Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Chronology Expert

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/271081963.html

A rundown of the evening in chronological order:
  1. This dude looks at your vagina for the first time. He is then turned on.
  2. "The final reveal" which I'm guessing is when you take you finally take your panties off, which seems to contradict what just happened.
  3. You won't know what to expect
  4. You expect explosive orgasms. Many.
  5. You don't know what will happen.
  6. You read what will happen online and you're naked with this dude so you'd have to be retarded not to know what's going to happen.
  7. Despite the fact that the author knows you may be nervous, he "want[s] to make you feel like a sex object or even as a piece of meat."
  8. Despite the fact that the final reveal has already taken place, the author awaits seeing "more of your skin and then your totally naked body." Maybe you're still wearing a scarf or something.
  9. You have visible goosebumps on your vagina. You should show those to a doctor. Preferably not one you met on CL.
  10. "While this is going on I will be wondering what your pussy looks like." Despite the fact that he's seen you naked and specifically your vagina like twice already.
  11. "Then I will have you lay on your back while my hands start touching you from head to toe, around your neck, feel in your ass crack and also massage and touch your back. The I will be massaging and touching your before asking you to lay on your back." I mean come on, is he even paying attention?
  12. [I won't tell you what happens next]...[I hope you enjoy receiving oral sex]

You will get naked and then I will have my way with you :) - m4w (Midtown)


Reply to: pers-271081963@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-30, 11:36PM EST


To start things off, I want to slowly remove your clothing while looking you over. I want to see you in your bra and panties. Then in your panties before the final reveal and I see your pussy for the first time. It will turn me on. You may be nervous or very aroused and have no idea what to expect, but know you want to have many explosive orgasms because you are already incredibly turned on but still have no idea what will happen.

I want to make you feel like a sex object or even as a piece of meat as I eagerly await finally seeing more of your skin and then your totally naked body. How would you feel being naked while I am still dressed. Do you like getting naked because you know how much I want to see your erect nipples, goosebumps on your skin and then your pussy.

While this is going on I will be wondering what your pussy looks like. How will you feel revealing yourself to me knowing that once you are totally nude and in the flesh in front of me, that I will look you over from head to toe. Are you the type to spread your legs and let me look or even though you are an exhibitionist, you are still a bit uncomfortable totally spreading in front of a man you just meet.


Then I will have you lay on your back while my hands start touching you from head to toe, around your neck, feel in your ass crack and also massage and touch your back. The I will be massaging and touching your before asking you to lay on your back. At that point I will ask you to spread your legs and then I will just lay between your legs and look at your pussy before examining and toucing the rest of your body. How will you be feeling at this point. Then I will eventually touch your breasts and nipples and then start touching your inner thigh and then back to your nipples. And now you must be wondering what I will do next, but for you to find out, you must write to me and tell me about yourself and what interests you. But I will tell you, that if you enjoy having your pussy eaten, you will totally enjoy my company.

Great Advice!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/cas/271083974.html

Things I've learned by reading this ad:

1) Whoever used to go down on this woman somehow involved his feet. Maybe this is why she doesn't enjoy receiving oral sex.
2) Guys think women want foreplay but they really want to be tied up.
3) Women don't like flowers. Instead, it would be far less creepy to plant a woman a tree. Women care a lot about the green house effect and not about the fact that, holy shit, why is there an evergreen in the middle of my apartment?
4) Like my mom always told me, if i want a woman to go down on me, wash it off, first, please, keep it CLEAN!! Then maybe we'll (and by we'll, my mom meant herself which was a little scarring) stop playing w. our dildoes and play w. you instead.

The Tease is here to taunt you - w4m - 29


Reply to: pers-271083974@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-30, 11:41PM EST


Yes, I am teasing you, making you horny, and then running away to hide. But I'll tell you this before you start sending me angry emails...
I have never had AIDS (get tested regularly)
Never had syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, whatever other sexually transmitted diseases you can think of..so this reading your replies and then deciding to stay home to play with my sex toys thing makes some sense after all. And by the way, I hate feet and I don't like you to go down on me. I'd much rather go down on you. And I'd rather that you tie me to the bed and fuck me like a man to get my juices flowing rather than all this touchy-feely foreplay stuff that you guys think women want. And by the way, don't give us flowers. Plant a tree instead. Flowers die and dont' help the green house effect. And like your mom always told you, if u want a woman to go down on you, wash it off, first, please, keep it CLEAN!!Then maybe we'll stop playing w. our dildoes and play w. you instead. Lick, suck and play while you grab our hair.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I can't work you unless you help me

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/270448688.html

The author of this ad is looking to have very mature and freaky woman who enjoys having a great time. So far, okay.

What becomes weird is the author's frequent use of the word "great."

Great #1: The woman must enjoy having a great time. Great = really good.
Great #2: The woman must want a great man. Great = really good.
Great #3: Said man will pound a great out of your nice tight hold. Great = ?

I'm inclined to say "shit" but I don't know if a man can pound "a shit" out of you. That doesn't sound right. Whatever a great is, he'll pound one, not two, of them out of you. Also, if you're mature and freaky, I doubt that hole is really still tight. Just a guess.

If you're up for losing a great, get at the author one.. Get what at him? I suggest a great.

LET ME WORK YOU - m4w


Reply to: pers-270448688@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-29, 8:40PM EST


I AM BLACK MALE WHO IS LOOKING TO HAVE VERY MATURE
AND FREAKY WOMAN WHO ENJOYS HAVING A GREAT TIME AND
WOULD LIKE A GREAT MAN TO POUND A GREAT OUT OF YOUR NICE TIGHT HOLE IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT GET AT ME ONE..

Have Fan, Will Travel

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/270521948.html

The author of this ad is either a poet or possesses the same command over English that I have over the ground troups in Afghanistan.

He starts out either bragging about his fan ownership or advising you to have a fan. After all, it is only freezing outside in New York right now, so you really should have a fan.

The author of the ad would like to relax/have a smoke party/just hang out/enjoy the moment. Why? Because he loves to party with you rock and roll.

Either rock and roll is an adverb, describing how he loves to party with you, or it is the object of the pronoun you. He loves to party with you, the living essence of rock and roll. On the off chance that Bill Haley or an ethereal spirit representing rock is reading CL at quarter to midnight on a Monday, they should be flattered.

The author is a white man. He either wants you to come to him or he is advertising that he is in possession of sperm. The latter, I guess, is crucial for you to just enjoy the moment at the smoke party.

love to party with you rock and roll - m4w - 35


Reply to: pers-270521948@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-29, 11:42PM EST


have fan
would like to relax have a smoke party
just hang out enjoy the moment
wm
come

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Smallest Loser

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/270134983.html

Do you really want to win a flattest chest contest? At the age of 50, I'm sure the author of this ad gets hot by being with a woman at all, so turning this dude on shouldn't be too much of a challenge.

Also, did the author need to say women only? Like maybe some dude would say "Hey! I don't have boobs at all! Where's my romantic dinner?" And legally, the author would be forced to take Joe Shmo with a flat chest to a candlelit dinner at Per Se.

This man is smart. That's why he doing this search.

Flattest chest contest (women ONLY) - m4w - 50 (Upper East Side)


Reply to: pers-270134983@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-29, 11:40AM EST


I get hot by being with a woman who has tiny boobs. So that's why I doing my search. The prize by the way is a romantic, sexy dinner at the restaurant of your choice. If you are cute and flat enough, you can even pick the city outside of NYC, or we can do it here. I'm a 6'2", 190, athletic and attractive guy. Totally D&D free, smart, fun and funny and serious about this.

Sweetpea

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/270144163.html

The author of this ad is a regular guy who just happens to love the taste of female pee. There's no correlation between his looks, generosity, and taste for urine. It's just how it randomly ended up on this side of the veil of ignorance.

However, not all pee tastes the same. First of all, if it's not from the source, it'll taste unfresh and lukewarm as opposed to crisp and pee warm. Second, the author won't taste a dude's pee. That's just gross.

your sweet pee - m4w - 36


Reply to: pers-270144163@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-29, 11:54AM EST


I am a good looking, generous, Manhattan professional who just happens to love to drink a woman's pee straight from the source. If you think you would like to satisfy my craving and would like me to use my mouth to clean you up afterward, maybe we should meet.

Service Disruption

Hey all, sorry about the almost 2 weeks without the Roundup. I've been away from the ranch, but I'm back now.