Maybe I am a Jerk

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/520061763.html

The author of this ad doesn't know why the women he dates leave him after a few weeks. He's open to the possibility that he's a jerk, but doubts it. If telling a girl before you meet her that her "mouth, pussy, and ass are for my cock and that I do things that may hurt a little, but that you must learn to love" even when she doesn't want to those things, then maybe you should revisit that "jerk" idea.

But don't listen to me, I'm not silencingly brilliant. Which I guess means when this guys speaks no one wants to respond. Which may not be brilliance after all, right?

Also, he wants women who contain. Contain what? Themselves?

Prolonged, nasty email exchange - m4w - 29 (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: pers-520061763@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-26, 7:02PM EST


I don't live in New York, or on the upper west side either, but I did once and am moving back in the summer. In the meantime, I'd like to pursue a written relationship with a sophisticated woman that might, in the future, be open to meeting, but who understands the pleasures of the imagination - pleasure that you can only get through explicit, honest communication.

Let's see - about me. I'm silencingly funny, brilliant, well-traveled, of approximately average looks, 5 foot 8, in good shape, masculine, well endowed with a voracious sexual apatite that not many women can match. Where I am living, it's hard for me to find a matching set of interests in terms of literature, cinema, and world knowledge. Sex is not that much of a problem, but communication seems to be. Nothing lasts longer than several weeks. Maybe this is because I am a jerk, but I don't think so.

About you - intelligent, expansive, possessing not that specialized geek mind intent on letting everyone know about what's going on on the inside at all moments, but a mind capable of abstraction and language play, that can discuss the common matters, but that can also take certain things as implicit. Be hight weight proportionate. No exercise fanatics wanted, and absolutely no dietary obsessive types. I love average looking, healthy, feminine women who contain.

About sex - You are open for me at all times. This means even if you don't feel like it, you understand that you are for me. Your mouth, pussy, and ass are for my cock and that I do things that may hurt a little, but that you must learn to love. The greatest thrill is understanding that you will learn to love them and that there is nothing you can do about it. You give yourself over to me entirely sexually, while your brilliant mind remains independent. You wait for me. You hunger to take whatever I give. You hunger to wait.

Wanted: For Humping

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/505981478.html

The title for this ad is, I think, written like an old time western wanted poster, as if maybe the author wants a hump dead or alive. I like to think of myself as a good lover, but I've never really thought of myself as a good hump.

There's probably a good camel joke to be made as well, but it's not necessary.

A good place to start any male-female friendship is a blow job, but I don't know of any British-spelled theatres in New York.

wanted guy who is a good hump - w4m - 22 (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: pers-505981478@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-11, 1:40PM EST


Do you like a good adrenaline rush? I want to find a guy adventureous enough to have sex in a public place. I always thought a good place to start would be me giving you a blow job at a movie theatre. If you're up to it, email me!

Tears of Joy

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/504847603.html

This 18 year old model (who thought she was 22 when she made the subject line for her ad) can command anything... but her emotions. Her body is "really super tight and sexy," she's a model and has sexiness, she's good in bed.... so why is she on the internet looking for sex? Hmmm...

I think this is one of the rare examples where an author should mention her major flaw (the sex-crying) instead of just keeping it to herself. This way we know why she's here. (even though it's obvious from the age discrepancy that this ad is fake)

Oh, and nothing's sexier than "Please email with pictures of your package!"

I cry alot but I am good in bed - w4m - 22

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Reply to: pers-504847603@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-10, 1:47PM EST


Hi, commanding 18 year old model lookin for interesting companion for nsa sex. I just wanna have fun with the right guy. I like erotic dancing for a great guy that can appreciate my sexiness. I work out all the time so my body is really super tight and sexy.Please email with pictures of your package!

Staten Island

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/cas/443781288.html

Hey y'all. Why people be making fun of Staten Island? Just cuz we pregnant and looking 4 oral on the internet doesn't mean we trash... husband out till next friday with some ho.

pregnant & looking - w4m - 22

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Reply to: pers-443781288@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-08, 8:02PM EDT


hey ya'll im pregnant and looking for someone 4 oral.. if this is your fantasy let me be yours... husband out till next friday

Watersports

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/419329993.html

The author of this ad considers "takin' a piss on a girl" to be a watersport, like polo or swimming. I guess it's appropriate that the champion in that sport get a golden medal.

Seriously, what woman doesn't want to be referred to as "toilet girl"? Who knows how many love songs have been written about the toilet girl, who looked as good as she smelled.

This toilet girl is also into virtual play. Because if there's anything weirder than pissing on a stranger, it's cyberpissing on a stranger.

CWBYWLL: Ohhh, my warm piss is arching upwards into the air
TOYLETGURL4: Oh, I feel it on me. It feels so warm
CWBYWLL: Oh yeah, it's splashing back on me.
CWBYWLL: Oh, no, I'm almost done!
TOYLETGURL4: Oh baby, I'm so wet.

This girl wants to hear the nastiest fantasies of strangers on the internet. I think she's handling the nasty fantasy situation just fine on her own. Personally, I can't be with a slutty girl like this. At best, I'd put one of those plastic toilet seat covers on her face first. Who knows who else has been there?

toilet girl - w4m - 24

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Reply to: pers-419329993@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-10, 11:54PM EDT


Any guyz into watersports...takin' a piss on a girl? Would love to hear your stories and what turns you on. 24 y/o female looking to be used or maybe some virtual play. Hardcore and dominant males only, who really get off on this type of thing. Would love to hear your nastiest fantasy.

Dialogue

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/418368311.html, http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/418397202.html, http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/418387304.html and http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/418407784.html.

As there is in any public forum, there is debate on CAS. In the first post, a heavy tattooed woman posted an ad with naked pictures, asking for sex. She also posted a fairly lengthy list of requirements.

A reader responded with an angry post, criticizing the original author for stringent requirements despite fairly homely looks.

Another reader responded by saying that the original author is good looking in her own way and that it is unnecessarily mean for a person to criticize someone for being honest with who they are and what they want.

Finally a fourth reader greeted the debaters with the word "hay." He then began his contribution to the discussion as if he were writing a for...next statement. His drunken ramblings began "For I'm a big guy chubby." For what? For six words later, he retracts his statement and then adjusts it, "okay fat." He immediately defends himself "but with 11 inches ."
Already the reader is wondering, "What the hell?" And the author himself adds "what the hell."

But then the reader says what I'm sure many drunk and lonely guys were thinking: "I would hit that she look good to me she's not ugly."

Then he gets all racial: "Stop it then when the white chicks look for us black dude to service them you start that old bullshit stop it" I dont think the original ad mentioned black dudes. In fact, she limited her search to whites and Hispanics only. But somehow that old bullshit got started. And I join in this man of the people in saying it should stop. Hay now.

Looking for some fun tonight - w4m - 32

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Reply to: pers-418368311@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-09, 11:08PM EDT


I am a 32 year old woman in Brooklyn looking for a younger man between 21 and 28 years or to have some fun tonight. I am really horny and need someone that can last a few hours. You must be in excellent shape, good looking, well endowed with a lot of energy. I prefer clean shaven guys with either white or light skinned hispanic. Please respond with a picture if interested and fit the requirements.

Re: Looking for some fun tonight - w4m - 32 - w4m - 32

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Reply to: pers-418387304@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-09, 11:38PM EDT


1. LOL

2. So you're looking for someone in EXCELLENT SHAPE.... while you're at least 50-70 lbs over weight?

3. LOL!

4. You're looking for someone good looking.... while you look like that???????

5. LOL!!!

6. You want someone well endowed... why would someone good looking, in excellent shape, and well endowed want to waste their energy on a fat, ugly, monster?

7. LOLLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

8. Fit the requirements????? .... you should try fitting into your own league sweety. You're really really reaching with your post.

9. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Get Real

Re: Looking for fun tonight - 32 - w4m

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Reply to: pers-418397202@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-09, 11:55PM EDT


Wow, you're an insensitive dick dude. I think she looks fine and I happen to like that body type and she has the right to look for whatever she wants. If you're so fucking hot and great, then why are you at home putting up lame ass mean shit on CL instead of going out and being the best stud you can be? As for me, I'm just chilling tonight, however for you...

Answer: Maybe it's cause you're an asshole.

Re:Re: Looking for fun tonight - 32 - w4m - m4w - 38

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Reply to: pers-418407784@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-10, 12:14AM EDT


hay,
For I'm a big guy chubby okay fat but with 11 inches what the hell I would hit that she look good to me she's not ugly. Stop it then when the white chicks look for us black dude to service them you start that old bullshit stop it

IThink Ur Weird?Xtra Weird

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/414131252.html

The author of this ad likes abbreviating. She replaces "Extra" with "Xtra" and "You" with "U". She even just takes out spaces when she feels they're not necessary. I wish this was the weirdest part of the ad. It's not.

This woman is not only turned on by a large, hairy ass, but is turned on by people who try desperately to lose weight and are frustrated and unable to do so. A soup of your fat, hair and sad failure is her aphrodisiac. In the only full and complete sentence in her ad, she asks you if you feel like you are the victim of a supernatural curse causing your ass to stay fat. Only if you are so angry and distraught that you've considered that demons are ruining your ass will this woman be into you.

Also she likes butt sniffing.

She describes herself as normal. And the fact is, she may as well be. Predicting what women want is a difficult if not impossible process. I'm sure this woman is totally normal-seeming in real life and there are dozens of nice dudes trying to win her affections. And they're failing and beating themselves up for it. And little do they know that they don't have a chance because predicting what any given woman wants is like predicting the stock market. There are general trends, but if anyone was even remotely reliably accurate at it, they'd be a billionaire.

UHave Tree Trunk Thighs?Xtra Junk In Ur Trunk? Hairy Lower Body? - w4m - 29

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Reply to: pers-414131252@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-04, 10:24PM EDT


Do you feel like you have a curse? You can not lose weight in your ass and thighs no matter what you do? I think it's hot. A guy who is fit up top with huge thighs and a chunky hairy butt, size 34", 36", 38" waist. Into butt sniffing and worship. Safe, serious. My fetish is weird but I am good looking, normal.

I lots of things

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/412867406.html

The author of this ad writes like I speak when I'm really really drunk. And if the author is drunk, that's impressive for 2:25pm.

Then again, it is Labor Day. Maybe she was at a picnic, had some beers in the yard, and then came inside to go find sex on the internet. If that's not the purpose of a federal holiday, then what is?

The author starts listing generic adjectives that apply to her (and a verb?), including "and many more." As if maybe we thought she gave us an exhaustive list and would be stunned to discover that those six words didn't sum her up entirely as a person.

She then lists such unique interests as "sports", "sex", and "going out to dinner". She's one in a million, I tell you.

But maybe that the essence of Labor Day. It's a day of the masses. A day when the faceless millions from the Long Islands of the country get to stop being cogs in an industrial machine and get to get drunk in the afternoon and be fabulously ordinary and search for whatever flirtatious and sexual release they can get before it's time to go back to work.

do u got what i'm lookin for - w4m - 21

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Reply to: pers-412867406@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-03, 2:25PM EDT


Hey Guys, How everybody doing? I hope you enjoying the weekend. Well I'm brown skin, dark brown eyes, 57, weight 170. I'm funny, outgoing, understand, blunt person, aggressive, and many more. I'm into sports, movies, sex, traveling, going out to dinner, movies, bowling, reading, listen to music, and many others. Well I'm looking for that right guy that I can talk too, hang out with, and do others thing with. A guy who is respectful, no kids, don't smoke, live by his self, knows how to dress, and treat a women. The ages are 22 and up.

Me Pretty One Day

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/409685173.html

Most of the author's friends say she has a good personality. Such an unbiased non-self-selecting pool has to be accurate! True friends would tell you, "You suck to be around and are a terrible person."

Then again, if your friends actually tell you "You have a good personality," that may just be code for "You're ugly."

The author of this ad demonstrates a mastery of second grade writing skills. She uses the following complex sentences:

1. Im looking for some fun times.
   
2. I am a nice looking girl with a pretty face.
   
3. I have nice tits and loved to have them sucked on.
   
4. I love to give oral to a man I am good at it too!
   
5. I am an attractive woman.
   
6. I have red hair.
   
7. My breasts are size 42B and I am 5'7 tall.
   
8. I live in Westchester.
   

Each of these sentences has a subject, a verb, often an adjective, and not much else. It's as if this was a sample sex ad from an introductory textbook from some "English for Casual Encounters" class.

Either that or this 22 year old has let her kid write the ad for her.

sexy single looking for casual sex - w4m - 22

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Reply to: pers-409685173@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-30, 8:40AM EDT


Most of my friends say that i have a good personality and fun to be around. Im looking for some fun times. I am a nice looking girl with a pretty face. I have nice tits and loved to have them sucked on. I love to give oral to a man I am good at it too! I am an attractive woman. I have red hair. My breasts are size 42B and I am 5'7 tall. I live in Westchester. Not really looking for a relationship but if it happens then for sure ill go for it! Well I hope to hear from you soon.

A River in Egypt

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/409445324.html

There's a scene in Les Mis where Fantine begins her life as a prostitute. Like many women who fall into a life in the sex trade, she feels like she doesn't belong. She's too good to be selling herself. The other women encourage her (which is strange in a competitive marketplace), telling her that they all feel that way at first. "You're no grander than the rest of us," one woman notes.

That is a scary thought.

One too scary for this author. He deludes himself into thinking that he's the one lonely, horny, but otherwise not bizarre guy who has turned to CL to get a woman. While there are a few crazies out there, (see: rest of this blog) CL is populated by an army of guys as normal and lonely and desperate as he. And with gigantic photographed penises.

The other sad delusion he's buying is that there's some perfectly normal attractive girl reading and responding to guy's ads, looking for that one normal guy. The truth is that, like a shirt in an outlet store, every woman on CL is there for a reason. No one is "too good."

Also, Yahoo IM? Who uses that? That's just weird.

We're too good for this. A Safe but Stimulating Adventure -- Yahoo IM - m4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-409445324@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-29, 9:46PM EDT


Okay, you know who you are. You're too successful or normal to be reading CL. Or you're attached or semi-attached. You're attractive, educated, well-employed. Maybe you're between relationships. Maybe you're just bored or curious.

You're definitely horny. Or looking for something.

I'm in the same boat. Reading CL is a guilty pleasure -- only. If only to see what anonymity brings out in people. Athletic, attractive, employed -- and too single for whatever reason.

Tonight I'm curious -- and sure, horny. What is it like to chat with a complete stranger? Or to see if you can conjure that crazy rush? What do you really want when no one will know?

Chat with me, Too Good for Craigslist Girl. Why not?

It's safe -- I promise I won't meet you.

But it could be fun.

-- Too Good for Craigslist Guy

How I Met Your Mother

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/407781536.html

Hey Dad, tell us the story of how you met mom.

Well, gather round, kids. I always told your mom, she had me at "I am a complete whore." It all started when I read her online personal ad, posted at a little before midnight on a Monday. Sure I coulda gone for Not Your Average SWF or looking for my best friend, but my eyes drifted towards Stupid slut looking to be fucked and abused. I felt attracted immediately.

I quickly emailed her some tasks: marry me, bear my children, help raise them and nurture them. I also suggested a uniform: regular clothes. She looked disgusted, but as my slut slave, she had no choice.

And here we are today. And, my precious daughter, you remind me so much of your mom.

Stupid slut looking to be fucked and abused - w4m - 21

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Reply to: pers-407781536@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-27, 11:47PM EDT


I am a complete whore that needs to be controlled completely. I will do anything you say and obey you unconditionally at all times. I am ready and willing to take abuse, pain, and humiliation for your entertainment. All my holes are open for you.

Please e-mail me the tasks you would have me complete for you, what my duties as your slut slave would be, and my uniform in your service (public and private)

What do you think?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/405273121.html

The author of this ad goes on the defensive pretty quickly.

Her major argument for not being a whore is that, after some dude's brother walked in on her having sex, she started doing both of them and she still wants more men and will go on the internet to find some.

What's saddest about this ad is that this girl just wants attention. At least she has the (for lack of a better word) balls to back up her big talk, but bragging about being a whore is just telling everyone what low self esteem you have. This in turn makes you kind of off limits to guys because it feels like taking advantage of someone.

Ideally, if your vagina really is hungry, either act all conservative and self assured or start stuffing food up there. I suggest the former.

THINK I'M A WHORE? - w4m - 28 (Gramercy)

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Reply to: pers-405273121@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-24, 7:03PM EDT


This guy I know likes to share me with his 22 year-old younger brother.

It all started a couple of weeks ago, when his brother walked in while his older brother was fucking me. Now, they both do me at the same time all the time.

Do you think they think I'm a whore?

They just left, but I still want more. My pussy is so hungry lately.

I'm 28, 5-4, about 135 pounds and have long, brown hair and brown eyes.

Prefer company.

Too Good To Be True

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/403364655.html, http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/403368137.html, and http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/403374064.html

These three ads purport to be from attractive, busy women who want no strings attached sex. They are from different parts of the city and have different color hair. I think this has to be someone's experiment though, testing who gets more replies (the brunette, the blonde, or the black hair or the queenswoman, the brooklynite, or the manhattanite).

The brunette only has brown. She never specifies hair. In a way, don't we all have brown? And who describes their hair as black? If you like the girl who does, right her back. The blonde is the type that will fuck you senseless before she exchanges phone numbers. I guess that type is "oddly more protective over her phone number than her vagina."

The ads are posted minutes apart from each other and all include breast size and hair color but do not include race. They all ask for some variation of fuckbuddy. Nothing provided is that specific.

It's a shame these hoaxes exist, unless they're for science. Then, at least share your findings, whoever you are.

I just want a friend with benifits - w4m - 28

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Reply to: pers-403364655@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-22, 3:04PM EDT


I'm your typical busy professional, but what I have in mind doesn't take a lot of time. My hair is blonde. My breasts are size 34B and I am 5'5 tall. I'm the type who's prepared to fuck you senseless before we exchange phone numbers. Or names. When I'm at home alone, odds are I've brought work from the office with me. I like my partners to be willing to lay down the law since I've been very, very bad. For me a perfect Friday night is a discreet encounter with a hot friend. Feel free to drop me a line only if you're looking for some discreet fun with no strings attached. I live in Queens. Contact me if you want to hook up.

sex buddys with no strings attached - w4m - 20

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Reply to: pers-403368137@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-22, 3:07PM EDT


I am a girl who is looking for fun. By that I don't mean exclusively sex, but it has to be a very big part of it. I like to have sex all the time. Here are my measurements. 5'7 tall. 36D breasts. I have black hair. I am interested in finding someone who is not scared to include the more personal side of sex like caressing, licking, giving each other a sensual massage, having a bath together etc One of the things I love is after having had mind shattering sex to fall asleep in each others arms to wake up there the next morning only to start over again... I like listening to music, going to the movies, reading books and magazines, fast cars or just chilling out. Looking for a man or woman around Brooklyn. Right me a message if your interested.

looking for a friend with benifits - w4m - 23 (Financial District)

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Reply to: pers-403374064@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-22, 3:14PM EDT


I am a teacher and a big sports fan--my favorite is baseball. I live in Financial District. I am a very social person. I have brown, my breasts are 36C, and I am 5'5 tall. In the summer months I am almost always enjoying the outside I like to spend time with my friends and family. I can also be pretty girly. I love to get manicures and pedicures and I am never opposed to a spa day. I am an easy woman to please and just looking for a fuck buddy, not a soul mate. Contact me if you want to hook up.

Chocolate Covered Anus

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/cas/402054631.html

The author of this ad is covered in chocolate and is interested in anal play. It makes you wonder exactly what kind of chocolate she's covered in.

The author wants some sexual acts. That's very specific of her.

She thinks that married men know how to treat the women like a queen. But the married men who cheat on their wives, by definition, kind of treat the women badly, no? So it seems that, by definition, the author's an idiot. Also, married men searching for sex on the internet probably haven't had oral or anal loving in years.

The author wants an attractive and tall but average bult guy. Me, I prefer a woman to be bult out of chocolate. No offense to other ethinociracygracities. I mena, everyone is entitled to say they want their men to be perferably married arent they?

SBW seeks white (perferably married) male for some sexual acts - w4m - 22

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Reply to: pers-402054631@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-21, 12:14AM EDT


I am a dark yummy chocolate covered woman who is seeking a white male (pererably married, since they know how to treat the women like a queen)for some oral and anal loving. I am looking for an attractive, tall, average bult guy no older than 30. No offense to other ethincitities.. this is just my preference..i mena everyone is entitled to their preference arent they?

Family Vacation

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/401107529.html

The author of this ad is in Brooklyn RIGHT NOW. And if that wasn't hot enough for you, then check this out: he is staying at his aunt's house. What a playa!

He's in downtown Brooklyn. I'm not quite sure where that refers to. Brooklyn Heights? If he's surrounded by skyscrapers and such, he's actually in Manhattan. The two are easily confused I guess to visitors, assuming such visitors are blind.

If you're a woman who has never had a stroke before, the author likes to provide nice long strokes. How does he do that? Maybe he shocks you with scary news or electricity or a maybe he only hooks up with really really old women. Hopefully you'll recover your motor functions and health after one of these nice long strokes. Otherwise your family will say, "On the downside, my friend had a stroke today. But don't worry, it was a nice, long stroke."

How can the author be reach? Via a 917 phone number. I wonder how a California visitor has a 917 number. I f you know the answer, definitly get back to me.

IM IN BROOKLYN RIGHT NOW - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-401107529@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-19, 10:36PM EDT


IM VISITING FROM CALI RIGHT NOW AND AM IN DOWNTOWN BROOKLYN AT MY AUNTS HOUSE. I am five feet eleven 165lbs and very attractive and well built. clean cut and have a 9 incher. This is my last week in new york and i would like to enjoy myself. im looking for a great encounter tonight. i love oral and love to provide nice long strokes. I f you can deep throat definitly get back to me. I can be reach via nine, one,seven-4-0-six,five,[#] [#]-[#]. I am looking to meet up right now and can travel if needed.

Reception to follow

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm not a zombie. But I am undead and sure do like eating brains.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Junk in the Trunk

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Family Values

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Second Chances

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ask yourself if this is where you want to be 20 or 30 years from now

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/393605016.html

The only strong psychological component to this "paddling a strange 40 year old woman I met off the internet while I should be with my wife and teenage kids" is the backlash from whatever traumatic event ruined your life and sent you from an intelligent religious man into this sad, sad freak.

Personally, I'm curious why the author if this ad is open enough to be spanked and paddled by a complete stranger at 7:03a on a weekday, but insists her disciplinarian be Jewish. I'm pretty sure if you asked your rabbi, "Hey, can I get spanked by a stranger?" he would respond, "As long as he's Jewish." Would it otherwise be an abomination?

Why does he need to be intelligent? I'm not just going to have any brute whip me, you say. He has to have a degree in Art or Business before he can paddle my ass. Paddles are very very complicated and hard to operate and, in the hands of a moron, someone could get hurt nonsexually.

Also, what's with this "possibly a whipping" business? Are you suddenly coy? Is this playing hard to get in the world of Jewish s&m? I thought I was the one setting the strict rules. Just for that, you're getting whipped.

Spanking/Paddling/Possibly a Whipping - w4m

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Reply to: pers-393605016@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-10, 7:03AM EDT


You set the strict rules and administer the punishments.

You are a strict disciplinarian,Jewish, late 50's plus very into disciplining a pretty 40ish lady. You are very intelligent and understand there is a strong psychological component to this.

But what?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/393164311.html

Following the same theme as the last ad, the author of this ad wants "everything but..." but then asks for "a nice hard cock to fill my wet hole." Back where I come from, that's "everything," a concept so distinct from "everything but..." that it necessitated the creation of the term "everything but..."

I wonder what devious thing comes after the ellipsis and if I even wanted it to begin with.

Everything but... - w4m

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Reply to: pers-393164311@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-09, 3:33PM EDT


I need a nice hard cock to fill my wet hole.
Please be sane. I can host sometimes, but you must host as well.

Not looking for an apartment or a job

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/392599964.html

The author of this ad may be posting on CL, but she wants discreet sex only. What else was on the table, anyway? That's pretty much the whole shebang. The word "only" is more appropriate for ads like this one, where there's no actual "physical contact," just substantial weirdness.

Personally, I am looking for discreet sexy only. I'm not sure if only or sexy is the noun in that sentence, but regardless, it needs to be discreet. If my mom knew anything about my sexy (or my only?), I'd be in trouble!

The trick to CL is that I never know what to do after reading these ads. This author simply tells me what to do: Respond to ad. Why didn't I think of that on my own? Oh that's right, I know nothing about you except that you're illiterate and desperate.

A girl in college once told me that you'd be surprised what people will do if you just ask them. Maybe the author here is right: just say "respond to ad" and people will just go, "Um, okay."

Write me fan mail.

***WANT DISCREET SEX ONLY*** - w4m - 20

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Reply to: pers-392599964@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-08, 9:05PM EDT


ARE YOU LOOKING FOR DISCREET SEXY ONLY??
LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP.
RESPOND TO AD.

Just barely heterosexual

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/391991479.html

This ad seeks a heterosexual encounter. However, the heterosexual encounter it describes is the bare minimum of what constitutes heterosexuality, inasmuch as it involves a w and a m.

The ad begins with wrestling, which is the starting point for much gaiety, from the nude muscle men of Ancient Greece, to the testosterone-sur-testosterone soap opera of the WWE, to foxy boxing.

The ad continues with the big blonde literally spanking the dominance and masculinity out of her past boyfriends. The author isn't interested in legitimate competition: she insists on a sparring partner who is physically incapable of beating her. What turns her on is the man losing: the man being essentially the woman in this dance around the obvious.

What I'm curious about is, if this is sexual (and I figure it is because it is on CL and because the author wants a cute guy), how can the man penetrate if he is pinned? The only way I can think of is if he is pinned by a girl with his back facing the floor, which isn't so much wrestling as it is just plain sad for both people involved.

Then again, getting beaten up by a girl who calls herself a bully is still the best chance a guy has for sex at 330a. It may be better to have loved and gotten beaten up than never to have loved at all.

Big Blonde Likes To Wrestle - w4m - 23 (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: pers-391991479@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-08-08, 3:30AM EDT


I was physically active, playing sports in both high school and college. I
enjoyed both the exercise and the competition. Now that I'm out of college,
I'm looking for a way to replace what I received from sports. I've always enjoyed wrestling. My boyfriends were always afraid to wrestle me, because I'd
not only beat them, I'd spank them....And right now I'm between relationships.

I'm a big girl. I'm 6 feet tall and 202 pounds. And, believe it or not, I can
bench press my weight. I'm looking to wrestle cute guys who are no heavier
than 180. Why? Because I like winning and if I lose, I might lose my incentive
to continue wrestling. Also, in all honesty, I'm kind of a bully, and it's a
turn-on for me to pin guys to the floor. Very often I get off from pinning a
cute guy. As I mentioned before, I'm also into spanking, so you should be okay
with that. And if you win, you can spank me also. So....

Ay papi! I fall upon the thorns of life!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/385710268.html or translated

This ad was originally written en español. Thanks to Google Language Tools, however, I was able to have it translated into not just the crass vernacular of CL, but to what could pass for the verses of Percy Bysshe Shelley.

The author has two parallel, conflicting desires: to suck and to swallow. She can't do both, can she? But, as Shelley noted in Ode to the West Wind, the wind can be both "Destroyer and Preserver." So too this woman can suck and swallow.

The author likes the great and heavy yards. Why? Well because it absorbs her teats, which is pretty incredible. Unless her teats are water and your great and heavy yards are a sponge, but that wouldn't make any sense.

The author will put herself in four for you, which I think means she will bend over on all fours. At least I hope it means that.

The author bends over on all fours for you. She is dunked!
Much like Shelley falls upon the thorns of life. He bleeds!
This ad is so ripped off.

Up next, the author's totito (a dog that lives in kansas?) wants to be stretched by a "great and heavy tiny beast." Such a mythical creature of conflict, that is both great and tiny, is already stretching my mind. Hopefully it will leave my totito alone.

Ay papi, dame your milk! I'm sick of daming it for you. And if you absorb this girl's teats, you're just going to dame it anyway. I think.

ay papi, dame your milk! - w4m (Inwood/Wash Hts)

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Reply to: pers-385710268@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-30, 10:37 P.M. EDT


I have desire to suck and to swallow. I like the great and heavy yards. I like Latin and brown.

it absorbs my teats and I put myself in four for you, papi.

I am dunked and I want to suck and to swallow milk.

my totito wants to be stretched by a great and heavy tiny beast… ay papi, dame your milk!

The Ladies Man

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/384854686.html

It's Sunday night and Harlem's Heartthrob™ is going to the bar tonight. And for the first time in CL history, he's decided to let the internet know about it.

Like Jesse Jackson or Johnnie Cochran, HH makes his case in rhyme. Nothing turns a lady on more than a poem like:

SKINNY OR FAT
SHORT OR TALL
I LUST FOR YOU ALL

The magic of this poem is that it not only rhymes, but that it also reminds girls that they could be hideously ugly and this heartthrob will still use them as an object. Or this gem:

If you can hang
lets BANG!

This ode, reminiscent of To His Coy Mistress, suggests to the woman that if she is able to have sex, then maybe they should have sex.

I suggest this lesser-known work, attributed to HH:

If you respond to this ad
Your Sunday nights are SAD

It lacks HH's usual flair, but it is frank and honest.

HH mentions the fact that he will be in Harlem only three times, including his name. But the last time, he does so WITH GUSTO!

HARLEM'S HEARTTHROB (NSA) - m4w - 26 (Harlem / Morningside)

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Reply to: pers-384854686@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-29, 10:11PM EDT


I'm going to the bar tonight, and I don't like drinking alone so feel free to join me. DRINKS ON ME! I don't discriminate on dates so just send me a pic and if I like, I'll divulge the location where I will be consuming my cocktails and we can link up. SKINNY OR FAT SHORT OR TALL I LUST FOR YOU ALL! I'm ISO a drinking partner that can handle her liquor and isn't afraid of her sexuality either. I'm a 9.5"er so if you can hang lets BANG! FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME BEFORE MIDNIGHT! I can HOST for after hours. LOCATION HARLEM!

Chastity

Howdy all. Sorry the roundup's been quiet for awhile, but I've been hard at work studying for the bar exam. It'll be back up when the exam's over.

Money for Sex

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/335870200.html

Traditionally, craigslist has been a haven for women to basically ask for a money-for-sex exchange. This is mostly because men have such a hard time as it is acquiring sex from craigslist that they can't be picky and ask for things like money (or thinness).

This ad is unique that this woman is looking for a kept man. She offers generousity, which is British for generosity. However, it's not an entire role reversal as this woman is emasculating her man by reducing him to her child. Though this trope is not entirely lost on the other prostitute ads (referring to the benefactors as "daddys"), it does little to change the idea that it's the man that has to support the woman.

It's a little strange that "mom" is looking for a man at 5:56am on a Tuesday. Also, her idea of what young men do is a little weird as she anticipates responses with myspace pages. She wants 22-30 but seems to be expecting 15-17.

Looking for Mommy to take care of you? - w4m - 34

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Reply to: pers-335870200@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-22, 5:56AM EDT



34 yr old white female looking for a 22-30 yr old white hottie looking for some generousity. I am looking for a long term arrangement instead of a hookup. You must be smart, healthy, and young, d/d free (this includes 420 - yes, that's a drug.) If you are interested, tell me a little about yourself and interests. Please include complete and pic in reply. Willing to help students, but you must have a somewhat flexible schedule and be willing to get a passport so we can travel. You must own a suit and have impeccable manners so that you can accompany me to work events.

I'm 34, 5'11" 135 lbs, long auburn hair, blue eyes, 36C, very generous.

Please no one line replies, or myspace pages. Replies without pic, one liners, or irrelevant answers will be discarded.

A Perfect Sexual Market

At any given moment, there are hundreds if not thousands, of people willing to have anonymous sex. They have internet access, the ability to do it safely, and the means to transport themselves to a partner and a place to have sex. So why are people lonely?

These people don't meet each other is a big reason. They sit in their apartments or at bars where it's too loud to talk or too weird for strangers to say what they feel.

CL is a big step forward in fixing this problem. Still, many folks don't know that CL exists, and even among those that do, it's not a perfect sexual market. Reading ads or posting an ad does not guarantee or even usually lead to sex. Some problems:

1. An overwhelming imbalance in the number of men seeking women compared to women seeking men.
2. A disproportionate share of unattractive and overweight people, especially in women as there are a large number of muscular and "large" men on CL
   
3. The high number of fake ads and people on the internet pretending to be people they're not
4. The lack of pictures, which not only facilitates #3 but also makes people reluctant to answer ads since they're afraid of treading below their minimum floor of attractiveness.
5. The social stigma of having sex on CL/having someone out there know that you have sex on CL

Eliminating #5 would fix a lot, but the idea of easily found sex would still appeal to men more than women. Given that online dating had a huge stigma years ago but now is considered fairly normal, there's hope that in time CL will have a reduced stigma as well.

But I think CL should charge. It should charge some low fee, like $10/mo, for the privilege to read and post. People could justify paying $10 to read the funny ads and won't have to admit at first that they want to post. This helps get rid of fake posters. Sites that charge, like match.com, have very few fake people. And it allows CL permanently ban fake people (or subject them to fees to the point where it's not profitable for them to be on CL anymore).

Ultimately, I think CL needs some sort of code of honor where what happens there stays secret. Like AA. This will allow more people to post more information on themselves and the more information and people that are out there, the better the sexual market will be.

He'll forget all about you

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/332483959.html

Who doesn't like having sex with white old geezers? Especially when you describe them in such glowing, sexy terms?

This Don Juan tries to seduce women by describing his Alzheimer's and suggesting that he'll forget the girl's name and that maybe you'll feel sorry for him. Hot.

If he can't remember your name, how will he go down on you for 30 minutes? Won't he wake up in the middle, confused, and wonder what he's doing? Where he is?

This old man, while certainly not bragging about his small genitals, is awfully confident that he'll be able to achieve erection (which is usually more difficult to achieve than, say, short-term memory). He plans on having two separate bouts of sex, lasting hours. Maybe his memory just "forgot" all the times he stayed as limp as his jowls.

I do give Mr. Magoo credit, however, for not only being on the internet and being honest, but for being awake past 10pm.

Invite this old geezer over to go down and then fuck you - m4w

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Reply to: pers-332483959@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-16, 10:08PM EDT


Do you like having sex with white old geezers. Granted I am on my last legs, at times forget my name and of course yours, but maybe you feel sorry for me because I will perform cunnilingus on your for a good half hour or more, taking my time slowly pleasuring, exploring with my tongue before finally picking up the pace and staying down while you have several releases. Finally my old, little cock is able to get up and then it will fuck you for round one at least half an hour and then after my first orgasm, I will go down on you again.When my cock recharges for round two, I have a terrible problem. My cock stays up for almost an hour or more and unless you are truly skilled it will not be able to cum again for that long or maybe not at all for round two and just stays rock hard for you to fuck and suck. Are you sure you will not be mad having a rock hard cock at your disposal for such a long period of time because most men do not have this horrible problem where it just stays up.

Hi, I'm an ethnic stereotype

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/331825697.html

Hi Girls.

I'd like to introduce you to Indian Guy. That's his name. He thinks that 5'5" is attractive and, like many of his fellow Indian men, he's educated (possibly a doctor!) He's got money and will take you on some trip (possibly as an arranged marriage) for week end some where at his expance once you call him on the tellephone. Whatever he was educated in, it wasn't English.

If anything, this man does us a public service by shattering the terrible stereotype of Indian Americans as overachieving feminine weirdos and instead replacing it with the terrible stereotype of Indian Americans as good kissers :)

Seriously, I wonder if 1205a on Wednesday is the right time to plan a weekend trip. I'm guessing the women reading m4w at 1205a on Wednesday are looking for someone for, say, 105a on Wednesday and not this weekend, when they've sobered up and realize what they're doing.

*****ANY SWEET GIRL WANT TO GO OUT*********** - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-331825697@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-16, 12:05AM EDT


HI GIRLS

I'M INDIAN GUY, ATTRACTIVE, EDUCATED, VERY GOOD KISSER :), 5'5''
LET GO FOR WEEK END SOME WHERE

ALL MY EXPANCES

PLEASE REPLY WITH PICTURE & TELLEPHONE

Gosh Darnit

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/331125582.html

How does the author of this ad react to the mass death of every one of the million women in Manhattan? "What a shame !!" It's as if the author feels that he's the real victim in that genocide.

In reality, this 47 year old is probably mistaken since I have spoken to some women to make sure this weird Children of Men scenario did not really take place. Women are still alive in Manhattan! You heard it here first!

So, I guess, I too am quirious as to why no one is responding to this sophisticated social critic. Especially on such a nice day.

The ad, written in the language of kings/ALL CAPS, then goes on to points out that the author really is quirious. Good thing he confirmed that his bizarre curiousity/fifth-grade spelling skills at the age of 47 weren't a joke. Otherwise it wouldn't be scary.

Lastly, he'd like us to RSVP. I didn't know he was having a party (maybe that explains the lack of responses!). I wonder if he knows that RSVP doesn't mean to please respond (which I guess is what the French translation literally means) but instead to respond regarding attendance to a specific event. If he doesn't then... what a shame !!

WHAT A SHAME !! - m4w - 47 (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-331125582@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-15, 1:30AM EDT


ALL WOMEN IN MANHATTAN DEAD ? OR WHAT ?
NO RESPONSE ON THIS NICE DAY,WHAT HAPPENED ?
I AM QUIRIUOS.
REALLY.
RSVP

Garfield Enters the World of Online Dating

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/330513370.html

This gentleman has conflicting views on Mondays. He begins his ad stating his distaste for the first business day of the week, but then describes the day itself as one filled with possibility and opportunity and even calls it "beautiful Monday" towards the end of his ad.

You could meet this stranger in a park or by the beach and if you are mutually turn on, you could have mind blowing off the wall sex for hours. I'd be surprised if someone who lacks the subtlety to use lower case letters at all is a delicate enough lover to make sex mind blowing or off the wall. In his defense, at the age of 44, sex may take hours before he can develop an erection.

This man is a professional, but not so professional that he has to be at work or that he can't be absent for hours upon hours. Also, if this guy is 44 and single and rich, you should immediately start wondering what terrible nonobvious flaw this guy has that has rendered him posting for sex at 1037a on a Monday, well into his 40s.

Then again, he has curky hair and he can make today a day to remember... as the day you got herpes.

I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS!!!! - m4w - 44

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Reply to: pers-330513370@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-14, 10:37AM EDT


I HATE MONDAYS..........SO I TOOK OFF TODAY. WOULD LOVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF THIS DAY. IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT, WE COULD MEET IN A PARK OR NEAR THE BEACH. HAVE A COFFEE, CHAT, GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER AND IF WE ARE BOTH MUTUALLY TURN ON BY EACH OTHER MAKE THE BEST OF THE DAY BY HAVING MIND BLOWING OFF THE WALL SEX WITH EACH OTHER FOR HOURS......SOUND GOOD? ME PROFESSIONAL, 6'1 DARK CURKY HAIR, BLUE/GREEN EYES AND A BODY THAT WILL MAKE LOVE TO YOU FOR HOURS...NON-STOP. LETS CHAT AND EXCHANGE SOME PICS. WHY LET THIS BEAUTIFUL MONDAY GET AWAY, WHEN WE COULD MAKE IT A DAY TO REMEMBER.........

Goosebumps

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/330303170.html

This doesn't even sound like a good idea. At best, it sounds not stupid. In practice, reading 120 pages of 7th grade horror while your fingers are inside of some stranger from the internet's navel is just awkward.

But, then again, guys have a demand for sex that is willing to accommodate the bizarre whims of the short supply. So men who aren't belly button fetishists per se will likely fake it because, hey, we're willing to pretend if it means sex. But seriously, after 3 chapters of reading while a girl's fingers lie limp and useless inside of your belly button, even the desperate-est guy will start to wonder what the hell he's doing.

If this girl is the girl of your dreams, you're probably in the 7th grade yourself. You're not sure what sex entails and figure it has something to do with belly buttons. Your ideal date involves reading Fear Street and a woman who says "totally serious." You've got a lot of growing up to do.

Also, who writes "signed" at the end of a letter? It's implied, weirdo.

"Please let that be you..." - w4m - 22

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Reply to: pers-330303170@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-13, 10:26PM EDT


You: hot greek stud, big muscles and a huge cock.
MUST HAVE A BELLY BUTTON FETISH!!
I want to put my fingers in your belly button while I read R.L. Stine novels out loud to you.
Come on baby.
Come and get it, if you dare.



reply only if you're totally serious.
signed,
the girl of your dreams.

Fake Ads

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/327978047.html

I've been meaning to tackle this subject for awhile, so here goes:

It's a widely known fact that there are a lot of fake ads on CAS. Far fewer on strictly platonic, btw. Many ads are openly ads for other sites, with the URLs right on the page. Others seem normal, but for one telltale clue: if you highlight the text, white text appears. It normally blends in the background, but upon highlighting, it becomes visible.

The ad below seems fake at first because the subject line in no way comports with the subject matter of the ad. But the fakeness giveaway is the hidden text before the actual text. It reads: gmkcbvepvnahexldcafqvhobrfyvedgalfrxipcsgxoohhblqor in regular text: gmkcbvepvnahexldcafqvhobrfyvedgalfrxipcsgxoohhblq

Why? How does it help a spammer to have this garbled text? My best guess is that it can be used to find the ad later on in the CL search engine. Many hidden texts involve actual words, though not in sensical sentences. That would better support the search engine theory. However, the garbled text doesn't seem to do much. It doesn't help the ad come up in searches that wouldn't have otherwise found the ad. It doesn't communicate anything to the average reader.

If anything, the text is a fuck you to the decent guy looking on the internet for a woman in need of punishment. A guy that did nothing wrong and who got excited about the prospect of sharing his music. It's just not right to knock a man when he's down/when he's lonely on CL at 1:57am.

bad girl needs punishment - w4m - 21

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Reply to: pers-327978047@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-10, 1:57AM EDT
gmkcbvepvnahexldcafqvhobrfyvedgalfrxipcsgxoohhblq
i just realized that i don't really have too many friends that like the same music i do. if you're interested in going to see a show, let me know.

The last call you'll ever make

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/327469150.html

The author of this ad, who writes in the all-caps genre of seduction, is a freak n so horny. However, for some reason, she will shut off her computer right after posting the ad and insist you call up her boyfriend in Washington Heights and tell him the following:

1. I'm going to use your girlfriend for sex
2. I heard you were gay
3. I'm a close friend of Nessa's, but if you ask me anything about her, I'll quickly get caught in a lie.
4. I'm a close friend of Nessa's, like the nine other people you've never heard of who have just called.

This is asking to get beaten up.

I like the fact that this boyfriend is ok with dudes using his girl for sex, but the mention of craigslist bothers him. Maybe if she had met her lovers in bars or at the supermarket it would be far more wholesome infidelity.

Also, why does she give you her boyfriend's cell number? Does she not have her own phone? Her 973 # isn't a landline since she's in Washington Heights and 973 is New Jersey. Is there any other number she could have possibly given out for sex besides her boyfriend's number?

On that topic, if she's so horny and she's with her boyfriend... why doesn't that problem just solve itself?

I NEED SEX NOW - w4m (Inwood / Wash Hts)

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Reply to: pers-327469150@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-09, 12:03PM EDT


MY NAME IS NESSA IM A FREAK PERSON N SO HORNY , IM LOOKING FOR A MAN ONLY FOR SEX .. SO THIS IS MY NUMBER CALL ME [#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]/[#]... MY BOY IS GONNA ANSWER HE DONT MIND CAUSE HE IS GAY TOO.... IT DONT MATTER ASK FOR ME VANESSA N TELL HIM THE YOU LOOKING FOR ME FOR SEX .. HE KNOWS JUST TELL HIM YOU ARE A CLOSE FRIND OF MINE IF HE ASK.... IM JUST LOOKING FOR A NSA FUN NOTHING ELSE ..... NO DRAMA VERY DISCREET... GUYS FROM 20-25 ONLY .... DONT EMAIL ME JUST CALL ME .... N HURRY CAUSE IM HORNY ... DONT TELL MY BOY IS SOMEONE FROM CRAIGSLIST.. OK WELL SEE YA ..... CALL ME ....

Ass Pirate

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/326781335.html

Arr matey! Lick me hole!

This is a rare pirate who addresses her first mate as "sweety." On the topic of rarities, she's the only person I know who puts her fondness for swimming and snorkeling two sentences away from her desire for a stranger's tongue in her rectum. Girls like that are hard to find.

Why does she even tell us she likes snorkeling? In Manhattan, it's not as if whatever casual encounter you have will involve a trip to the coral reef.

Then again, this woman doesn't just want a casual encounter. She wants a serious relationship. And what better way to start one than with a "short note"? Anything too long will scare this ass pirate who wants to snorkel with you away.

Lick me hole!! - w4m

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Reply to: pers-326781335@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-08, 12:24PM EDT


Greetings sweety! My hobbies includes swimming and snorkeling. I want to meet some good diver out there for a date... he must be a good lover also for a serious relationship. hit me back with a short note if interested!

Let's Hope He Doesn't Start a Dynasty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/315127671.html

If I were looking for a friend on the internet, I'd probably start off by sharing my fondness for an 80s male sex icon in an obscure movie about the illegal booze trade.

But there's more to this guy than nascent homoeroticism:

1. He likes the duck-billed platypus. So if you are the one chick in America who owns one, then you're in luck.
2. Sometimes he shaves a lot, sometimes rarely, depending on the situation. This tells us a lot about the author. I bet he eats a lot sometimes, less at other times, depending on how hungry he is.
3. He likes to double bag his groceries, just in case... of what?

Let me stop this list here. Why is he telling us this? Is he trying to sound cute and quirky? Is he trying to say that his personality can't be captured in total, but instead can only be shown in bits and slices of everyday minutia?

If it's the latter, the sad truth is that no part of his list differentiates him at all from anyone. The few that are different are just weird. For example, his favorite day is Arbor Day? Really? The song you'd sing forever is the alphabet song? Honestly?

The author knows words like "trite" because of his private liberal-arts "education." Actually, most of us picked that word up after our fifth grade educations. And our wordsmith author would be well-suited to use a word besides "zest" to describe his zeal for the English language. Zest makes the mother tongue sound like a salad.

The author considers himself a man of few words. This may also be why he considers himself educated.

He also suggests everyone strive to be more like Denzel Washington (another male sex symbol!) and less like Kyle Peterson. What did Kyle Peterson do wrong? Does he mean the All-American College Baseball player? Or the title character from the ABC Family Drama Kyle XY? Does he maybe mean Scott Peterson?

In summation, this guy's hobbies include driving the speed limit and "bland soda products." And I think that about sums up why he's turned to the internet for friends.

Patrick Swayze was good in the movie RoadHouse - m4w - 22

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Reply to: pers-315127671@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-25, 10:29PM EDT


I will post a little about me...

I like the duck-billed playtapus. I shave often,
or seldom, depending on the necessity of the matter. I prefer to double bag my groceries, just to be on the safe side. Out of all the holidays, although I delight in many, my favorite is Arbor Day, because Arbor Day is
Nebraskan in origin. My favorite facial expression is the one right before someone laughs. Try to make that one!

If I could sing one song for the rest of my life it would be the alphabet song, because I believe in children's literacy, although I don't necessarily support the no child left behind policy. I am fundamentally enthralled by the Amish community and it's many wondrous virtues. I like star-gazing, because I consider it trite. I know of words such as trite because of my private liberal arts education, and zest for the English language.

I believe everyone should always aspire to be themselves... unless they are Kyle Peterson. He should try to be someone else, like maybe Denzel Washington... On Second thought, everyone should try to be more like Denzel Washington! If you are Denzel Washington, then you are doing all right!

Finally, in summation, I believe that I am a man of few words, or many depending on the person I am speaking to.

And these are my hobbies...

all out horse play, Driving the speed limit, not shaving for unusual periods of time, starting a dynasty, not sharing, taking things to seriously, blaming it on the rain, bland soda products, the munchies, David Spade, approaching the speed of light, Speaking up when when it is my turn

Pinocchia

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317935578.html

I am tired of the 9 to 5 of the day. I could really use someone to relax me away nonsexually.

Luckily I can email this doll. Now I know what you're saying... how can a doll type or receive email, let alone relax me away nonsexually? The author her/itself anticipates skepticism and mollifies her nonbelievers by saying "just wait and see."

Only serious inquire, please. Only people who seriously need an inanimate foreign object to relax them away nonsexually should email her/it.

What part of Portugal is this doll from? The part that doesn't know how to spell Portuguese correctly. Who should you ask for when you "contact this ad?" Ask for ,me, of course.

The last guy I know who befriended a living European doll ended up eaten by a whale. If this doesn't sound like the basis of a firm platonic friendship, I don't know what does.

PORTUGESE DOLL - w4m - 21 (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-317935578@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 2:09PM EDT


TIRED AFTER THE 9 TO 5 OF THE DAY

JUST EMAIL ME ,I CAN RELAX YOU AWAY

[THIS IS A NON-SEXUAL AD]
ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRE

IM A PORTUGESE DOLL,JUST WAIT AND SEE

CONTACT THIS AD ASK FOR ,ME

Missing the Point

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/317755996.html and http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317535761.html

What is "strictly platonic?" Dictionary.com defines it as "free from sensual desire." But, as Billy Crystal argues in When Harry Met Sally, it is perhaps true that there are no platonic relationships between men and women.

I think the argument used by these authors is that, since they claim not to want insertion, their ads are not sexual. However, I don't believe making out to be a platonic act. At the very least, this violates the word "strictly" in "strictly platonic."

The gentleman's idea of platonic is hanging out with the lights out, candles lit, and tongues passionately kissing. The woman outright asks for a friend with benefits. I think that when these two meet, they'll end up getting more action than the average casual encounters poster.

What I find fascinating, though, is why these two people chose strictly platonic for their ads. Fear? The notion that they're not "casual encounters" people, some sort of inner insistence of superiority? The distinction in their mind between kissing and sex? Frankly, at a certain age, making out often leads somewhere...

Keeping in mind that the man posted in the morning and the woman posted in the early evening, I think that online dating is a weird element in the average person's average boring life. Like buying condoms, it's a disruption in the standard illusion that most people maintain that their dirty impulses don't exist. And just like the upright individual who purchases as many rolls of tape or toothbrushes as they can to minimize the attention given to the condoms, so too these people were willing only to dabble their toes in the pool of online dating. The man quickly went back to work, the woman back to her TiVo, as if nothing had ever happened.

Seeking makeout partner - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-317755996@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 9:31AM EDT


I am not looking for sex, just looking to make out. I am a tall, thin and attractive young guy. I have been told i am cute. I just want to meet somone who wants to hang out, watch tv or a movie, share a quiet evening at home(you know, with the lights out and just the tv or some candles on) or go out to eat or to the beach or other things. I love deep passionate tounge kissing. I am a down to earth hard working blue collar guy. I live alone and i am quite smart and very kind.

Friend with Benefits - w4m - 24

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Reply to: pers-317535761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 9:46PM EDT


Looking for a friend who likes to hang out, watch TV and movies and also likes to make out. No strings attached and not looking for a sexual relationship, just looking for someone who wants to make out and have a good time. Someone who likes sports is a plus, must be someone with a good sense of humor.

A Tad Specific

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/316906761.html

How many people do you think are 53 and reading CL strictly platonic at 11:23p on a Sunday night? Of them, how many do you suppose were born on October 21 and said "Damn! So close."

Assuming you are this dude, after freaking out at the ridiculous coincidence, you learn that under the stars all thing sparkle. Hopefully in your 53 years of life, you haven't yet realized that that isn't true. Starlight is very dim compared to the amount of light necessary to make an object, especially one that isn't shiny, sparkle.

Lastly the author reveals she is 49 and can't spell "you're" or write coherently.

your born 10/20/54 - w4m

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Reply to: pers-316906761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-22, 11:23PM EDT


looking for a man born
10-20-1954
under the stars all thing sparkle
i had a dream so why not look for you
i am 49 in shape pretty and kind
single and fun

It doesn't really matter who you are

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/stp/316950418.html

The author sums up her entire existence in five words: attractive face, personality. fat ass. If that doesn't sound like an amazing epitaph, I don't know what does.

This recent divorcee and reader of the Onion runs with her posse. She doesn't specify if it's the crips or the bloods, but does hint that she runs with the tough gang that makes frequent potty stops. Watch out, she's a girl from the rough part of Fairfield county, Connecticut, and she'll fuck you up.

She's looking for a friend on the internet at 1:18am. She talks a lot about herself, her fat ass, and her divorce. She calls you a pervert, even though you haven't said a word to her yet. She admits she'll ramble on incoherently. She tells you she doesn't care at all about what you're like. She has a fat ass and she won't hook up with you. If you need her for a friend, you may have more social problems than she has.

She notifies the reader that she's "fruity and off-kilter." Thanks for the heads-up, Queen Obvious. That didn't come across at all in your fruity and off-kilter work of art.

Consider yourself lucky that you'll likely never meet.

Attractive face, personality. Fat ass. - w4m - 33

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Reply to: pers-316950418@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 1:18AM EDT


Seeking NSA conversation. I don't want to talk about my feelings, but
if you know who Smoove B. is and have read "Our Dumb Century", then we
would probably get along. I realize these are shallow criteria for
conversational compatibility, but I'm sticking with them for now. Me:
getting divorced, but not bitter. I usually run with my "posse" (with
frequent potty stops), but am not looking for anyone to get involved in my
life or drama. FYI: I'm reasonably well-traveled, educated, etc (I suppose
this is highly subjective, but I'm willing to expound) (Not like that,
you pervert). I'm severely sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, so
please be amenable to random running commentaries on completely inane
subject-matter. I am slightly fruity and off-kilter, but really happy with
my life. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the dating scene by
attempting to hone my gender-specific social skills.

You: It doesn't really matter since I won't be fucking you. No dick
shots, please.

Can't wait to hear from you so we can exchange endless e-mails replete with overt sexual tension tempered by the reality that we will likely never meet!

Megalomania gets me all hot and bothered, too

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/315354014.html

One of the things that frequently impresses me about the CL casual encounters community is the healthy sense of self-worth that most of these folks seem to have. You'd think that one's ego would be smarting a little bit because: 1) you have to go on the internet to get laid and 2) you actually went ahead and did it. But no, most of these people seem quite content.

This guy is a perfect example. His game-plan here seems to be: insult a broad class of women, make outrageous claims about himself, and they'll all come flocking, although it intrigues me that there are hundreds of "horny, barely-legal school girls" trolling casual encounters, using their "slut-senses" to seek out men who will likely insult them. And apparently this guy must be a real stud, because aside from referring to himself as "the Chosen One," he's through with all the other sluts and has returned to posting on CL.

Another plus: he ends his post with what seems to be a totally new injection: WOY!

Listen sluts... - m4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-315354014@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-20, 9:40AM EDT


If you are reading this, you know you're a slut.

It's all well and good if your a slut, but you've got to be my slut for it to do me any good.

Email me a pic and tell me what you'll do for me.

Try to make a good first impression because I get hundreds of responses from horny, barely-legal school girls when I post on CL.

Somehow, using their slut-senses they just know I'm the "Chosen One".

The pimp-force is strong within me... Can you feel it tugging on your G-spot?

Gimme dat! WOY!

The Cosmological Argument

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/315327072.html

This poster is looking for some hot, causal sex. Unlike most posters, who loook for no-strings-attached sex, this good looking latino is loooking for sex with consequences.

The author insists you snd a pic and some info about yourself. I guess he's afraid you'll just send a blank email in response. And what would be the causal result of that? If I had to guess, based on how desperate guys on craigslist are, he'd probably try to have sex with you anyway.

GOOD LOOKING LATINO LOOKING TO MEET A SEXY FEMALE FOR CAUSAL SEX - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-315327072@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-20, 8:32AM EDT


IM LOOOKING TO MEET A SEXY FEMALE FOR HOT CAUSAL SEX, LADIES ONLY AND MUST HAVE A PIC....MUST ALSO SND SOME INFO ABOUT YOUR SELF

Ol' King Cole

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/314740821.html

Hi, Ladies. The author of this ad just wants to you to know one thing: he has the pole.

Glasses drop from hands and shatter on the ground! Men in tuxedos bolt from their parties and into the streets. Police sirens echo off in the distance. Santa Claus suddenly questions whether his land has been invaded.

He has the pole!

The author only realized this at 10:20am this morning. Oh my goodness! I have the pole! He raced to craigslist to share the news.

Further, he is looking a hole to plant his pole. Not only is that big news, but it rhymes! How often does that happen?

The author only wants women who are interesting to email him. I think any woman who reads this and even considers emailing this guy is, by definition, interesting to say the least.

Then, without any punctuation at all, the author thanks you for reading. What a gracious guy. No wonder the gods entrusted him with the one and only pole.

i have the pole - m4w - 38

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Reply to: pers-314740821@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-19, 10:21AM EDT


hi ladies just want you to know that i have the pole and am looking a hole to plant my pole so if you are intresting email me thank you all for reading

Paging Doctor Stupid

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/314025437.html

The author of this ad is a self-described "romantic." Nothing says romantic more than licking ass for money.

For some reason, the author thinks he can make it as a gigolo. He can get money for what every other m4w poster on craigslist is begging to give away for free. He also mysteriously insists that his services are only to be available to doctors and medical students. Because there's a group of people with low enough self esteem to do this... (also a group of people who don't realize the ridiculous grossness of having a stranger's tongue up your anus).

Great legs a plus! That's refreshing, since most guys hate great legs.

I'm especially fond of this guy's billing options: per diem or monthly stipend, first visit free. I think whatever doctor woman falls for this should diagnose this guy with ridiculously large balls.

SEEKING FEMALE MDs OR MEDICAL STUDENTS - m4ww

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Reply to: pers-314025437@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-18, 3:35AM EDT


romantic, clean, discreet male seeks respectful financially secure female md for a whats missing in my life relationship with caring tenderness and special moments. if you would like to receive great oral sex both back and front, i am available to come to to your home or office on a per diem basis in exchange for a monthly stipend(first visit free) i will go places your husband or boyfriend wont. specializing in female MDs + med students only! round butt and great legs a plus! give me a shout when you are ready! you wont be dissapointed and reciprocation is not necessary!