Everyone Needs an Angle

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/261302350.html

Some men on the site boast incredible endowment. Others financial largesse. This gentleman seeks to set himself apart by bragging about something he knows women are into: bicycle repair.

The terms of the deal are pretty straightforward: "In exchange for fixing your bike, you allow me to have sex with you. " You know, it doesn't sound like so much fun if you phrase it "You allow me to have sex with you." It sounds like a chore, like she's allowing you to pour soda all over her hair (which, by the way, makes your hair all sticky).

The ad then becomes a sad slew of double entendres. Allow me to decode:

1. A good cleaning: He will take a garden hose and douse you with hose water
   
2. On the frame: Your skin
   
3. Hard-to-reach crevices: I think he's calling you fat. There shouldn't be parts of your body that are that hard for another person to reach.
   
4. Tighten up your brake cables: I think this may have to do with a wrench. It actually sounds painful.
   
5. Trim down any fraying: I thought about this one for like ten minutes. My best guess is that he's comparing your private hair to frayed copper wire. The good news is that he'll trim it for you.
   
6. Your spokes: This one's easy. Boobs. But I've never heard of boob-tightness before. Then again, you don't want them to come loose and fall off.
   
7. Hard wrench: His finger
   
8. Straighten out any kinks: If there were any gay members of the 1960's band, The Kinks, his finger will somehow scare them away from homosexuality
   
9. My pump: His genitals
   
10. Your tires: He's comparing your lady flower to two gigantic tubes of thick industrial rubber.
    
11. I'll lube it up and you can take it for a ride: I have no idea.
    

I think it's funny that he asks for a pic of your bike. Like maybe he'll think you're cute, but reject you because your bike is crap.

He ends with "I’ll wear a condom if you wear a helmet." If you wear a helmet during sex, you will look like a mentally challenged person having sex. You're better off letting him go without the condom.

WILL FIX BICYCLE for SEX - m4w - 24

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Reply to: pers-261302350@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-11, 9:41PM EST


Hey there,

I'm a very capable bike mechanic and have built bikes up from the naked frame. I am also an expert in bed, but how would you know that unless you've tried me out? In exchange for fixing your bike, you allow me to have sex with you.

To start off, I'd give it a good cleaning, on the frame as well as in all the hard-to-reach crevices. I'd probably tighten up your brake cables and trim down any fraying. Then I'd move my fingers up and down your spokes to check for tightness, and maybe insert my hard wrench to straighten out any kinks. I might use my pump to fill up your tires. After that, if all is well, I'll lube it up and you can take it for a ride.

After the first time, you'll be deliberately breaking your bike as an exuse to trade my mechanical skills for sex. 6ft tall. 195 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.

Applicants are strongly encouraged to send pic of themselves and bicycle, with a thorough description of what exactly needs repair on your bike and how you like it done to you. All women are encouraged to apply. I live alone and can host. Former bike messenger, just itching to make a delivery. Bicycle not required.

Let’s both be safe - I’ll wear a condom if you wear a helmet.

Thanks for looking!