A way with words

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/258323626.html

The author of this post tells you about four sexual encounters he had. Then he tells you these stories again. Then he asks you to email him to ask him to retell one of the stories a third time. Once was really more than necessary.

This post is far too long to mock line-by-line. Instead, I'd just like to list some quotes that I think are amazing:

1. "Hot newsanchor/CEO type woman" - What? What CEO of a media company is also the anchorwoman on its news broadcast?
2. "the best blowjobber by far" - My favorite Rolling Stones song was "Blowjobber Blues"
3. "good old fash cock/pussy intercourse" - Old fash!
4. "ye' olde clitoris" -
1. This chick must have been really really old
2. Why is there an apostrophe after ye?
5. "If not careful, her bottom could become A BOTTOM." - I hope she was careful, or she could have ended up IN ALL CAPS.
6. "It was great! but it wasn't good for me at all" - This guy is totally ridiculous! but he is the wisest man alive.
   

My "corporate wanker" to "handyman stud" sex tales - m4w

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Reply to: pers-258323626@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-05, 10:23PM EST


It took 40 years for me to have wild, unexpected sexual romps with some mighty fine ladies. I thought 40 would be "dad years" and being practical. I had me a real good time instead :) It all started when job I had for 12 years in corporate America was outsourced...for good. I had made a big mistake by joining in the management craze instead of staying skilled and up to date on technologies. But I went from feeling helpless over my future (and I'll admit this now...feeling a bit wormy and wimpy about it) to putting on a toolbelt, letting my hair grow just a tad, putting on steel toe work boots, and not caring one bit about not ever wanting to go back to shirt-and-tie. Who knew that a stunning 38 year old woman would randomly give me the best blowjob of my life? Who knew a nice, polite, conservative Indian doctor and I would go on a nature hike and we'd wind up acting out "the birds and the bees"? How could I have known the future also held love making with a mom of teenage daughters who hadn't had sex in four years? I always felt 3somes were immoral...just may have peaked at a few two babes/one guy porn posts but to actually engage in one? Nope, not me. That opens a door that I think may not be a good idea to enter through. Whoops...scratch 3some of the list thanks to two 25 years olds. I never had a one night stand in my life. I never chased women. I had morals, ethics, and values. I had loving commited relationships. How did these 4 sexual romps within 2 years span happen? I had no explanation other than "the handyman fantasy". They all resulted from women hiring me to work for them or someone hiring me and they just happened to be there. I won't say all women fell into my persuassions since I worked for a lot, or near a lot of women in my tool belt. But there were quite a few flirties who just wanted to watch or investigate and there were 4 who went all the way.

I had always been tall, attractive, nice guy but never a lady's man nor ever a guy that worked on being sexy. I just think I went from tired, righteous, corporate guy to desired, hunky, friendly, irresistable handyman because that's what was in the cards for me. I have no explanation but I'll share these stories with you because I've never shared them with anyone for fear of being judged "you did what?!!" from my familiar crowd who I also have slowly faded from. But I have to tell someone! So I'll tell you.

You choose from these which one you want to hear about. I give you all the hot details.

1) Hot newsanchor/CEO type woman (extremely good looking, nicely dressed and smart) springs a completely out of nowhere cock sucking for all ages...perhaps because she thinks I'm a younger guy and I don't let on I'm not. I'm stunned and shocked as nothing like this has evey remotely come close to happening before. She is the best looking woman I've ever been sexual with and she's the best blowjobber by far. I'm a nice guy...nice guys get to do things like this.

2) Very nice person needs work done to her house before she sells. A doctor from India, she's pleasant, nice, friendly. She likes nature walks...I recommend a place she should go. She emails to ask if I know a group that might hike there. I email back saying I'd show her the place. For the second time in less than 4 months another completely out of nowhere sexual explosion by another great lady who's quite attractive. (What's going on here!? is all I can think). A quiet birdwatching hut in a nature preserve leads to me leaning over her to point out a rare bird she can't see, a kiss, and escalates into a very gentle, soft, fully clothed, love making session with her sitting nicely on my lap. It also is the first time a woman has an orgasm during intercourse for me. The first time ever I've had sex with a woman who had vaginal orgasm caused by good old fash cock/pussy intercourse. I little finger manipulation on ye' olde clitoris had been required up until this point to achieve the big O during intercourse with previous girlfriends. But the emotions, surprise, taboo, perhaps pent up sexuality can't be held back as she bear hugs my neck, cries out, and holds on for dear life while unexpected orgasms out in nature make us both feel like one...and practically wrench my neck from her fierce grip around my neck and face to face compaction during "wow!" orgasms from her.

3) A really cool, together, doing the right thing, admirable, over worked, no social life, divorced mom to teenage girls, still sexy but a little run down, shows me stretches/massages for my slighty stiffed up shoulder and winds up getting a shagging she hadn't had in quite some time. With a new lady's man confidence brought on by first two other sexual encounters I sense she would be up for some attention/affection but is just too nice/shy/conservative to openly flirt. Initially a little ashamed of her body because of "a few extra pounds" she's convinced doesn't make her bare bottom I'm kissing particulary sexy, she's convinced finally by me she's cute and desired and gets her pussy licked to an orgasm. Then again I have a second time where a woman has an orgasm by intercourse alone as we make sweet kissing love with her lying back in her bed and her legs wrapped tight around me. A fast, hot, skin slapping, deep cock, doggy style sex shakes and jiggles the "few extra pounds" in her round bottom giving my hands something nice to dig into as a third orgasm rocks through her whole body and putting an end to a perfect hour together as I give a porno type ending by having my own amazing orgasm that squirts all over her bottom and back.

4) 3some with 20somethings - Big boobed Italian girl with big legs, big nose and her petite tiny tits Asian-American friend. Some girls are sexy because of personality and confidence. Gena was such a person. The more you saw her the more beautiful she became but she wasn't attractive if using magazine covers is the standard. She had a nose that arched but it gave her a unique look. She had a round bottom and strong powerful legs. If not careful, her bottom could become A BOTTOM. But she pulled it off with her gorgeous smile, black hair, green eyes, and a rack of boobs that women pay 10s of thousands of dollars to get and still don't get. Asian-American Ashley with no boobs and flat bottom. But she was skinny, toned, and very pretty. If she had boobs and an ass she'd be incredibly hot but most of us can't have it all. They were young, confident, happy, laughing, joyous, respectful, polite, but rich brats who liked to party a bit...and swim in the indoor poor within the room I was working. Gena was pushing it with thong bikini but she was just toned and young enough to keep herself within the outer bounds of someone who should wear a thong. Her incredible breasts, tight tummy, smooth skin, big but cute nose, and otherwise pretty face made me take notice. Ashley was certifiable cute. They were openly flaunting in front of me as this massive house had plenty of rooms besides the one I was in. They seduced me plain and simple. They were horny, hot, for each other, for me. They held nothing back. The time I had with them caused to to reevaluate this giddy new experience I'd been having: attractive women suddenly wanting to have sex with me. It was great! but it wasn't good for me at all...I felt like a bad person...but yet I still catch myself smiling when I day dream.

Which story do you want to hear first because I want to share it with someone. If I tell a friend, it'll get back around to family and big families eventually get tidbits of things like this. I don't want them to know about it. I like the way they think of me. Some things are personal. Let's keep this between you and I.

xoxoxo

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/cas/258341800.html

The author of this ad is an 18 year old boy who wants to finally rid himself of his virgenity, so he can finally fit in with his friends and be a "real man."

It's hard being a virgen. If you do anything for another person this year, don't give money for humanitarian relief in Darfur. Don't contribute money for cancer research. And please, for the love of God, don't volunteer to help elderly shut-ins. And please please please don't teach this 18 year old E.B. White a single lesson on English grammar or spelling.

Instead, take it (his virgenity) awyw from him. He will give u wat eva u want. Unless you want a woman, because if he could get one of those, he'd have gotten it for himself presumably. But I'm sure this high school senior is totally hooked up and able to get you anything your heart desires.

He ends his ad with "xoxoxo." This was how my mom used to end her notes to me that were tucked into my lunches in kindergarten. Somehow it seemed less profoundly awkward coming from her, and there's very little more profoundly awkward than notes from your mom tucked into your lunch.

help me an will give u wat eva u need - m4w - 18

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Reply to: pers-258341800@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-05, 11:13PM EST


im a virgen if take it awyw from me I will give u wat eva u want any age race please send a pic & contect info please help me thanx xoxoxo

I'll wait for a free one to come along

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/258335313.html

The author claims she is disease free. Apparently a fungal infection is not a disease. Hopefully the author isn't also hiding crabs and herpes under the belief that those aren't diseases either. Isn't her whole deal that she has a disease?

She then begins to auction off the right to smell her vagina like she was on QVC. She calls it "truly a classic," like it was a Collector's Plate from the Franklin Mint. She also claims it to be a CL first. Apparently it is not. Another CL poster writes:

That's not a first or very crafty its called chunking and lot of people on CL are into it. I met an obese woman who had a yeast infection for several weeks and didn't wash her punanny and wore rubber panties for the whole time and then posted I lapped it all up and she told me there two guys coming over after me. Chunking is awesome. Once you taste chunk you can't live without it.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/258365130.html

Secondly, the fact that no one on the internet has done something before is so totally not a reason to sniff a diseased vagina. If anything, you should avoid doing anything that not even someone on the internet has never done before.

Lastly, it's terrible that the author charges for this service. Sadly, the fact that capitalism screws over the yeast infection fetishists remains overlooked in the study of economics.

Do you have a Yeast infection fetish??? Wanna touch , smell? - w4m - 25

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Reply to: pers-258335313@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-05, 10:56PM EST


I am disease free,
i took some antibiotics for the flu and the damn medicine left me with a freakin yeast infection for a couple of days. if anyone is interested , let me know.. and yes you need roses for this one, lots of damn roses.. this is truly a classic and prob a Craigs list first.

And for the losers who are gonna email me, and say how disgusting I am ,,hell i aleady know, at least I can be crafty even if I am out of female commission for a while.

This teacher makes the last teacher look legitimate by comparison

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/257873043.html

When I think about the kind of person who is such an expert in sex, I think about 22 year old men.

Our plucky professor writes, "I hear pretty often from other guys [about manual sex]." Wow, you have weird friends when a frequent topic of conversation is women's inability to bring them to orgasm. Maybe your friends are gay or quadraplegic because the male orgasm is easier to achieve than admission to Arizona State.

I wonder how this dude will teach you to give oral sex. I don't think he has fully thought about how these lessons will work. Also, at the age of 22, no one should be involved in hand jobs anymore. Unless his students are 16, in which case he has an entirely different problem on, well, his hands.

The author ends with "a final word," which is actually two dumb phrases:
"take charge of your abilities. Here's to education and pleasure!"

The first final word is written like it was half plagiarized from a successory.
The second is just stupid. Here's to pretending to be a sexual teacher to overcompensate for no real sexual knowledge or ability!

Teacher seeks student(s) - m4w - 22

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Reply to: pers-257873043@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-05, 1:26AM EST


Ladies,

Have any of you ever felt unsure about whether or not you are pleasing a partner during handjobs or blowjobs? I hear pretty often from other guys about how this girl or that girl just didn't know what she was doing and turned a guy off.

My proposal: I will teach you how to give handjobs and blowjobs that will drive them wild. In some cases, I may be interested in learning a few things from you as well. After all, a teacher never really stops being a student.

I'm 22, white, attractive, and intelligent. Women who are 18-24, clean, drug-free, std-free, attractive, and interested in bettering their sexual performance should apply.
Please reply with a picture that shows your face and at least a little bit of your body (clothed or unclothed is fine); no pic probably means no reply. Hosting will be worked out on an individual basis.

A final word: take charge of your abilities. Here's to education and pleasure!

The CL Learning Annex

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/257874503.html

Remember those commercials where Sally Struthers would advertise correspondence courses where you could either finish your Associates Degree, study accounting, or study something stupid like Gun Repair? Even that was less of a scam than this 50 year old's ad.

I think the first step towards sexual confidence is not sleeping with 50 year old attached men you find on the internet. But I'm no sex teacher, so I don't know what I'm talking about. Instead, a real sex guru knows the way to begin instilling confidence in a your sexuality is by hearing the following:

Just because you spread your legs and allow a man to plow into you and enjoy himself does not make you a great lover. He can get that from any prostitute on the street.

I know that being compared to a prostitute was what helped me develop the phenomenal sexual confidence I have today.

Up next in the ad is the synopsis of 1988 soft-core porn "Dangerous Liasons" (though the version that this half-century man saw on reel-to-reel was just "Dangerous Liason"). In the synopsis, the author of the ad compares himself to an old man who has sex with a fifteen year old girl.

Man I wish this guy gave suaveness lessons to dudes!

Also, the guy's synopsis of the movie isn't even accurate. The movie also had a lot of duels, which I doubt our veteran teacher will also prepare his student for.

Lastly, the author gives us "the deal."

A. If he has a girlfriend, why not teach her sexual self-confidence? Or is she so confident that she doesn't realize you're cheating on her?
B. This sounds like the same thing as A.
C. Well, obviously you do if you're posting on Craigslist at 1:30a.
D. Why? In your very own movie, Dangerous Liasons, the "debaucher" character hates what he does and is criticized severely for it. My guess is that you're repaying the adulteress who taught you about sex, using some lessons from another crappy movie, Pay It Forward.

Personal Sexual Trainer - m4w - 50

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Reply to: pers-257874503@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-05, 1:30AM EST


Do you lack confidence in your sexual abilities and knowledge? Have you ever wished that there was some kind of class you could take that would teach you how to be a capable and possibly great sexual partner?

Just because you spread your legs and allow a man to plow into you and enjoy himself does not make you a great lover. He can get that from any prostitute on the street.

In the movie "Dangerous Liason", the spurned lover of a man of prominence, as an act of revenge, coerces an older experienced man to de-flower the future wife of her Ex-Lover, a girl of 15 who is a virgin. The older man not only de-flowers the girl but in fact teaches the girl, over a series of lessons, how to be a great lover. The idea being that not only would the soon to be groom discover that his bride was not a virgin, but in fact a very experienced lover.

While I was sexually experience by my late 20's, it wasn't until I had an affair with a married woman, 20 years my senior, that I learned how to be a good lover. She was my Personal Sexual Trainer.

So here's the deal.

A. I am attached.
B. I have a a girl friend
C. I don't need to get laid
D. I would sincerely like to help ladies who are shy or unsure of themselves to get the benefit of my experience and teaching.

As for the particulars, I am in my 50's, white, trim, reasonably good looking and a professional.

Le Craigslist

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/256836791.html

Jean-Pierre here may have just gotten off of the boat too recently to perfect his English, but with enough time to learn about CL. Oh America! "Give us your tired, your poor, your desperate men yearning to meet women," Lady Liberty types at 1:09a.

JP knows you like sexy NSA nights too. At least some of you. While he was quite the man-whore a Paris, he doesn't know how it works here.

• Hint 1: Not the internet
• Hint 2: Acquire a lot of money
  

JP doesn't know a ton of English, and yet knows the expression "pics for pics." Berlitz really teaches what's important.

He lists a bunch of self-serving French arrogant things to say about himself, and so on, and then... interrupts himself to demand from you an explanation! Why are you waiting, you slothful American?

JP wants someone "between a fairy and a witch." JP is not just European, but he is from a crappy 17th century European fantasy book. He also likes, "infinite conversations about politics, arts or pornography at the MET (these are a few examples of conversations)." A few observations:

• (I knew those were examples, dumbass)
• pornography at the MET? That's a little more specific than the other topics, no? Or was that one topic? "Whether there should be arts or pornography at the Met," in which case I'd have to vote for the latter.

JP knows that, like all French men, he may attract a gay male crowd. Sorry, guys. JP will "very probably remain" straight. I doubt JP doesn't know the word "definitely," so I think his "very probably" is very probably a "definitely will not."

I Have been said it is sexy... - m4w - 25

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Reply to: pers-256836791@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-03, 1:09AM EST


.. to have a strong french accent. Well, I hope so, because i have no choice. So please forgive my english, my thoughts behind are rich and sound.

I guess it should not be that difficult to find a nice girl to enjoy some sexy NSA nights from time to time. I know you like it too (at least some of you). It wasn't difficult in Paris, but here I just don't know how it works. I'm good-looking (pics for pics), athletic, educated, funny, well, a nice guy i think, not really tall (5' 7''), liberal, easy-going, very intelligent, and so on... why are you waiting! I don't answer w4m posts, there are too many fakes, and anyway let's let the ladies choose. That why I decided to post here.

Now, what do i want ? That's the difficult part, especially because I'd like to be surprised. Let's say I want somebody between a fairy and a witch, or a crazy intellectual writer able to get naked. I'd love kinky relationships (in the way you prefer), and infinite conversations about politics, arts or pornography at the MET (these are a few examples of conversations).

I also love a sweet wet pussy to lick like a candy, a softly moaning girl under my tongue, and a lot of other things. Oh, and I love drawing, so if it doesn't bother you too much, I may ask for some modelling...

Do you think you can make it ? I have a lot to give back.

PS: sorry guys, I am straight and will very probably remain...

Beatrix Potter's Original Idea

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/256851436.html

Any sophisticated Soho poop enthusiast knows the classic tale of Winnie the Poop, the world sweetest bowel movement due to massive consumption of honey.

I myself am more of an Eeyore, happy at all that women notice me.

I just wonder what happens after you poop on this guy's chest? Is the evening then over? Do you eat a lot more in hopes of the joy of doing it again? Come on, let a fella know.

Winnie the POOP - m4w - 24 (SoHo)

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Reply to: pers-256851436@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-03, 2:12AM EST


Any ladies out there who like poop play? You can do it on my chest or just let me watch you. Let a fella know.