should be sweaty, gruntiful, lickalicious, tasty, oogly-woogly and yaaaah-mon. It should be not-too-serious, but not frivolous; mutually satisfying; not too kinky, but adventurous; passionate but not crazy; slightly wild but drama-free. I'm good-looking, in good shape, masculine, very comfortable with women. Funny and smart. Please be attractive, in shape, smart, sane and know what you want. Write a cool note, send a pic, send your favorite songs or restaurants or TV shows.

Consider it a mitzvah

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/246381726.html

This isn't even a personals ad. It's an ad to come to a fundraiser at the JCC. I'm not sure how comfortable the Jewish Community organizers are that their event will be drawing the "looking for sex on the internet" crowd. And not even the j-date crowd, either!

The author of the ad spends more time describing the concert than himself. He rattles off a fast sketch, height/weight proportionate, but then provides an entire Dead Sea scroll on the concert. I think his logic is that the concert is his biggest appeal, which says a lot of sad things about him.

Lady reading CL: Hmm..., this guy has a ten foot penis, this guy will pay me $1000, this guy is really handsome.... oh wait! free tickets to the Riverdale JCC Jewish Rock Concert! By a guy so well connected that he has free tickets!

And if you're still not willing to sleep with this guy, the Riverdale Rising Stars are performing a selection from "Footloose." If show tunes from little Jewish kids the winter before drama camp doesn't make you want to have sex with this stranger, then you've got no Hanukkah spirit.

I'm going to the Riverdale JCC Rock Concert tonight - - m4w - 39

---

Reply to: pers-246381726@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-09, 9:57AM EST


Anybody want to come with me?

I'm a fairly normal guy, height & weight proportionate, sane, just looking for a cute girl who'd like to come to this concert. My treat (ok, I have some free tix....)

Please send your clear face pic and be fun.

Thanks.



Rock Concert: Blue Fringe and Naqshon's Leap - Naqashon's Leap will open this night of Jewish rock & roll, followed by a concert by Blue Fringe (with special guest appearance by Riverdale Jewish Center's Cantor Shim Craimer). With record-breaking sales and scores of sold-out performances, Blue Fringe is fast establishing itself as America's favorite Jewish rock band. Captivating large and enthusiastic audiences of all ages across the religious spectrum throughout the U.S. and abroad, the band successfully mixes pop, rock, funk and R&B with Jewish themes that are particularly relevant today. The night will be MC'd by Riverdale's own Mason Voit and Michael Akselrad. 7PM at the Riverdale YM-YWHA. $10 for students; $15 for adults. Before the concert, at 6:30 pm, the Riverdale Rising Stars will present a selection from "Footloose."

Two birds, one stone

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/245797002.html

CL charges a small amount of money to post a job listing in NY. This dude circumvents that by posting his job offer in Casual Encounters. NY also prohibits sexual harassment. This dude circumvents that, too, by posting in Casual Encounters.

"So, Barbara, how did you get that secretary job?"
"Oh, the erotic personals. I was just looking for a threesome or someone to pee on when I saw the job listing. And I said to myself, 'Sure, tons of dudes on CL will give me money for sex, but this guy will give me the self-satisfaction of earning money through mind-expanding secretarial work'"
"Oh wow. Well, forget Monster.com"

Like all good job posts, this one was made at half past midnight. The best potential secretaries are the ones who are scouring erotic personals at that hour.

There's no quid pro quo, you don't have to do anything sexual for the job. Except he totally expects you to. Really.

He needs a confidant, someone he can trust. And who can he trust more than a woman he met off the internet who has no job? Also, someone who could sue him for sexual harassment and destroy his and his company's reputations in an instant? After fifty years, this man's sense of trust dangerously out of control.

He really needs an assistant to help him out.

I need a secretary. Really. - m4w - 50 (Midtown)

---

Reply to: pers-245797002@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-08, 12:35AM EST


Exec for private company in Midtown (5th, near library). Will have an opening for a secretary/admin assistant. A real job, will require real skills and real work. But it would be nice to hire someone attractive, friendly. Maybe more develops? Not a quid pro quo, you don't have to "do anything" to get the job. It would be exciting to know the possibility may be there. I need a close confidant, someone I can trust.

I need a secrteary. What do you need? Please send your resume, qualifications, interests to me. Let's have an interview. If you want, we can go to dinner afterwards.

How I lost my night job

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/245825383.html

....THERE....are.....PEOPLE....who....reach.....AGE.....45.....and.....CANT.....SPELL.......wurds.

The author of this ad is socially aware enough to know that there are a lot of people in their offices in New York who are phenomenally bored. The problem is that this statement is far more accurate at 1p than it is at 2:26a. What kind of people are at work at that time?

1. Emergency Room Doctors
   
2. Police Officers
3. Bartenders
4. Bus Drivers
5. Prostitutes
   

The author of the ad (after a shock of inspiration "o ya") suggests that these people take their cell phone cameras and photograph "kinky pics" of themselves and send them to this 45 year old internet loner.

"Hey, bus driver! Why are you taking pictures of your naked self on a bus?"
"Nobody here. I a lone and bord."

You need to be very very desperate for a thrill to take pictures on the spot for the benefit of some guy you know nothing about but his age. Also, if you're at work that late, you probably have an important enough job that killing time shouldn't be a priority. If you're a police officer or doctor, you may kill time by, say, saving lives or giving kids that mean "don't commit a crime" look.

At the very least, use a better quality camera than your cell phone.

.......YOUR...... AT... YOUR...desk...and... bord................... - m4w - 45

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Reply to: pers-245825383@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-08, 2:26AM EST


so your bord what to do to kill time think.o ya get your phone camera and take nude pics in your office nobody here. your a lone send kinky pics

Well this doesn't sound like date rape...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/245097203.html

The author of this ad wants to impress the ladies by saying that he has a glamorous and high-paying job. Everyone knows that women love doctors, but the author is a little more specific. He boasts that he's an anesthesiologist.

Why would you mention that?

Are you afraid that if you said "doctor," women would scoff? "Oh he's probably just a hematologist. Not worth my time!" "Ohhhhh, an anesthesiologist? Okay, now we're talking. What subspecialty?"

Worse yet, if I were a woman, maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting a stranger whose expertise is drugging people to sleep so they can get "operated" on. Especially one who notes "I can be very bad." That may just be me.

Actually, if he can be very bad, he sounds like a terrible anesthesiologist. Based on his grammar "Im a relitively be anesthesia MD in town" (Informing us that he's only an anesthesiologist relative to, say, a lawyer, inasmuch as he's a drug dealer or something) I'd guess that he got his medical degree, if any, from the type of school too crappy to even appear on facebook.

anesthesiologist looking for chat, maybe more - m4w

---

Reply to: pers-245097203@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-06, 4:31PM EST


Hello,
Im a relitively be anesthesia MD in town. Im fit and strong. I can be vey bad. If you are looking to chat and see where it can go to from there.....let me know. Im available for chat this afternoon. How about emailing me and lets chat.

T

Hello!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/245350953.html

The author of this ad is not only a nymphomaniac, she also has attention deficit disorder. What begins as a request for sex becomes:

1. disjointed facts about the author (When I'm at home alone, I divide my time between the television and the computer.)
2. ridiculous sexual ambition (I want to fuck all the good looking guys in sight without worrying about what happens next.)
3. philosophy (I'm just wondering why there's a serious lack of hard cock in my bed.)
4. a rejection of philosophy (Spare me the philosophy and fuck me silly, already!)
5. an apparent rejection of contraception (I prefer to not think about tomorrow while I'm fucking you today.)
6. a qualification to become a Navy SEAL (I've always been good at charging in where others fear to tread.)
7. a suggestion that anonymous internet sex will dramatically affect the author's life (I'm not changing my life, I'm kicking it to the curb and getting a better one.)
8. a comparison between the author and an earthquake (I'm ... the epicenter of any good party.)
9. a contradiction (I'm bored with my life right now. I need some action to break out of this rut!...In my free time I like to screw constantly.)
10. two sentence fragments (Gang fucked! rough hard and nasty!)
11. intermittent greetings (Hello!...Hey There!)
    

Any woman who wants sex this badly and can't find it in New York is either deformed or shackled to her apartment in chains.

Just looking for fun.. - w4m - 29 (Lower East Side)

---

Reply to: pers-245350953@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-07, 5:12AM EST


Just looking for fun.. no strings just a good time... I have a kinky side so don't be afraid to ask.. I'm defiantly not the girl next door..
I'm your typical wild child, the epicenter of any good party. Hello! I'm bored with my life right now. I need some action to break out of this rut! Hey there! I'm a post-feminist slut. Spare me the philosophy and fuck me silly, already! I prefer to not think about tomorrow while I'm fucking you today. I've always been good at charging in where others fear to tread. I want to fuck all the good looking guys in sight without worrying about what happens next. When I'm at home alone, I divide my time between the television and the computer. In my free time I like to screw constantly. I'm just wondering why there's a serious lack of hard cock in my bed. Feel free to drop me a line only if you're looking for some discreet fun with no strings attached. I look forward to screwing your brains out. I'm not changing my life, I'm kicking it to the curb and getting a better one. Tell one of your favorite sexual fantasies. Don't hold back!:
Gang fucked! rough hard and nasty!

The more carefully I read this, the less it makes sense

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/244514267.html

So most ads on CL are looking for sex or oral sex. A few variations exist here and there. Some just want to cuddle, some want to chat on the phone, others are into a strange sexual fetish. This is the only one I've seen that, I believe, would only last three seconds.

Upon first glance, it appears the author wants to meet a nice guy who is unlike the men she works with. How mean are these guys? Not only are they always grabbing themselves (always? what firm is this? some sort of masturbation firm?) but they are always telling the author when her mouth is open.

Bad guy: Hey Carol, your mouth is open.
Carol: Thanks!
Bad guy 2: Hey Carol, XYM
Carol: Duh! I knew my mouth was open.
Bad guy 3: Carol, I'm sorry for staring, but there's something weird about your mouth... Is it open?

But she's not looking for a nice guy to meet/date/sleep with/be quiet about her jaw disease that keeps her mouth ajar all the time. Nope, READ CAREFULLY. O>K>...

No, she wants a guy to just produce his penis, she gives it a quick kiss, and that's it. That's it!

The upside to this encounter is that the author can keep her mouth closed the entire time. No one's gonna tell her anything she doesn't want to hear.

READ CAREFULLY - w4m - 24 (Upper East Side)

---

Reply to: pers-244514267@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-05, 2:17PM EST


Hi, I have tried this once before, with no success,and frustration so read what I am looking for twice please. O>K> I am white 26, 5'4'' 120 lbs, cute. well I recently took a job with a wall street firm, where the guys are toatal jerks,always grabbing themselves and telling me if my mouths open.. and I have a fantasy of having a guy pull out his dick I grab it, lean down kiss it and thats it, I think its hot, we meet random leave after, no sex, please send a picture, I'll send one back, a picture is a must. Thanks guys

Street Theater

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/244678314.html

This is one of the more self-aware ads I've seen on CL. The author starts by "just putting himself out there" which he then does quite literally: he's putting himself on display by Columbia University for people to see and hopefully sleep with.

Maybe the author needs help understanding what a panopticon is because he misspelled it, but he has the general idea right: the city will be able to see him but he won't be able to see who out there knows about his sexual desperation.

The ad takes a turn when the author starts imagining that there will be a crowded mass of, not only women, but of imitators (guys so scared of women that they not only need this experiment to get women but they can't even post on the internet to set up the experiment, they need to hijack someone else's desperate moves). This pipe dream comes off more sad than witty because we all know nobody is showing up.

The sadness train keeps on chugging when our university student starts waxing theoretical about "the shifting of identity that occurs because of changing intent and changing levels of spectatorship" and other bullshit that I find on college syllabi trying to mask a simple and usually stupid idea behind a veneer of "oh look I'm so brilliant." I swear if he tries to consider such cliches as "the city as protagonist," I'll go to Columbia myself and show him "the unimpressed blogger as antagonist." That'll show him.

Columbia University - m4w - 24 (Harlem / Morningside)

---

Reply to: pers-244678314@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-05, 7:43PM EST


Im just going to put myself out there. Im good looking, tall, slim, intellectually curious, slightly weird and funny. I will be smoking a cigarette at the Columbia main gate. It will be a variant of the panoptican. Maybe you can explain to me what that really is. I will be there for five minutes between 8 and 830. So, the trade off is my sense of shame for your patience and warmth. Remember, though, that just as I will be on display, so will you--if you intend to make contact. Maybe other tall, slim, good-looking men will come to pose as the poster. If many show up--false posters and curious respondants both--it might become an actual event. All sorts of great idea-play can come of it too, for example: the various levels and degree of spectatorship; the shifting of identity that occurs because of changing intent and changing levels of spectatorship; the role of the auteur in the live and real-time event. In the end, though, I am not really a theorist and I dont really want to be one. I just want to meet a cutie because its cold and Im lonely.

The title says it all

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/242394300.html

The author of this ad thanks you twice for reading. I like that, it makes me feel appreciated.

The title says it all, writes the author. And since the title is ">>>>", I think it's clear what the ad is about. Either:

1. The author has a sideways Christmas tree or
   
2. The author is looking for a thatched penis or
   
3. The author is looking for someone greater than greater than greater than greater than 38 or
   
4. The author wants to play a hacked version of Pac Man where you get four lives at once

Personally, I like a game of email tag, but the author suggests that those people who go on CL with the intended purpose of email tag move on to another ad (may I suggest "((((", another self-explanatory ad). I myself sighed when I saw "NO DRAMA/BS." I guess I'm not for everybody.

I like how (no black guys) is in parenthesis after ages 35-45, as if by desiring those ages it is somehow implied that the author doesn't fancy men of that race. Maybe she's unaware that black men exist in that age group.

>>>> - w4m - 38

---

Reply to: pers-242394300@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-30, 10:21PM EST


Hi there, thanks for reading. The title says it all. Since someone on this site has nothing better to do all day but delete post, I will be more than glad to explain what it is I'm searching for. I am 5 ft 4, very fit, attractive with pics to prove it 130 lbs, and a Latina. If you want to play e-mail tag then please move on, only those real men are to reply to this ad. NO DRAMA/BS. Just looking for a sane, clean, very fit, attractive mature guy. Please have a pic to prove it. Also be between the ages 35-45 ( no black guys )and be able to host. Thanks for reading.

I'm more into postcolonial men...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/244306543.html

What is a colonial male partner? Maybe he's into S&M with subalterns. Maybe he's just really old and British.

I kind of wish I was the kind of woman for whom every one of her problems is solved by this internet gigolo. My fears about inevitable mortality, my insecurity about never getting into Harvard, my genetic predisposition towards high blood pressure. All solved!

This true gentleman is well-educated but needs to charge you to see him. Colonialism alone doesn't pay like it used to. His rates, though, are the best in town. How does he know this? Is there a big gigolo market where he/you can compare prices? He should be like Progressive Auto Insurance and quote the rate of three other gigolos to ensure you're getting the best rate.

Even if your family/boss (why the hell are you introducing your prostitute to your boss?) doesn't like this guy at first, you can mollify them by saying, "But he's a great value! You won't believe the rate I'm getting!"

If everything is included and there are no extras, I suggest really pushing that envelope. Make him hook up with another dude "for your pleasure," then tell him this fantasy you have about him cleaning the house and running errands, then lastly have him erotically go find you a guy who won't charge you to hang out with him.

Cultured Colonial Male Partner available now in Manhattan!! - m4w - 35

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Reply to: pers-244306543@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-05, 2:00AM EST


Ladies

Your problems have been solved! I'm available for weddings, business functions, dinners when your husband is out of town, revenge, whatever your hearts desire! I'm cultured, well-educated, I can talk knowledgebly on almost every subject, so your boss/auntie/colleagues will be comfortably be able to talk to me - you won't be embarrassed with me at your side.

I'm clean, d&d free, witty, charming AND a true gentleman.

And best of all, my rates are the best in town. Everything is included. There are no extras!

There's a commandment specifically addressing this

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/243983954.html

Lust is a deadly sin, but it's vague enough that you can claim that anonymous sex won't doom you to hell. But you'd need the late Johnnie Cochran to get you out of this commandment violation.

The author is totally straight. Oh, by the way, in midtown, totally = i want a dude there while i have sex with you. Straight = any male to male contact would have to be "incidental." Cause it's not gay if it's an "incident."

The author wants a laid-back atmosphere. Maybe having sex with a strange married couple isn't really conducive to laid-backedness. Neither is the business and financial capital of the Earth.

I think it's weird to want something you know nothing about. I guess I know nothing about Heaven, so why am I trying so hard to get there? Maybe I should be breaking some commandments, too.

I Want Your Wife! - m4mw - 32 (Midtown)

---

Reply to: pers-243983954@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-04, 2:08PM EST


That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? I'm ready and for real.

I've never done this before, but I've seen the postings here with couples looking for this and I'd like to try it... There's something very arousing about the idea.

I should say outright that I'm totally clean and totally straight. So I'm not interested in unsafe play and I'm not comfortable with male-to-male contact (other than incidental). Other than that, I'd say almost anything goes... I'm imagining a very sensual, steamy experience that three adults can enjoy in a sultry, yet laid back atmosphere. An experience where we all are getting what we want. After that, I don't have anything specific in mind as far as what might play out. Do you?

A little more about me: I'm 32, tall, blond, professional, in decent shape, and I've been told that I'm relatively easy on the eyes. But I think more importantly, I'm also respectful, open-minded, and DISCREET. I would ask that you be too.

How New Jersey got its reputation

http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/cas/243390869.html

Jersey girls have a bad reputation. According to the stereotype, they're whiny, superficial, and bitchy.

This 40 year old Jersey girl disproves almost none of these terrible generalizations. First, she requests sex like she was ordering at a Chinese restaurant.

Woman: I'll have the "dick in pussy" action. Could I have that with condom?

I wonder if there's a three letter word for "dick in pussy" action? Oh well, better that she spell it out in case people knew what dick in pussy action meant but not the term sex.

If you still don't understand how sex works, the author proceeds the describe it: "I throw my legs in the air, you stick your throbbing dick in my pussy and we bang away." She asks if the reader remembers how it's done, as if I'll rack my brain thinking.

How can I forget, it's oH SO REFRESHING. Like Fanta.

The author notes how horny she is, but is willing to wait until the following morning for sex. Who even knows if she'll want it by then? Based on how many times she mentions how short she wants it to be, I don't know if the self-proclaimed sex describer will even still want it or knows how unfulfilling it may just be.

Lastly, NJ girls tend to be stuck up. A not skinny woman in her mid 40's who calls herself HOT may just fit that bill as well. Especially when, in the middle of the ad, she tells guys to please read the ad. She's picking a fight already. Well, I guess that's the tough attitude you need to survive in the Garden State.

Need 8 inches - w4m

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Reply to: pers-243390869@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-03, 7:48AM EST


attractive light skinned black lady, wants some quick "dick in pussy" action (with condom)..available Monday am only anytime between 6 am and 9..age, race no preference. Guys I only want a... quick fuck..10-15 minutes..I throw my legs in the air, you stick your throbbing dick in my pussy and we bang away .....remember how that's done? oH SO REFRESHING...for a "quick" pick me up....SERIOUS?..if so send pics.include age & height for response. will not be back to computer until late this evening (Sunday), leave info..you will not be sorry..and I hope I wont either...I am horny and need to fuck....stay up (midnight or so for me to respond) will exchange pic if chosen. I am 5'9, 155 lbs, mid 40's and HOT. GUYS, please read ad. short window of time. No long emails, if QUALIFIED AND aVAIALBLE "MY STATED time frame, leave #. This is a QUICKIE date (that could be on-going..if we hit it off)

Why they invented punctuation

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/243802244.html

This ad is very concise. Before any word is written, the author has communicated his age, height, and weight. Four words later we know that he is Italian and that he is looking for women with big penises.

This is the anonymous sex ad that William Strunk would write if he were still alive, but for a lack of punctuation.

Without it, the ad could mean any one of the following:

1. i love, too. please cum too my condo. very clean. u should be too thick. women a plus! i have pics
   
2. i love too please. cum too. my condo very clean. u should be too. thick women a. plus i have pics
   
3. i love, too. please cum, too! [a request that you make yourself about as clean as this man's condo] [the fact that, if he were giving grades on the standard American letter based academic grading system, women who are fat would get an A+] [the fact that the author has pictures of himself]
   

30 6'1 180#'s italian for women wellhung - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-243802244@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-04, 6:55AM EST


i love too please cum too my condo very clean u should be too thick women a plus i have pics

Maybe the Angels in Heaven

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/243511624.html

This post asks a question that I often ask when I discover used tissues that don't belong to me in the corral wastebasket: Who else is masturbating?

Sure, many people are busy imagining sex, but not me. I'm wondering about all the other people in the world who are doing the same thing I am at that exact moment. It's actually kind of a peaceful thought, like I'm one with a lonely universe.

This guy takes it a step further. He wants to hear from everyone else who is masturbating. Don't stop, type with one hand and continue with the other. Otherwise, you're technically lying. The author wants to get together, maybe for some sort of discussion group/nascent political party.

who else is masturbating - m4w - 40

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Reply to: pers-243511624@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-03, 2:34PM EST


let's talk, maybe get together

Bong. James Bong.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/243523535.html

I don't think this guy has ever even seen a Bond film. He writes, ""and as every bond movie let s go back to the room and have fun." What Bond film is that? The one where Bond is a teenager who buys his first copy of Hustler and 'goes back to his room to have fun?' The real Bond doesn't go back to his room after a movie to have fun. The real Bond has sex with women who tried to kill him in big factories or on ships. Other ways in which this dude differs from Agent 007:

1. James Bond would rather die than be French
2. I don't think Bond smokes up, thus no need for a bong girl
3. I missed the movie where Bond sits by his computer all night waiting to meet girls on the internet, using the pickup line "I live alone."
   

james bond looking for james bong girl - m4w - 30 (Upper East Side)

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Reply to: pers-243523535@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-03, 3:04PM EST


let s go and see the movie
dress sexy
and as every bond movie let s go back to the room and have fun

Just want to get in touch with you to see if you want to do something
I live alone UES, 30 old French photographer
Email me back if you want to know more about me

Modesty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/241126551.html

The author of this ad boasts a list of ten great things about himself. The last one is the fact that he is "NOT FULL OF [HIMSELF]." Not bad for a man who claims that he's 165 pounds of sexy.

He's also intelligent. Albert Einstein once posted on CL, and his ad was also entirely in caps with spelling errors, and mentioned that he wanted a relationship based entirely on sex outside of his actual relationship with a women of any age that he meets off the internet. However, like Einstein, the author was not intelligent enough to acquire a digital picture of himself. He's not George Eastman or something.

It's that humility that makes him offer himself for free. Men this sexy and well-dressed are usually on the market for thousands of dollars. Not the author. He's so humble, he begs you not to miss your chanse. He knows he'll get snapped up quickly. Especially since he's opened himself to all women, like Jesus who died for all men.

He doesn't have pics, but this bashful soul who has earned our trust confirms that you won't regret your decision to sleep with him.

He even called you sweetheart.

FREE FOR ALL WOMEN DON'T MISS YOUR CHANSE - m4w - 23

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Reply to: pers-241126551@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-28, 1:24PM EST


5'9,165 PDS OF SEXY,HANDSOME,CUTE,CHARMING,INTELLIGENT,DOMINANT,ATHLETIC,CLEAN,GOOD DRESSER,NOT FULL OF MYSELF.I'M HISPANIC(PUERTO RICAN),LIGHT SKIN,TATOO RIGHT ARM,LONG BRWN HAIR,BRWN EYES.LOOKING FOR A WOMEN DOESN'T MATTER THE AGE OR ETHNICITY. JUST LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON SEX,I ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. IF YOUR COOL WITH THAT THEN DROP AN EMAIL AND WE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE.

P.S. DON'T HAVE PICS BUT TRUST ME SWEETHEART YOU WONT REGRET IT.

Can you read the title of the post out loud, please?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/240897538.html

I'd imagine one of the hardest parts about posting on CL is trying to find an appropriate title for your ad. "Bored" is a popular and descriptive one. "Horny" or "SWM for BBW" all tell us something about the author and his/her/their preferences.

What makes someone sit at their desk, shortly before Leno, and say, "I know!" What makes them hit the caps lock and write, "HOT COCK." What makes them pause, and then continue, "HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK." What makes them write it just one more time?

"That's what you want, right?" Asks the author. If there was a chance that you didn't know what "it" referred to, he clarifies the ambiguity: "to have... sex with a stud who has a big cock."

He can make you orgasm without taking your pants off. If this is true, it assumes either:

a) The very HOT COCK that was the very centerpiece of his campaign is entirely irrelevant
b) He will cut a hole in your pants with scissors

He puts NO DISEASES in caps. Unlike "no bi-men," he's serious about that one. Just as serious as he was about his HOT COCK. And, by the way, if he feels like his cock is really hot and burning, maybe it's a little too late to worry about not making a trip to a clinic.

HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK HOT COCK - m4w - 29 (Midtown)

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Reply to: pers-240897538@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-27, 11:27PM EST


That's what you want, right? To have hot NSA sex with a stud who has a big cock.

So here's what else I have to offer - tall, athletic, single, d/d free, degreed, intelligent, funny, hung... oh and I can go all night and can make you cum without even taking your pants off.

You -- female. couples ok, no bi-men. Fun in bed. I'm in shape, expect similar. Curves OK, no BBWs though. DISEASE FREE. That's right, I don't want a trip to the clinic either.

Send your pic and your fantasy/kinks. I have mine, let's make them happen.

Medium Intensity Sex.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/240936774.html

Do you know what imma do? Imma gonna tell you.

Imma break the rubber. And you are gonna love it, baby.

This dude actually talks like that.

Are you the kind of girl who knows that, if you have sex with strangers from the internet, that maybe a condom is a good idea, and yet lets Imma McGrammar break it anyway because you "are secretly in love with the idea of feeling the warm rush of sperm filling you," then you are this dude's kind of girl.

That's a very specific kind. I don't know if you want to be that kind. I think the STD, pregnancy, and mental retardation rates among that kind of girl is somewhere around 80%.

In other news, no holding back and no pulling out = maximum intensity sex! Can you handle it?

I haven't held back or pulled out in most of the sex I've had, and to be honest, there must be more intensity possible in sex. I think, at best, he's describing medium intensity sex. Maybe if...

1) He were some sort of nano-technology-enhanced superman, like I saw having sex once in an episode of The Outer Limits
2) His sperm travelled at such incredible speed that they became either pure light or pure energy (I'm unsure how relativity works, so I'll give you credit for either).
3) The chick exploded

Imma break the rubber - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-240936774@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-28, 1:26AM EST


...and you are gonna love it, baby.

You are secretly in love with the idea of feeling the warm rush of sperm filling you, even though your rational side makes you tell your lovers to put on a condom.

Is this you? Then you are my kind of girl.

What do I have to offer? A thick 8 to put somewhere oh-so-tight, a promise to lick before I stick, the stamina to ride long and hard.

No holding back, no pulling out - maximum intensity sex! Can you handle it? One night only, as many rounds shot in you as you want. Pic for pic.

The new Tintern Abbey

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/240259687.html

Hi there, greets the author. But he is not just welcoming us into the ad. Nor is he bringing us into his world, 21st century Astoria. The author is taking us into a metaphysical and spiritual journey inspired by life in a monument to life and the hereafter. What Tintern Abbey was to Wordsworth, the Shore Towers are to this great poet.

His epic begins with the classic line, "I heard that theres alot of whores in this building..."

First, notice his use of multiple elipses. It's as if the entire poem and even its title are being mumbled incoherently to us. It captures the feel of desperation and insanity that permeates the air in Queens.

The author muses on buying an apartment in the Shore Towers. Why? "...so i can hook up with [the whores]"

However it's here that the author has a change of heart. He rebels against the traditional line of thinking, the conservative pro-Bush pro-Iraq War pro-fear agenda that says "move to where the whores are." It's here that he breaks with his entire culture and begins what I think is a societal revolution.

He writes, "i would rather.....stay where i am......and bang them all anyway"

Genius! The use of pause, the unexpected twist, the notion that there is a false dichotomy between moving and not banging whores. It breaks down the very structure of what constitutes an ad. After all, he doesn't even say he wants women to reply and have sex with him. He describes neither the type of woman he wants nor himself. No one would possibly respond to this ad...and yet...i believe... by reading the ad....we have already responded to it! This may be the very work that brings the change needed in our society to bring down all inequality and turn us into a community of pure radiant love.

The poem ends in what many would call a question, but what I would describe as "a call." He asks, "whore r u?"

This could be read both as "Where are you?" calling out towards the iconic "whore who lives in this apartment building" and asking her to identify where she is so the author can bang her and as "whore are you?" asking the reader if she herself may also be a whore, like the ladies of Astoria.

I see the day when tour groups by the hundreds descend upon the ruins of the Shore Towers to search for the same inspiration that guided this genius to produce such a work of art.

Hi there........Shore Towers ....Astoria - m4w - 35

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Reply to: pers-240259687@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-26, 8:00PM EST


I heard that theres alot of whores in this building.......
and that i should buy an apt. there......so i can hook up with them
i would rather......stay where i am......and bang them all anyway
whore r u?

Red Haeds are Sexy!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/240402922.html

I like red head. Sorry.

The author if this ad, in his forty years of life, love, and no spelling lessons, has had all of the other colors in the Crayola box. He's slept with Magenta heads, with blondes, with Turqouisettes, and determined that red is the best. His apologies to those women whose hair colors deny them the opportunity to mate with this rare specimen of a man: well aged, single, educated, and in Queens.

Believe it or not, the author is not looking for a girl friend. He is just looking for a woman who has the same needs that he has. They are (based on his punctuation):

1. horny sexy love sex and maybe not getting enough (i feel that this one is a little ambiguous and/or is actually four requirements)
   
2. not looking to be tied down (ambiguous: a restatement of his desire for a no-strings situation or a preference for women who aren't into bondage?)
   
3. looking to have fun in bed (who's looking for ennui?)

The author is open/mined, which means that he is exposed and barren after men with pick-axes ripped out all of the natural resources buried beneath the soil of his skin. Some women are into that.

Ladies, please stop bye and say Hello' to this man. THINK YOU! (What I love about the ad is that he implores you to stop and think, quite the welcome dose of intellectualism in an otherwise crass website).

NATURAL RED HAED ONLY - m4w - 40

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Reply to: pers-240402922@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-27, 3:04AM EST


I like red head,Sorry I've had all the other colors and red is the best.Not looking for a girl friend just a woman who may have the same needs i have and that is.you are horny sexy love sex and maybe not getting enough.not looking to be tied down,looking to have fun in bed.im easy going open/mined DD SMOKE FREE 5'11 170 Brown hair & eyes 7inch cock. and very creative in & out of bed.Please no pro's I dont want to sign up at some porn site to see your pic's.If your out there & your intrested stop bye and say Hello' your photo gets mine.... THINK YOU

Lesbian Frank McCourt

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/240024100.html

I don't know if you've ever been to the Bronx, and if you're a Master of the Universe then you probably haven't, you know that folks there speak with Irish slang. This is the environment from which Tis my Tasty was born. Tis means it is and tasty, from the context of the ad, I guess means vagina. Thus, in American English, the title would be "It is my Vagina." The subtitle would be "But I will share it with you."

The ad begins with a commentary on the state of contemporary affairs: It should be much more simple (simpler?) than it has been. True!

After a reasonable request for women to hook up with the author, she clarifies: we simply take care of each other in that way. I don't see what this adds to her previous request, but it makes it sound like finding a chick to make out with on the internet is some sort of community building effort.

The author has no time for men. However, she has time for women. A lot of bi women only date women because men take up too much time in general. It takes forever for men to orgasm, to go to the bathroom, for them to get off of their period, to get dressed and put on makeup. It's an understandable yet unfortunate situation.

Tis my Tasty - w4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-240024100@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-26, 10:26AM EST


It should be much more simple than it has been. Any single women in the area interested in hooking up? We simply take care of each other in that way. I'm attractive, clean and dd free. I am bi but have no time for men. I want to just get together with my homegirls and make mouth happy. So, holla if you hear me. Please reply with pics and I will do the same.

The mentally deranged need love, too

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/238966749.html

This post is a salad of ALL CAPS, numericals, and the equals sign.

The author is look 4 a submissive woman. How old? Well, 18== up. I'm guessing he's a Java or C programmer and is using the == boolean test to establish whether his woman's age is equal to the age of his preference. Either that or he's just weird.

Hello there, he begins, you will see my pix. And sure enough, you see his pix below the post. The prophesy is fulfilled. The pix that he encloses are, from upper left to lower right: a picture of the Pink Panther (with a caucasian human penis grafted on) having sex with Minnie Mouse, a picture of the author passed out on a bed holding his erect self, a picture of the author performing oral sex on a woman who subscribes to a religion that prohibits the use of razors, and the insides of a black woman (if you zoom in, you can actually see her pancreas). Think for a moment: this man purposefully chose these four pictures to advertise himself. He expresses through collage what words can only begin to state: he is some sort of weirdo.

If your look 4 a good man, this is the author. In case you are color blind (and if so, why would you care?), he is a white man. He puts the words ME in all caps when declaring that race is unimportant to him. I think it shows that while he is not a racist, he can still be a bad person by being egocentric.

If your looking to meet up 4 some fun sex? Good. We can meet up.

Lots of women enjoy Receiving Oral Sex (proper noun), Toys, and then being fuck. But the author insists that the woman who he encounters enjoy those things in that order. Come on, ladies, it's just common sense.

When the author began writing his ad, he was in the Bronx (thus the ad being filed in the Bronx section). But now, as of the middle of the ad, he is in westchester. This man is on the move. You better respond quickly before he magically quantum leaps somewhere (somewhen?) else.

If he likes you, you can cum on over. Where and for what, you ask? He recognizes the ambiguity in "you can cum on over," especially given the unclear context of his ad. He clarifies: to his house to get off.

I AM LOOK 4 A SUBMISSIVE WOMAN 18== up - m4w - 48

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Reply to: pers-238966749@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-23, 1:46PM EST


hello there you will see my pix . if your look 4 a good man this is me am a white man, 48 years of of age, drug free, disease free. race and is not important 2 ME . ===I AM LOOKING 4 SUBMISSIVE WOMAN.==== 18 & UP =if your looking to meet up 4 some fun sex ? good we can meet up .no strings .I AM looking 4 a woman that loves Receiving Oral Sex, Toys and THEN being fuck . I AM LOOKING 4 WOMAN THAT LIKE 2 HAVE MY DICK rub all over them . I AM LOOKING 4 THE WOMAN THAT LIKE TO BE FUCK GOOD . I AM THE MAN 4 YOU /// we can have fun. NOW I AM IN westchester . IF YOU LIKE TO MEET UP THEN YOU NEED TO EMAIL ME . AND YOU NEED A PIX OF YOU . TELL WHAT YOU LIKE .WOMEN THAT R 18 & UP THEN YOU CAN CUM ON OVER . TO MY HOME AND GET OFF

This is why I'm not an environmentalist

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/238637635.html

I was intrigued by the title of this ad. What could this gentleman possibly mean?

It seems a lot of women have difficulty recycling their Thanksgiving meal. If only turkey fit into the narrow definitions of "paper" "plastic" or "alumnium." What if your turkey is made of plastic, but stuffed with aluminum? With a glass glaze? How do you recycle it then?

This dude will help. He will eat your meal after you have eaten it. He will eat it, not from the dinner table, but "straight from your ass" (bypassing any tricky middlemen).

My problem is this: "This way I get to enjoy the same feast you did just a day later." Somehow I think it's not exactly the same feast. But I may be just pulling that out of my ass.

Also, that assumes that you don't relieve yourself at all Thurday night. In all likelihood, this dude will be helping you recycle your Friday morning Egg McMuffin. But then again, every little bit of recycling helps Mother Earth.

Recycle your Thanksgiving Meal Ladies - m4w

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Reply to: pers-238637635@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-22, 3:29PM EST


Id love help you recycle your Thursday meal. You spend Thursday feasting on your thanksgiving meal. Then Friday you feed me your recycled meal straight from your ass. This way I get to enjoy the same feast you did just a day later. Any takers ladies.

A very strange meeting

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Do you know what I'm sick of?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/239482248.html

The author of this ad claims to have issues. I have no idea what he means. He starts off in a very caring and gentle manner, as well as being up front about his own personal limitations and insecurities.

My only concern is how he could possibly fist a woman and piss in her mouth simultaneously. Maybe he's some sort of gymnast? Maybe he just has really good aim and a phenomenal sense of concentration. Or maybe he has some sort of heat-seeking urine, engineered by the government to piss off terrorists. Oh man that would be so cool/lukewarm!

Also, he claims not to give a shit. Yet, he is sick of the bullshit. He seems to be conflicted in his attitudes towards shit. The author is quite a deep character, and I think that's an attractive quality.

I think any woman would be lucky to meet up with this 39-year old angry loner from Long Island who has offered no description of himself whatsoever, if only to experience his warmth, his generosity towards women, and the possibility of cumming like a fountain (I had no idea fountains could even orgasm).

SICK OF THE BULLSHIT - m4w - 39

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Reply to: pers-239482248@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-11-24, 10:06PM EST


YES I HAVE ISSUES. SO WHAT. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. IF YOU WANT IT TOO GREAT IF NOT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. SO IF ANY OF YOU CUNTS WANT ALL THREE HOLES USED THIS WEEKEND CAPPED OFF WITH MY FIST UP YOUR TWAT WHILE I PISS IN YOUR MOUTH THEN SEND YOU HOME LIKE A GOOD WHORE GET BACK TO ME. EVERYONE ELSE FUCK OFF. AND NO MEN!!! LET ME FUCK YOU LIKE I HATE YOU AND SEE IF YOU DON'T CUM LIKE A FOUNTAIN.