Let's Hope He Doesn't Start a Dynasty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/315127671.html

If I were looking for a friend on the internet, I'd probably start off by sharing my fondness for an 80s male sex icon in an obscure movie about the illegal booze trade.

But there's more to this guy than nascent homoeroticism:

1. He likes the duck-billed platypus. So if you are the one chick in America who owns one, then you're in luck.
2. Sometimes he shaves a lot, sometimes rarely, depending on the situation. This tells us a lot about the author. I bet he eats a lot sometimes, less at other times, depending on how hungry he is.
3. He likes to double bag his groceries, just in case... of what?

Let me stop this list here. Why is he telling us this? Is he trying to sound cute and quirky? Is he trying to say that his personality can't be captured in total, but instead can only be shown in bits and slices of everyday minutia?

If it's the latter, the sad truth is that no part of his list differentiates him at all from anyone. The few that are different are just weird. For example, his favorite day is Arbor Day? Really? The song you'd sing forever is the alphabet song? Honestly?

The author knows words like "trite" because of his private liberal-arts "education." Actually, most of us picked that word up after our fifth grade educations. And our wordsmith author would be well-suited to use a word besides "zest" to describe his zeal for the English language. Zest makes the mother tongue sound like a salad.

The author considers himself a man of few words. This may also be why he considers himself educated.

He also suggests everyone strive to be more like Denzel Washington (another male sex symbol!) and less like Kyle Peterson. What did Kyle Peterson do wrong? Does he mean the All-American College Baseball player? Or the title character from the ABC Family Drama Kyle XY? Does he maybe mean Scott Peterson?

In summation, this guy's hobbies include driving the speed limit and "bland soda products." And I think that about sums up why he's turned to the internet for friends.

Patrick Swayze was good in the movie RoadHouse - m4w - 22

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Reply to: pers-315127671@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-25, 10:29PM EDT


I will post a little about me...

I like the duck-billed playtapus. I shave often,
or seldom, depending on the necessity of the matter. I prefer to double bag my groceries, just to be on the safe side. Out of all the holidays, although I delight in many, my favorite is Arbor Day, because Arbor Day is
Nebraskan in origin. My favorite facial expression is the one right before someone laughs. Try to make that one!

If I could sing one song for the rest of my life it would be the alphabet song, because I believe in children's literacy, although I don't necessarily support the no child left behind policy. I am fundamentally enthralled by the Amish community and it's many wondrous virtues. I like star-gazing, because I consider it trite. I know of words such as trite because of my private liberal arts education, and zest for the English language.

I believe everyone should always aspire to be themselves... unless they are Kyle Peterson. He should try to be someone else, like maybe Denzel Washington... On Second thought, everyone should try to be more like Denzel Washington! If you are Denzel Washington, then you are doing all right!

Finally, in summation, I believe that I am a man of few words, or many depending on the person I am speaking to.

And these are my hobbies...

all out horse play, Driving the speed limit, not shaving for unusual periods of time, starting a dynasty, not sharing, taking things to seriously, blaming it on the rain, bland soda products, the munchies, David Spade, approaching the speed of light, Speaking up when when it is my turn

Pinocchia

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317935578.html

I am tired of the 9 to 5 of the day. I could really use someone to relax me away nonsexually.

Luckily I can email this doll. Now I know what you're saying... how can a doll type or receive email, let alone relax me away nonsexually? The author her/itself anticipates skepticism and mollifies her nonbelievers by saying "just wait and see."

Only serious inquire, please. Only people who seriously need an inanimate foreign object to relax them away nonsexually should email her/it.

What part of Portugal is this doll from? The part that doesn't know how to spell Portuguese correctly. Who should you ask for when you "contact this ad?" Ask for ,me, of course.

The last guy I know who befriended a living European doll ended up eaten by a whale. If this doesn't sound like the basis of a firm platonic friendship, I don't know what does.

PORTUGESE DOLL - w4m - 21 (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-317935578@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 2:09PM EDT


TIRED AFTER THE 9 TO 5 OF THE DAY

JUST EMAIL ME ,I CAN RELAX YOU AWAY

[THIS IS A NON-SEXUAL AD]
ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRE

IM A PORTUGESE DOLL,JUST WAIT AND SEE

CONTACT THIS AD ASK FOR ,ME

Missing the Point

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/317755996.html and http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317535761.html

What is "strictly platonic?" Dictionary.com defines it as "free from sensual desire." But, as Billy Crystal argues in When Harry Met Sally, it is perhaps true that there are no platonic relationships between men and women.

I think the argument used by these authors is that, since they claim not to want insertion, their ads are not sexual. However, I don't believe making out to be a platonic act. At the very least, this violates the word "strictly" in "strictly platonic."

The gentleman's idea of platonic is hanging out with the lights out, candles lit, and tongues passionately kissing. The woman outright asks for a friend with benefits. I think that when these two meet, they'll end up getting more action than the average casual encounters poster.

What I find fascinating, though, is why these two people chose strictly platonic for their ads. Fear? The notion that they're not "casual encounters" people, some sort of inner insistence of superiority? The distinction in their mind between kissing and sex? Frankly, at a certain age, making out often leads somewhere...

Keeping in mind that the man posted in the morning and the woman posted in the early evening, I think that online dating is a weird element in the average person's average boring life. Like buying condoms, it's a disruption in the standard illusion that most people maintain that their dirty impulses don't exist. And just like the upright individual who purchases as many rolls of tape or toothbrushes as they can to minimize the attention given to the condoms, so too these people were willing only to dabble their toes in the pool of online dating. The man quickly went back to work, the woman back to her TiVo, as if nothing had ever happened.

Seeking makeout partner - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-317755996@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 9:31AM EDT


I am not looking for sex, just looking to make out. I am a tall, thin and attractive young guy. I have been told i am cute. I just want to meet somone who wants to hang out, watch tv or a movie, share a quiet evening at home(you know, with the lights out and just the tv or some candles on) or go out to eat or to the beach or other things. I love deep passionate tounge kissing. I am a down to earth hard working blue collar guy. I live alone and i am quite smart and very kind.

Friend with Benefits - w4m - 24

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Reply to: pers-317535761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 9:46PM EDT


Looking for a friend who likes to hang out, watch TV and movies and also likes to make out. No strings attached and not looking for a sexual relationship, just looking for someone who wants to make out and have a good time. Someone who likes sports is a plus, must be someone with a good sense of humor.

A Tad Specific

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/316906761.html

How many people do you think are 53 and reading CL strictly platonic at 11:23p on a Sunday night? Of them, how many do you suppose were born on October 21 and said "Damn! So close."

Assuming you are this dude, after freaking out at the ridiculous coincidence, you learn that under the stars all thing sparkle. Hopefully in your 53 years of life, you haven't yet realized that that isn't true. Starlight is very dim compared to the amount of light necessary to make an object, especially one that isn't shiny, sparkle.

Lastly the author reveals she is 49 and can't spell "you're" or write coherently.

your born 10/20/54 - w4m

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Reply to: pers-316906761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-22, 11:23PM EDT


looking for a man born
10-20-1954
under the stars all thing sparkle
i had a dream so why not look for you
i am 49 in shape pretty and kind
single and fun

It doesn't really matter who you are

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/stp/316950418.html

The author sums up her entire existence in five words: attractive face, personality. fat ass. If that doesn't sound like an amazing epitaph, I don't know what does.

This recent divorcee and reader of the Onion runs with her posse. She doesn't specify if it's the crips or the bloods, but does hint that she runs with the tough gang that makes frequent potty stops. Watch out, she's a girl from the rough part of Fairfield county, Connecticut, and she'll fuck you up.

She's looking for a friend on the internet at 1:18am. She talks a lot about herself, her fat ass, and her divorce. She calls you a pervert, even though you haven't said a word to her yet. She admits she'll ramble on incoherently. She tells you she doesn't care at all about what you're like. She has a fat ass and she won't hook up with you. If you need her for a friend, you may have more social problems than she has.

She notifies the reader that she's "fruity and off-kilter." Thanks for the heads-up, Queen Obvious. That didn't come across at all in your fruity and off-kilter work of art.

Consider yourself lucky that you'll likely never meet.

Attractive face, personality. Fat ass. - w4m - 33

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Reply to: pers-316950418@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 1:18AM EDT


Seeking NSA conversation. I don't want to talk about my feelings, but
if you know who Smoove B. is and have read "Our Dumb Century", then we
would probably get along. I realize these are shallow criteria for
conversational compatibility, but I'm sticking with them for now. Me:
getting divorced, but not bitter. I usually run with my "posse" (with
frequent potty stops), but am not looking for anyone to get involved in my
life or drama. FYI: I'm reasonably well-traveled, educated, etc (I suppose
this is highly subjective, but I'm willing to expound) (Not like that,
you pervert). I'm severely sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, so
please be amenable to random running commentaries on completely inane
subject-matter. I am slightly fruity and off-kilter, but really happy with
my life. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the dating scene by
attempting to hone my gender-specific social skills.

You: It doesn't really matter since I won't be fucking you. No dick
shots, please.

Can't wait to hear from you so we can exchange endless e-mails replete with overt sexual tension tempered by the reality that we will likely never meet!