Let's Hope He Doesn't Start a Dynasty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/315127671.html

If I were looking for a friend on the internet, I'd probably start off by sharing my fondness for an 80s male sex icon in an obscure movie about the illegal booze trade.

But there's more to this guy than nascent homoeroticism:

1. He likes the duck-billed platypus. So if you are the one chick in America who owns one, then you're in luck.
2. Sometimes he shaves a lot, sometimes rarely, depending on the situation. This tells us a lot about the author. I bet he eats a lot sometimes, less at other times, depending on how hungry he is.
3. He likes to double bag his groceries, just in case... of what?

Let me stop this list here. Why is he telling us this? Is he trying to sound cute and quirky? Is he trying to say that his personality can't be captured in total, but instead can only be shown in bits and slices of everyday minutia?

If it's the latter, the sad truth is that no part of his list differentiates him at all from anyone. The few that are different are just weird. For example, his favorite day is Arbor Day? Really? The song you'd sing forever is the alphabet song? Honestly?

The author knows words like "trite" because of his private liberal-arts "education." Actually, most of us picked that word up after our fifth grade educations. And our wordsmith author would be well-suited to use a word besides "zest" to describe his zeal for the English language. Zest makes the mother tongue sound like a salad.

The author considers himself a man of few words. This may also be why he considers himself educated.

He also suggests everyone strive to be more like Denzel Washington (another male sex symbol!) and less like Kyle Peterson. What did Kyle Peterson do wrong? Does he mean the All-American College Baseball player? Or the title character from the ABC Family Drama Kyle XY? Does he maybe mean Scott Peterson?

In summation, this guy's hobbies include driving the speed limit and "bland soda products." And I think that about sums up why he's turned to the internet for friends.

Patrick Swayze was good in the movie RoadHouse - m4w - 22

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Reply to: pers-315127671@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-25, 10:29PM EDT


I will post a little about me...

I like the duck-billed playtapus. I shave often,
or seldom, depending on the necessity of the matter. I prefer to double bag my groceries, just to be on the safe side. Out of all the holidays, although I delight in many, my favorite is Arbor Day, because Arbor Day is
Nebraskan in origin. My favorite facial expression is the one right before someone laughs. Try to make that one!

If I could sing one song for the rest of my life it would be the alphabet song, because I believe in children's literacy, although I don't necessarily support the no child left behind policy. I am fundamentally enthralled by the Amish community and it's many wondrous virtues. I like star-gazing, because I consider it trite. I know of words such as trite because of my private liberal arts education, and zest for the English language.

I believe everyone should always aspire to be themselves... unless they are Kyle Peterson. He should try to be someone else, like maybe Denzel Washington... On Second thought, everyone should try to be more like Denzel Washington! If you are Denzel Washington, then you are doing all right!

Finally, in summation, I believe that I am a man of few words, or many depending on the person I am speaking to.

And these are my hobbies...

all out horse play, Driving the speed limit, not shaving for unusual periods of time, starting a dynasty, not sharing, taking things to seriously, blaming it on the rain, bland soda products, the munchies, David Spade, approaching the speed of light, Speaking up when when it is my turn

Pinocchia

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317935578.html

I am tired of the 9 to 5 of the day. I could really use someone to relax me away nonsexually.

Luckily I can email this doll. Now I know what you're saying... how can a doll type or receive email, let alone relax me away nonsexually? The author her/itself anticipates skepticism and mollifies her nonbelievers by saying "just wait and see."

Only serious inquire, please. Only people who seriously need an inanimate foreign object to relax them away nonsexually should email her/it.

What part of Portugal is this doll from? The part that doesn't know how to spell Portuguese correctly. Who should you ask for when you "contact this ad?" Ask for ,me, of course.

The last guy I know who befriended a living European doll ended up eaten by a whale. If this doesn't sound like the basis of a firm platonic friendship, I don't know what does.

PORTUGESE DOLL - w4m - 21 (Midtown East)

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Reply to: pers-317935578@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 2:09PM EDT


TIRED AFTER THE 9 TO 5 OF THE DAY

JUST EMAIL ME ,I CAN RELAX YOU AWAY

[THIS IS A NON-SEXUAL AD]
ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRE

IM A PORTUGESE DOLL,JUST WAIT AND SEE

CONTACT THIS AD ASK FOR ,ME

Missing the Point

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/stp/317755996.html and http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/317535761.html

What is "strictly platonic?" Dictionary.com defines it as "free from sensual desire." But, as Billy Crystal argues in When Harry Met Sally, it is perhaps true that there are no platonic relationships between men and women.

I think the argument used by these authors is that, since they claim not to want insertion, their ads are not sexual. However, I don't believe making out to be a platonic act. At the very least, this violates the word "strictly" in "strictly platonic."

The gentleman's idea of platonic is hanging out with the lights out, candles lit, and tongues passionately kissing. The woman outright asks for a friend with benefits. I think that when these two meet, they'll end up getting more action than the average casual encounters poster.

What I find fascinating, though, is why these two people chose strictly platonic for their ads. Fear? The notion that they're not "casual encounters" people, some sort of inner insistence of superiority? The distinction in their mind between kissing and sex? Frankly, at a certain age, making out often leads somewhere...

Keeping in mind that the man posted in the morning and the woman posted in the early evening, I think that online dating is a weird element in the average person's average boring life. Like buying condoms, it's a disruption in the standard illusion that most people maintain that their dirty impulses don't exist. And just like the upright individual who purchases as many rolls of tape or toothbrushes as they can to minimize the attention given to the condoms, so too these people were willing only to dabble their toes in the pool of online dating. The man quickly went back to work, the woman back to her TiVo, as if nothing had ever happened.

Seeking makeout partner - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-317755996@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-24, 9:31AM EDT


I am not looking for sex, just looking to make out. I am a tall, thin and attractive young guy. I have been told i am cute. I just want to meet somone who wants to hang out, watch tv or a movie, share a quiet evening at home(you know, with the lights out and just the tv or some candles on) or go out to eat or to the beach or other things. I love deep passionate tounge kissing. I am a down to earth hard working blue collar guy. I live alone and i am quite smart and very kind.

Friend with Benefits - w4m - 24

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Reply to: pers-317535761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 9:46PM EDT


Looking for a friend who likes to hang out, watch TV and movies and also likes to make out. No strings attached and not looking for a sexual relationship, just looking for someone who wants to make out and have a good time. Someone who likes sports is a plus, must be someone with a good sense of humor.

A Tad Specific

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/stp/316906761.html

How many people do you think are 53 and reading CL strictly platonic at 11:23p on a Sunday night? Of them, how many do you suppose were born on October 21 and said "Damn! So close."

Assuming you are this dude, after freaking out at the ridiculous coincidence, you learn that under the stars all thing sparkle. Hopefully in your 53 years of life, you haven't yet realized that that isn't true. Starlight is very dim compared to the amount of light necessary to make an object, especially one that isn't shiny, sparkle.

Lastly the author reveals she is 49 and can't spell "you're" or write coherently.

your born 10/20/54 - w4m

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Reply to: pers-316906761@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-22, 11:23PM EDT


looking for a man born
10-20-1954
under the stars all thing sparkle
i had a dream so why not look for you
i am 49 in shape pretty and kind
single and fun

It doesn't really matter who you are

http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/stp/316950418.html

The author sums up her entire existence in five words: attractive face, personality. fat ass. If that doesn't sound like an amazing epitaph, I don't know what does.

This recent divorcee and reader of the Onion runs with her posse. She doesn't specify if it's the crips or the bloods, but does hint that she runs with the tough gang that makes frequent potty stops. Watch out, she's a girl from the rough part of Fairfield county, Connecticut, and she'll fuck you up.

She's looking for a friend on the internet at 1:18am. She talks a lot about herself, her fat ass, and her divorce. She calls you a pervert, even though you haven't said a word to her yet. She admits she'll ramble on incoherently. She tells you she doesn't care at all about what you're like. She has a fat ass and she won't hook up with you. If you need her for a friend, you may have more social problems than she has.

She notifies the reader that she's "fruity and off-kilter." Thanks for the heads-up, Queen Obvious. That didn't come across at all in your fruity and off-kilter work of art.

Consider yourself lucky that you'll likely never meet.

Attractive face, personality. Fat ass. - w4m - 33

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Reply to: pers-316950418@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-23, 1:18AM EDT


Seeking NSA conversation. I don't want to talk about my feelings, but
if you know who Smoove B. is and have read "Our Dumb Century", then we
would probably get along. I realize these are shallow criteria for
conversational compatibility, but I'm sticking with them for now. Me:
getting divorced, but not bitter. I usually run with my "posse" (with
frequent potty stops), but am not looking for anyone to get involved in my
life or drama. FYI: I'm reasonably well-traveled, educated, etc (I suppose
this is highly subjective, but I'm willing to expound) (Not like that,
you pervert). I'm severely sleep-deprived and over-caffeinated, so
please be amenable to random running commentaries on completely inane
subject-matter. I am slightly fruity and off-kilter, but really happy with
my life. I'm just trying to prepare myself for the dating scene by
attempting to hone my gender-specific social skills.

You: It doesn't really matter since I won't be fucking you. No dick
shots, please.

Can't wait to hear from you so we can exchange endless e-mails replete with overt sexual tension tempered by the reality that we will likely never meet!

Megalomania gets me all hot and bothered, too

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/315354014.html

One of the things that frequently impresses me about the CL casual encounters community is the healthy sense of self-worth that most of these folks seem to have. You'd think that one's ego would be smarting a little bit because: 1) you have to go on the internet to get laid and 2) you actually went ahead and did it. But no, most of these people seem quite content.

This guy is a perfect example. His game-plan here seems to be: insult a broad class of women, make outrageous claims about himself, and they'll all come flocking, although it intrigues me that there are hundreds of "horny, barely-legal school girls" trolling casual encounters, using their "slut-senses" to seek out men who will likely insult them. And apparently this guy must be a real stud, because aside from referring to himself as "the Chosen One," he's through with all the other sluts and has returned to posting on CL.

Another plus: he ends his post with what seems to be a totally new injection: WOY!

Listen sluts... - m4w - 31

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Reply to: pers-315354014@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-20, 9:40AM EDT


If you are reading this, you know you're a slut.

It's all well and good if your a slut, but you've got to be my slut for it to do me any good.

Email me a pic and tell me what you'll do for me.

Try to make a good first impression because I get hundreds of responses from horny, barely-legal school girls when I post on CL.

Somehow, using their slut-senses they just know I'm the "Chosen One".

The pimp-force is strong within me... Can you feel it tugging on your G-spot?

Gimme dat! WOY!

The Cosmological Argument

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/315327072.html

This poster is looking for some hot, causal sex. Unlike most posters, who loook for no-strings-attached sex, this good looking latino is loooking for sex with consequences.

The author insists you snd a pic and some info about yourself. I guess he's afraid you'll just send a blank email in response. And what would be the causal result of that? If I had to guess, based on how desperate guys on craigslist are, he'd probably try to have sex with you anyway.

GOOD LOOKING LATINO LOOKING TO MEET A SEXY FEMALE FOR CAUSAL SEX - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-315327072@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-20, 8:32AM EDT


IM LOOOKING TO MEET A SEXY FEMALE FOR HOT CAUSAL SEX, LADIES ONLY AND MUST HAVE A PIC....MUST ALSO SND SOME INFO ABOUT YOUR SELF

Ol' King Cole

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/314740821.html

Hi, Ladies. The author of this ad just wants to you to know one thing: he has the pole.

Glasses drop from hands and shatter on the ground! Men in tuxedos bolt from their parties and into the streets. Police sirens echo off in the distance. Santa Claus suddenly questions whether his land has been invaded.

He has the pole!

The author only realized this at 10:20am this morning. Oh my goodness! I have the pole! He raced to craigslist to share the news.

Further, he is looking a hole to plant his pole. Not only is that big news, but it rhymes! How often does that happen?

The author only wants women who are interesting to email him. I think any woman who reads this and even considers emailing this guy is, by definition, interesting to say the least.

Then, without any punctuation at all, the author thanks you for reading. What a gracious guy. No wonder the gods entrusted him with the one and only pole.

i have the pole - m4w - 38

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Reply to: pers-314740821@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-19, 10:21AM EDT


hi ladies just want you to know that i have the pole and am looking a hole to plant my pole so if you are intresting email me thank you all for reading

Paging Doctor Stupid

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/314025437.html

The author of this ad is a self-described "romantic." Nothing says romantic more than licking ass for money.

For some reason, the author thinks he can make it as a gigolo. He can get money for what every other m4w poster on craigslist is begging to give away for free. He also mysteriously insists that his services are only to be available to doctors and medical students. Because there's a group of people with low enough self esteem to do this... (also a group of people who don't realize the ridiculous grossness of having a stranger's tongue up your anus).

Great legs a plus! That's refreshing, since most guys hate great legs.

I'm especially fond of this guy's billing options: per diem or monthly stipend, first visit free. I think whatever doctor woman falls for this should diagnose this guy with ridiculously large balls.

SEEKING FEMALE MDs OR MEDICAL STUDENTS - m4ww

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Reply to: pers-314025437@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-18, 3:35AM EDT


romantic, clean, discreet male seeks respectful financially secure female md for a whats missing in my life relationship with caring tenderness and special moments. if you would like to receive great oral sex both back and front, i am available to come to to your home or office on a per diem basis in exchange for a monthly stipend(first visit free) i will go places your husband or boyfriend wont. specializing in female MDs + med students only! round butt and great legs a plus! give me a shout when you are ready! you wont be dissapointed and reciprocation is not necessary!

If a tree falls in the forest...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/cas/313580379.html

If a woman takes advantage of you and you're not awake to see it, what was the point? Also, how is this guy so confident that he'll have an erection while he's passed out. On that note, how does he intend to ensure he'll be passed out?

My only guess is, Romeo and Juliet style, he'll overdose on Valium and Viagra and wait for his beloved to meet him.

I find it odd this gentleman calls his erection "raging" considering the rest of him is "comatose."

I also find it odd that this dude insists on having a woman. It's not like he'd know the difference.

If I were this dude's friend, I would just take the condom, splash some water on his pants, and leave. The next morning, he'll be as happy as a kid with bubble wrap. If I were any rational woman, though, my way of "taking advantage" of this dude would be taking his wallet and getting the heck out of the hotel.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I AM PASSED OUT - m4w - 36

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Reply to: pers-313580379@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-17, 1:23PM EDT


HERE'S THE SCENARIO, YOU COME TO MY LOCAL HOTEL ROOM TONITE AROUND 10PM, I LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN, YOU COME INTO THE ROOM AND FIND ME PASSED OUT ON THE BED. BEST OF ALL I HAVE A RAGING ERECTION. NOW YOU CAN COMPLETELY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. DO WHATEVER YOU DESIRE INCLUDING MOUNTING MY COCK. I WILL LEAVE A RUBBER ON THE BED IF YOU WISH TO DO SO. GET IN TOUCH EMAIL OR IM ON YAHOO:
[EMAIL ADDRESS] AT YAHOO DOT COM

About 4 cubits

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/313321797.html

I'm unsure as to why this woman is posting on casual encounters. Is she looking for an explanation, or anonymous sex? Were she looking for the latter, she would be well-advised to stick to the basics, like "5-foot-4, 330 lb BBW in Brooklyn looking for NSA sex with blonde guy." Instead, she's trying to get all cute, and ask questions, without actually specifying how large she is. It won't work. I know, because whenever I pretend to be a fat chick trolling the internet for some love, dudes never get back to me when I don't give specifics. Believe me, I do this all the time.

When you Guys Say BBW How Big Do You Actually Mean?!? - w4m

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Reply to: pers-313321797@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-17, 12:08AM EDT


Well the title pretty much says it all. Do you mean Big as in Rosie ODonnell Big, big as in Monique (the comedian big) or big/full figured like with a shape still?

I dont think I get the term, please help!

This guy must have a friend in Chicago

http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/cas/312959861.html

Reminds me a lot of this dude. Maybe they should hang out. Although this guy has the courtesy to pay you, rather than sneak in and try on your underwear.

I wonder what you'd have to do to earn $100 from this guy.

I'll Buy Your Used Thongs - m4w - 34

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Reply to: pers-312959861@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-16, 2:05PM EDT

Just like the title says. You stop by my place. You remove your pants, remove the thong (or panties) you've been wearing all day, give them to me, and I give you $25. No sex required or expected. You just have to do this in front of me so I know that you were really wearing them. I'll pay you $50 if you pee in them in front of me, and $75 if you masturbate to orgasm while wearing them in front of me.

I'm white, mid 30's, self-employed professional. If interested, shoot me an e-mail, attach your pic, and let me know when you want to do this. Can become a regular thing if we click. Great for CSI students as I'm very close by and free during the day.

Tougher than Carmen Sandiego

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/309782027.html

The author of this ad wants to know where the European men are hiding.

Where? Hmmm.... It's not as if every map or globe has a big land mass labeled EUROPE on it, telling you exactly where a gigantic continent full of European men is.

EUROtrip - w4m

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Reply to: pers-309782027@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-11, 1:46AM EDT


i want a sexy european man who has that suave aura surrounding him, where you guys hiding at?! ;)

Notes on Chicago

The Casual Encounters community of Chicago is strong. It has much in common with the New York community: frequent posts, mostly normal and a good number strange. A few observations:

1. Not as many BBWs, or at the very least, not as many people identifying themselves as BBWs in their ads. I expected more since people are heavier in the midwest, but my theory is that since corpulence is more common in Chicago than New York, larger women are able to procure sex without the internet more effectively than their heavy sisters in New York.
2. A weird background check procedure. This isn't super frequent, but several posters have posted ads asking if they have heard of a particular person and determining their reputation. This sounds odd to me since the person you're checking up on can also see your request for information and possibly send you fake beneficial information. (As I was looking for more examples of this, I noticed that all of them have been taken down.)
   
3. Far, far fewer posts WRITUN AZ IF AUTHR WUZ 6 YRS OLD. WURD.
4. About 1/3 fewer total posts than NY's Craigslist, but still a lot, especially considering the fact that the New York metropolitan area is about twice the size of Chicago's. Chicago people however, can drive to new neighborhoods for sex far easier than a New York person can take a long subway ride to another neighborhood. This makes casual encounters far more useful in Chicago than New York.

Free association

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/cas/312499908.html

There's something about this that reminds me of the tooth fairy. The tooth fairy, from what I remember, comes at night, takes a tooth, and leaves you a dollar or something for your troubles. This guy comes into your apartment at night and jerks off in your partner's underwear. I'm not sure how that relates to the tooth fairy, but I just can't shake the feeling.

watch me wear your wife or gfs underwear while shes out - 24

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Reply to: pers-312499908@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-15, 5:21PM CDT


I want to sneak over while your gf or wife is out, and go through her panty drawer and put on a few things. You can watch, and j/o if you'd like. I'd happily also rub one out while I'm wearing her panties if you'd like to see that. If this sounds like fun to you, drop me a line!

Wisdom cums with age

http://chicago.craigslist.org/nwc/cas/310767109.html

The author of this ad is a little older, and thus a little more mature.

She needs someone to ease the throbbing between her legs. She wants you to help her get a small butt fuck going. Not a big butt fuck, nothing serious.

She apparently has pirate ancestry when she writes, "Help me use a dildo in me pussy" Yarr! Ahoy matey! She wants "trash talk stimulation," which I guess would go something like "You're old! Get out of the bed!" and would somehow egg her on.

Spanking ok. No hitting. Riddle me that, Batman.

The author needs sex and she needs it soon. Or else who knows what she'll become?

Wet and wanting - w4m - 50

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Reply to: pers-310767109@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-12, 4:04PM CDT


Need someone to ease the throbbing between my legs. Need big man with staying power to massage pussy till I scream. Mouth music necessary. Finger fucking good for dessert. I need to cum a lot. You must be d/d-free. Some 420 ok. Some alcohol ok. Don't want to talk. Also want trash talk stimulation. Talk the talk, walk the walk, fuck me until I scream and then don't stop. Make me beg. Finger me in the ass. Help me get a small butt fuck going. Help me use a dildo in me pussy while you butt finger me would make me your slave. Spanking ok. No hitting. My juices are dripping like made. I'm a screamer anyway so my place is ok. I also like to be on top for maximum thrusting but would do bottom for a 12+ incher.

Let me know what your best moves are. I need sex and I need it soon. If you're good and get me satisfied, may lead to long-term physical only relationship. Don't talk to me. Just whip out that big juicy schlong, let me see those veins pulse and let's get it on and in.

Macauly Culkin

http://chicago.craigslist.org/nch/cas/310249352.html

Just like the classic John Hughes film Home Alone, this adventure takes place in Chicago. Our plucky protagonist is just a little bit older than Kevin McAllister though. He's 25.

When Kevin Sr. told us he was home alone, I thought he was posting because this was a rare occasion. Finally! The house to myself! Time to take advantage of this opportunity! He cleared that up really fast by saying he has the place to himself every day because he lives by himself and has no friends.

He invites no one to his home because he's afraid of weirdos or crazies. PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS ABOUT HOW THEY ARE ALWAYS ALONE SHOULDN'T BE THE ONES AFRAID OF WEIRDOS. Also, you're the one who wants to handcuff and blindfold a woman while you molest her. I again contend you're not the one who should be afraid.

The author shares the fact that he has fantasized about having a guest who wants him badly. He calls that the "weird part" of his story. That's the least weird part of his story. In fact, that's actually normal.

The author says he likes to go down on "her" (you?) like there's no tomorrow. If the world was ending tomorrow, I don't know if I'd spend the entirety of my last hours with my head between a woman's legs. I'd probably call my loved ones and tell them I love them or maybe do one last good deed to redeem my soul (which Kevin does in New York!). Something stupid like that. Or maybe just panic and cry.

The author wants you to hurry but then says he's not available until tomorrow. What's the hurry? Does he have to adjust his schedule, which right now seems to be filled with sitting home alone? Apparently not, since he's free every day between tomorrow and the day he becomes occupied with defending his house against comic intruders with a series of elaborate traps.

HOME ALONE, LOOKING FOR NSA HOOKUP - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-310249352@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-11, 6:59PM CDT


I AM ALL ALONE IN MY PLACE, LIVE BY MYSELF. I HAVE THE PLACE BY MYSELF EVERYDAY, BUT I HAVE NEVER INVITED ANYONE HOME FOR THE FEAR OF SOME WEIRDO OR CRAZY GIRL.
BUT THE REAL WEIRD PART IS THAT I HAVE ALWAYS FANTASIZED HAVING SOMEONE OVER WHO WANTS ME BAAADDDD.

I LOVE 69, DOGGY STYLE, COWBOY RIDE AND MOST OF ALL, I LOVE TO GO DOWN ON HER. NOT JUST FOR A MIN OR TWO. I MEAN GO DOWN LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW. I WANT HER TO CUM ON MY FACE, I WANT HER TO CUM A FEW TIMES SO THAT SHE CAN PULL ME UP BEGGING ME TO ENTER HER...

I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ENDLESS EMAILS, HOWEVER I DO LIKE TO FIRST KNOW WHO I M CALLING OVER. I AM HORNY, NOT DESPERATE. I AM WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING THAT IS SAFE AND FUN.

IF YOU HAVE HANDCUFFS, I WOULD LOVE TO BLINDFOLD YOU WHILE I HANDCUFF YOU AND THEN GO DOWN ON YOU....PLEASE HURRY...WE CAN MEET TOMORROW EVENING, FRIDAY, OVER THE WEEKEND...YOU NAME IT....

I AM D/D FREE, WITH NO BS, NO DRAMA. I JUST HOPE YOU ARE TOO.

GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF US.

Still on Scandanavian Time

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/cas/309208193.html

The author of this ad is looking for a professional guy... who is looking for sex on the internet at 6:36am.

She makes two seperate requests for a Brooks Brothers masculine man. I don't know if Brooks Brothers makes spiked leather jackets in Sweden, but in America they mostly make embroidered frills for the foppish elite, so maybe she may be thinking of Abercrombie or maybe even Hanes. At least they had Michael Jordan.

She asks some very reasonable questions:

1. What kind of man are you? (besides the type looking for sex on the internet)
   
2. What do you look like?
3. Can you explain the American fascination with circumcision?

Maybe I can help with #3. The thing is, most guys in America who are circumcised, didn't pick it. It happened when we were really young and we had no say in the matter. And if you ask us why, we just mutter something about doctors saying it's better. We don't know. Most of us forgot we had foreskin at all, so it's not really a fascination.

I especially love the last sentence, which kind of recaps the whole ad and also gives you her address, in case you're a clean cut professional by day, and a weekend-stubble stalker by night.

Scandinavian Woman for Clean cut, Professional Guy - w4m - 32

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Reply to: pers-309208193@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-10, 6:36AM CDT


Visiting professional woman in search of clean cut/brooks brothers type masculine man for sensual sexual encounter


5'8" 130 lbs, woman that runs daily.
Smaller perky B cup breasts.

Love a clean cut, professional guy with Brooks Brothers looks.
Weekend stubble and walks on the beach are great. Did I mention I love to kiss?

Be disease free, 21-55 years old and a nonsmoker.
Give me some idea of what type of man you are. What do you look like? Can you explain the American fascination with circumcision?What do you like to read? Do shows do you enjoy on TV?

European woman In Chicago for work and staying on N. Mich Ave.

Get me out of the Gutter

http://chicago.craigslist.org/sox/cas/309741660.html

I guess you're in the midwest when people drink pop and an extramarital affair can be just bowling. Back in New York, the bored have different things on their mind.

I like that the author knows "a good little bowling alley" tucked away somewhere far from the prying eyes of the community. It's a scandalous place where everyone in town takes their paramours for nights of forbidden bowling.

I don't think it's even AMF-approved.

Bored, Wanna bowl tonight? - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-309741660@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-10, 10:50PM CDT


I know a good little bowling alley where we can have a few beers (or pops) and bowl a couple of games. Not looking for anything more really, just someone who likes to have fun and maybe hasn't in a while. I am married and would prefer you were too but that doesn't matter.

Hugh Hefner, Jr.

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/cas/309284213.html

Hello ladies. The author of this ad, whom I will call Hugh Hefner because of his suave literary style and Chicago heritage, is looking for something slightly discreet. That's like keeping something "kind of a secret" or having "just a little bit of herpes."

Mr. Hefner is as used to posting ads here as he is with using the written English word, so he doesn't know what to ecpect. For example, he loves oral all day. Surprise the author by showing him why 24 hours of oral sex isn't a good idea.

The author is from wrigle field. When I google that, google asks me if I meant Wrigley Field. I did not, since this guy wrote "wrigle" twice and surely he knows where he lives.

The most perplexing part of the ad is "I stay near sox 35. 2 baseball fields and I don't even like baseball like that. I shouldn't have wrote that." I'm from outside of Chicago, so I don't know what sox 35 is, but Hef says he doesn't like baseball like that? Like what? More than a friend? And then he apologizes and says "I shouldn't have wrote that?" Do computers in Chicago have backspace keys?

He continues, "Older women please apply anyone younger than I." There's a sentence that could mean two entirely opposite things.

Hef proposes a list of reasons you'll like him:

1. I read write and recite poetry. Based on how he wrote this ad, I can only imagine how great his poetry is. Also, he recites poetry? Who does that? And where?
   
2. I dance(not for money but I shorely would). His first thought after "I dance" was "not for money." It takes a cultured guy to not realize that most dancers aren't stripping pole-dancers. But it takes an even more cultured guy to admit he'd be a stripper if he could.
   
3. I got a nice stroke to my pelvis area. ? My best guess is that his brain is in his pelvis and as a result it was deprived of oxygen. That would explain a lot.

This guy is 4real (and not everyone is!). He'll bag a beautiful apllicant from a pool of millions of apllications. Belive me. Check it out.

4real apllicants only- m4w - 21

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Reply to: pers-309284213@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-10, 10:04AM CDT


Hello ladies. I'm looking for something real and slightly discreet(depending on how hooked I get). Looks are not a major factor but you must have some attraction. I'm only looking to have a good friendship with benefits and just one person. I'm not used to posting adds here so I don't know what to ecpect. Suprise me. I'm into oral all day. I love eating pussy, love fucking long and good. I have no girlfriend so This one girl can get all of my attention. I am affectionate at times so I will cuddle and hug. Maybe such a friendship could turn out to a permanent relationship. I start work a 5 today. I don't have school today so I'm free after I get off. I'm near wrigle field. I got pictures to trade if you want to exchange. I stay near sox 35. 2 baseball fields and I don't even like baseball like that. I shouldn't have wrote that. Anyway Older women please apply anyone younger than I, I'm straight. I'm darkskinned 5"11 160lbs, low cut hair, I read write and recite poetry I dance(not for money but I shorely would)and I got a nice stroke to my pelvis area. belive me. I'm not looking for a 1 night stand. Check it out. Send a pic to get it started early or send a response and hopefully we could get it started another time. I will respond if you send me an e-mail.

Drink lots of water

http://chicago.craigslist.org/nch/cas/308308452.html

Chicago week begins with this short but weird ad.

Let's assume I understand why this woman needs a man's help to pee her pants (it seems like a one woman job), I have no idea how a man's going to help her.

I know three methods of inducing pant-pee:

1. Humor - But that's not humiliating, is it? Also, you'd have to be damn funny to make someone pee their pants through humor on command.
2. Drinking lots of water - Again, this isn't the sort of thing you need a stranger on the internet to help you with
3. While your friend is at a sleep-over, dipping their hand in warm water while they sleep - embarrassing, I guess, if you were twelve.

I think the most humiliating part of this experience would probably just be admitting to another human being that you thought this would be a good idea.

girl wants to be made to pee her pants - w4m - 26

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Reply to: pers-308308452@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-08, 4:34PM CDT


I want someone to humiliate me by making me pee myself

hypnosis/foot worship

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/308442527.html

If I were a female hypnotist, I wouldn't need CL to get men/foot worship.

Seeking female hypnotist/domme - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-308442527@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-08, 10:57PM EDT


want to put me under your spell?? Put me in a trance?? Make me your hypnotized love slave?? open to all things hypnosis/foot worship. REAL GREAT!! BUT ROLEPLAY WELCOME.

I'll be waiting to hear from you

Autobiography, Chapter One

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/308193358.html

Some day in the future, a great leader will begin his memoirs with the story of how his parents met. His father was going in for some kind of surgery that would render him sterile, possibly because he was a sex offender. As any guy would do before the surgery, he posted on CL looking for an Asian woman who:

1. Had never had a kid before
2. Wanted to have her first child not with the man of her dreams or a longtime love, but with someone desperately seeking eggs on the internet
3. Despite never having made a child before, is willing to start within the next month because of an internet ad

The author has pretty high standards. For example, he wants the mother of his children to "not have genetic problems."

What more do you need to know about the father of your first child, besides w/m and 6'2"?

Chapter One of this autobiography will entirely explain Chapter Eight: Years of Therapy.

Seeking Asian woman to have child - m4w

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Reply to: pers-308193358@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-08, 1:02PM EDT


Seeking a Asian woman 22-35 to have a child. Need to not have genetic problems and not had any children before. Need to be ready in next month or so before my surgery. I am w/m, 6'2".

I shall want for nothing

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/307108678.html

I shall want for nothing. The author of this ad is want to suck himself. I couldn't find an online explanation for that idiom, but I think it means he doesn't want to blow himself, which is odd since most people would be intrigued by the possibility.

This ad is a combination of short succinct statements and a run-on sentence/erotic disaster.

First a command: You come here. Yes, sir!

Next: we don't talk/you fellate me/you bend over and we have sex/without talking I signal that I'm about to climax and you flip around and I ejaculate on your face/you leave (presumably without the opportunity to wash your face, making you the weirdest looking chick on the subway).

Next: Are you interested? How could I not be!? Between me doing all the work (including transporting myself to and from your apartment), receiving no pleasure in return, and not even talking to this weird stranger who came on my face, what's the possible downside?

Lastly: The author is 6 fit tall.

I am want to suck me - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-307108678@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-06, 10:58AM EDT


You come here. We don't talk you go down on your knees and pull out my dick and suck it first and then you bend over and I fuck you I come on your face and you leave. let me know if you interested. I am 6 fit tall, 172 lbs.

Better than Jesus

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/307078338.html

The author of this ad feels that Good Friday can be improved. True, the day in its current form recognizes the heroic death of Jesus Christ for all of our sins, and that's good... but not great. Maybe a "pic for pic" and passionate "get together" can improve on Jesus' incomplete work.

What ever happened to the last guy who claimed to be bigger than Jesus?

Let's have a Great Friday - m4w (Upper West Side)

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Reply to: pers-307078338@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-06, 9:57AM EDT


I have the day off (first one in a while) and thought I would try this. About me: I am white, well educated and considered attractive; brown hair/eyes, 6'1", 200lbs. I desire a passionate get together with an intelligent, confident woman. I am safe, drug & disease free, and have brown hair, hazel eyes. pic for pic

A Cinderella Story

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What makes a great first date?

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/306351591.html

I see the Bellobration ads in the subway every morning. They feature this weird looking clown named Bello. He's Swiss, his socks don't match, his suit is comically oversized, and his hair is gelled so high up that he looks perpetually surprised (I'm being kidnapped by elephants... again!?!?)(which I guess is worthy of shock considering the reverse is usually true). I'm guessing there exist people in the world for whom the gross spectacle of the circus is amusing.

The other thing I don't like about Bellobration is that is passes itself off as something new. This isn't just the circus, it's Bellobration! But we all know, it's the same shtick. Oh look, tigers. Oh look, elephants. Oh look, Morgan Stanley is proud to sponsor this dreck.

So the author of this ad buys tickets to this circus for the one day a week he gets custody of his kids from his divorced wife. This guy sounds like a winner already. Further, he buys the tickets for Easter Sunday. Nothing tells kids that I'm a good father who respects the holiest day of the Christian year than tickets to see elephants.

I bet this caught him by surprise, too. He totally had a screaming match on the phone with his ex-wife. "Louanne! I spent $30 on circus tickets." "Kirk, it's Easter Sunday Morning! We'll be in Church!" "Damnit! You can't go the next day? I spent $30!"

So what does this amazing father/Christian do next? Rather than waste $30, this specimen of humanity goes on CL and tries to find a sexual partner to go to the circus with him. True, he recognizes that most competent, adult, online sluts probably don't have plans to attend the circus. But he tries to spin that to his advantage. Beautiful... nay... Bello!

Also, I don't know if you're familiar with dating, but an ideal first date is one where you have the ability to talk/get to know each other. I hope you can shout over circus music, applause, and lion roars.

He makes it clear from the outset that he won't pay for parking, so I hope you have a metrocard/taste for cheapskate deadbeat dads and secondhand circus tickets.

I don't know what he means by "we can both be a little crazy." I think by agreeing to this debacle, you've already hit your recommended daily allowance of crazy. He suggests you dress to impress. Impress whom? The tigers? The clowns in white face paint and oversized pants with fake flowers falling out of the pockets? The author?

Well maybe you should dress nice. After all, it is Easter.

WANT TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.........and we might enjoy the company - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-306351591@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-04, 11:37PM EDT


WANT TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.........and we might enjoy the company

here is the thing....got 3 tickets to see the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Bellobration....got them 4 my kids unfortunantly for Easter sunday their mother wont let them come..... great seats I can pick you up but we going to have to take the train there, parking is sick in the city.....looking for a fun cutie to take on that date and if we click maybe more, hit me up lets chat for a day maybe a drink on friday, I'll be sane as long as you are, but we both can get a little crazy..the show is this sunday at 11am...dress to impress as will I

I'm 28 5'7 150lbs in shape...fun with the right company... pic for pic

this one 4 u girl

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/305789324.html

This one goes out to one special girl. U know who U R.

The author wants you to call him!!!!!! This is weird considering the one fact I know about you is that you just called him.

In case you think the author fell asleep immediately after you called him, be informed that the author is up, and about, posting on the internet, and ready to eat your ass.

It's weird that the author gives you his phone number (with no area code, what is this, 1996?) considering the fact you just called him.

This slice of life ends in a cliffhanger. The author reveals that he will cum by to eat Keesha's ass if... If what!? Keesha, for all of us, you gotta call to find out!

THIS IS FOR KEESHA THAT JUST CALLED ME FROM JAMAICA QUEENS - m4w - 27

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Reply to: pers-305789324@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-04, 2:25AM EDT


CALL ME !!!!!!!!!!!!SEND ME U R PIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE SIX ONE [NUMBER] [NUMBER] [NUMBER] [NUMBER]. IM STILL UP AND I WILL CUM BY TO EAT YOUR ASS AND PUSSY TONIGHT IF

This here boob is pasty

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/305577212.html

The learned and scholarly author of this literary masterpiece needs him an older white women. Just one white women, please. What kind? I guess a fu@#!ing one. I think I can guess what letters the @ and # replaced (c and k?) but I'm stumped as to what the ! is covering up. Does the author want a fuckling white women, perhaps? Ile love to taste one of those, too.

The author is a fan of ALL CAPS, which he chooses to drop only when giving his abbreviated race: P. Rican.

The author is also confused about his age. In the title of the ad, he's 23, in the body he's 21. Also, in the substance of the ad he says he's P. Rican, but he writes it like he's a Tennessee Forest Dweller with a second grade education. Conflicts abound!

I NEED ME AN OLDER WHITE WOMEN - m4w - 23 (Union Square)

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Reply to: pers-305577212@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-03, 6:38PM EDT


I'M GOING TO KEEP THIS SHORT. I NEED A FU@#!ING WHITE WOMEN. I NEVER HAD ME A WHITE LADY AND ILE LOVE TO TASTE IT. I'M A 21YR OLD P.Rican. I HAVE PICS AND I WILL TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE CITY. IF YOUR WHITE AND YOU WANT A GOOD TIME JUST REPLY. P.S. YOU MUST HOST.

Existential = Weird * Stupid

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/305271541.html

The author of this ad conflates the following two concepts:

1. Existentialism: the tension between the individual and the "public"; an emphasis on the worldly or "situated" character of human thought and reason; a fascination with liminal experiences of anxiety, death, the "nothing" and nihilism; the rejection of science (and above all, causal explanation) as an adequate framework for understanding human being; and the introduction of "authenticity" as the norm of self-identity, tied to the project of self-definition through freedom, choice, and commitment
2. Having a drink with a total stranger in complete silence, somehow signaling to him for no reason at all in mime-speak that you want to sleep with him, and then letting him into your home/bed/vagina.

Even deaf people don't do this, and for good reason. It's creepy!

This dude doesn't even have his own apartment/bed to take you back to. Doesn't that alarm you at all?

Further, the author wants to avoid a situation where you'd have to have a bartender hear you order drinks, and yet he expects you to "sip... drinks in complete silence." Where did those drinks come from? Maybe you should post a CL ad looking for a bartender willing to play this stupid game, too. Or bring your own drinks.

The author thinks this is romantic. You can tell he's a guy because his idea of romance involves a stranger, cuts out all of the talking and incorporates only looks and sex.

The author thinks this is a perfect escape from society's noise. Have you ever been silent in a crowd? All you can hear is society's noise. I'm no Heidegger (or Franzen), but I think the best escape is just being alone.

An Existential Date - m4w - 30

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Reply to: pers-305271541@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-03, 10:34AM EDT


I have a fantasy that I call an Existential Date, or 'Silent Date'. In it we email pics to one another, but we don't exchange long winded emails. After we both decide there's a possible attraction, we plan to meet somewhere in public like a bar of coffee shop. However, when we meet, we say nothing to one another, not even hello. Rather, we do whatever it takes to avoid any situation that would result in hearing the other's voice - a bartender taking our order, a stranger asking for directions.

We sit across from one another, sipping our drinks in complete silence, a bit nervous and probably congratulating each other for having gotten that far. We probably study each other's body language consciously or unconsciously. Finally, after we've finished our drinks we exchange a sign. If either of us sign "no", we part like friends, perhaps to meet again or perhaps not. If we both sign "yes", we go back to your place. Only after we've been together do we get to hear each other's voice. I can only imagine we'd have an interesting conversation.

I don't know why this situation appeals to me. Perhaps it just seems like the perfect escape from society's noise. And in a strange way somehow romantic.

Me: 6'4", in shape, very good looking, short blond hair (and don't worry, I have a normal voice!)

plz dont tell the dental ethicists

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/304575063.html

I don't have a D.D.S., but I think this is a bad idea. All day long, a denist has to deal with gross mouths and messed up teeth. So why would you think a dentist would find your gross mouth attractive?

Further, how sexy are you if you're in serious need of dental work? By revealing that you desperately need dental work (and quite desperately it seems), you're revealing that either

1. You have teeth poking out in the wrong directions
2. You have open sores in your mouth or
   
3. Your teeth are falling out
   

I'm in to all kinds of crazy things, but none of those really sound like turn-ons, to be honest.

Also, who are you to demand that this guy be a "licensed" dentist? He won't be for long if he does this, or are you not familiar with Section 2G of the American Dental Association's Principles of Professional Conduct or with the ADA Policy on Gift Giving to Dentists. Or did you at least see Steve Martin's least funny movie ever?

However, in your defense, the ADA has no specific rule saying "Don't trade root canals for hand jobs on the internet." So maybe you're in the clear.

are you a dentist help me plz - w4m - 26

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Reply to: pers-304575063@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-02, 6:18AM EDT


sexy woman in need of dental work. Will trade services with you.
Must be a licensed dentist please no games this is a real need and I am willing to provide a thoroughly good time in exchange for it.
contact me for pics